The Two Biggest Regrets in My Life

Regrets: we all have them. There's that one thing that we wished we'd pursued earlier in our lives. Obtaining that degree, traveling more, and standing up for yourself more are some of those examples. I have a huge dislike of Father's Day because of the abuse I've suffered in the hands of my estranged father dating back to childhood. No matter how hard I tried to please him, he still wouldn't show me any sort of love. That lead me to have abandonment and trust issues later on in life. We've been estranged for nearly 15 years and there are no signs of us ever reconciling anytime soon.

Going back to what two of my biggest regrets were in life, I'll talk about the first one. It was not having any children early in adulthood. I've only been in two serious relationships, with my last one being in 2019. That year, I was engaged to be married in the spring of the following year but never predicted that a global health crisis would interrupt our lives temporarily. Usually, I tend to shy away from discussing my love life. However, I believe that transparency is important. I started to this wonderful man who was nearly 20 years older than me back in late 2018 online. He was sweet and told me how much he loved me. Also, he said the right things that I wanted to hear. On Valentine's Day of the following year, he sent me flowers, chocolate, and some pairs of underwear. Those sweet gestures melted my heart (no pun intended) and was so appreciative of them. He finally met me in person during Pride weekend so we could attend the parade together. Earlier on the morning of the parade, he arrived sometime around after one. I was staying with my roommate at the time, and we went to my bedroom. All of a sudden, he pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him. I said yes and we kissed. We attended the Pride parade and had a great time. I was on Cloud 9 because I couldn't wait to take his last name and spend the rest of my life with him. Fast forward to Halloween, I dressed up for work and was one of the winners of the company-wide costume contest. My then fiancé approached me after getting off from work with some bad news. Let's just say due to complicated circumstances of him living with me in the same town, we mutually and respectfully agreed to go our separate ways. I broke down in tears and hugged him before he had go back to Michigan. This was the very first time I've experienced real heartbreak. This lasted for nearly a year and a half and learned from my experience. I regret letting a handsome, kind man slip away. I would've loved to possibly have children with him, if he were to be open to it.

The second I regret in life is not getting married young. For context, I knew that I liked guys dating back to the second grade. I hid my sexuality for nearly 20 years before officially coming out as a gay man in 2012. In May of that year, I graduated with Honors from a vocational school. Before I graduated and soon after coming out, I decided to to online dating. I matched with a handsome and fit 40-something named Scott. He was also from my hometown. After chatting through text and phone calls for a while, he came to Arkansas for the weekend so that we could spend time together. I was 24 at the time and he was nearing 50. I've always had a strong preference for older men, because they're more pleasant and mature than other men my age. He and I talked about lives and then, we had our first kiss. Then, we made love. Scott had the most beautiful smile. I imagined a life with him, meaning I wanted to marry him. However, here's where I messed up. I had recently come out but wasn't ready to fully be myself around other people, fearing the criticism and what others thought about me being in a relationship with another man. Scott took issue with that and after several days of knowing each other, he broke up with me. He returned to Texas and I resumed finishing school, because graduation was nearly three months away. I was still heartbroken but wasn't defeated. I went on to date another man on campus that I really liked. Plus, he was so cute. His name was Brett and we dated for several months before we split up, and I moved to Northwest Arkansas months after graduation.

I let good men that I was in love with go and would've married either one of the men I described in this story. Settling down and being someone's husband was always one of my goals in life. It's still my goal today as I'm nearing 40. I've healed and learned from my past relationships. There are things about myself that I need to do in order to make myself more appealing to other men. Those actions will give a chance to be more compatible to a man. I know some of you will say that I don't need someone in my life and enjoy being single. Those sound logical and with good intent, but let's be honest, not everyone is content of being alone forever. I don't care if I get old and gray. I'm determined to find my soulmate and want to take his last name. I want to be a good husband to him as he would to me. I want to be happy and live a fulfilling life. He's out there somewhere, but I refuse to give up. Life doesn't wait for anyone, and time is of the essence. Tomorrow isn't promised, so I'm living my life the best way possible to the fullest.