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The Void

Feelings Adrift

By Elijah TaylorPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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What's going on inside?

Do you know what it feels like to want sex but hate it at the same time? When you crave someone's touch but are freaked by the mere thought of it? I do. I crave intimacy in a very specific manner and I hate it. People now ask for sex in the most direct and brute-like manner and there are certain times where it works but for the most part, it makes me retreat and lose all interest for a few hours and then I'm interested in their offer. My mind won't make itself up.

I want a guy to be passionate but controlling; aggressive but gentle. I relive the same day over and over on repeat and I don't know how to stop it. My mind constantly reels, time is never ending it feels like; nothing will ever change. All the guys that will accomplish this are far off or do not know that I exist.

I feel like I am constantly drowning and resurfacing is neigh impossible; a never ending hell. Every guy I talk to just feels more and more disappointing. They slip up and are too aggressive right away or they don't seem to be sexual towards me whatsoever. Relationships are so confusing and close to impossible; I feel like a monster, an unlovable monster.

Perhaps in time I will find a guy who is perfect in the way he speaks, acts, and how he knows his way around each and every one of my defenses. Right now I am just alone and complicated, like a puzzle that no one wants to solve; overly complicated and not worth the effort. The amount of loyalty I have is unwavering, the amount of love I have unending. If only someone would bother to put an effort in so I could pour every ounce of love I have into him. All the guys that I thought truly to be special in my life have exited it and I have not seen them since and it kills me.

It's like knowing who can fix you but knowing that they don't care enough or are too scared. I can't fully explain to people what I'm going through so I've stopped trying to. It feels like I'm going through this battle alone; like I'm in this void screaming and shouting and no one is listening or no one can pull me out of it.

I wish that I had a wand so I could pull the person I need most next to me because I know that he would be gentle and kind but rough at the same time; the perfect combination of love and lust. I'm trapped and with no cell service so I'm stuck on these apps were guys are so used to just using and being blunt and I know that as much as I want to give into that, that if/once I do, I'm not coming back; I would lose everything.

I want love like everything else on this Earth but I also want passion. It has been 900+ days that I've gone without intimacy and I can feel my body shutting down and my mind turning on me. The very thing I crave and need I need from a very specific person in a specific way or I fear that I will just push them away like I always do, or suck them into the void that is my heart.

That's the scary thing about love, you either gain everything you could possibly want in the world or you lose everything including yourself. That's what I'm up against and the more days go by, the more I'm convinced that I have already lost myself. My mind is poison and it is killing me; I'm not able to reach out to the right people and the right people aren't able or are not coming to me.

That's the thing about the void, once you're in it alone you can only have someone who is already in a void of their own pull you out.

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About the Creator

Elijah Taylor

I guess I just took the term, "Gay Rights" to a whole other level.

https://www.paypal.me/ETaylor220

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