Once upon a time I was in a creative writing class in college. Our task was to create a character and write an inner monologue. I chose someone from a novel I was developing. Sitting here, going through some of my things, I realize it's not something I will ever use. Admittedly, it's not my best piece of writing, but I did put some heart into it and wanted to share this bit.
A brief background: It's a medieval era in a realm where magic is no stranger and change is on the rise. Knights are some of the most respected people around and a young boy, aspiring to be a knight, struggles with his feelings towards another male.
I know I really ought to tell him the truth. He's one of my best friends and he deserves to know. It's just, the truth isn't quite acceptable. So, that leaves a choice of sacrifice so I keep earning the respect and acceptance of society, all-the-while letting someone I love go on believing I feel anything less than I do for them? Or do I tell him? Do I risk my reputation and possibly his? Do I risk exposing myself to the ridicule? And what do I expect he would respond? The way I see it there are only two possibilities in the end. One, he would be disgusted, repulsed even. Then he would reject me. That path could lead me to the expulsion from my team. Not only would I receive ridicule from people who don't support my love, but also ridicule of the rejection I faced.
"It's just like the baker's son, who grew up learning to cook and do the womenly chores to fall in love with a man, just as a woman would," they would say. And that will also say that it's just like the baker's son who smells like old bread to be rejected. Or worse yet he accepts and returns my love, and I have to watch him be ridiculed as well. I could not handle watching him be shamed. I could not stand him being torn down by the very people who tormented me growing up, but here I am being a hypocrite.
I cannot stand others hurting him, but here I am doing possibly the greatest damage to him by not being honest. I speak of love, but have only shown the opposite. I'm cruel, but the path of love is also cruel. It was cruel to be given these feelings and crueler yet to cut them so deeply into my soul. I can tame the great beasts of this land, but I can no more tame my heart then I can tame the air. These are vicious winds whipping about me and they blur my vision. Which is the right and which is the wrong? My great question: Honesty or security?
Part 2: Strawberry Cake
Whenever I was inspired in my writing I could get done very quick. This was one of those pieces that felt effortless. I felt the writing flow and understood my character all around. With time left to spare I wrote a second monologue.
A little backstory: It's the same character as before. The same baker's son in love with another man in a magical medieval time. Later on he becomes a knight. His specialty relates to beasts. He does a lot of training. Even before he had joined the knights, creatures fascinated him. In the scenario he awakes in the infirmary. He was in an accident with one of the creatures he was attempting to train.
I smelled fresh strawberry cake. As the baker's son I know my pastries and would rarely mistake a smell like that. As I sat up in the dark, murky room, there wasn't the slightest crumb to be spotted. I wondered to myself if one could dream smells. Yet, before I had time to contemplate, he had walked in holding a plate of strawberry cake. How he knew it was my favorite, I know not, but seeing him... seeing him with the sunlight flooding behind him as he opened the curtains with his free hand and the warm smell of strawberry cake still lingering around, I wasn't entirely sure I wasn't still dreaming. It was heavenly.
There I sat in awe. I hardly even noticed the stinging pain coming from my casted leg. He strode over to me silently. That's what I love most about him. He could say a thousand words by saying nothing at all. He just walked over as if to say hello. He set the cake down to tell me it was for me and he smiled at me to relay how happy he was that I was alright. He was hard to read at first, but after so much time together, he's become as easy to read as my favorite book.
I should have told him then and there, but my racing heart couldn't take anymore. The beasts I tame are nothing compared to that moment. I'd take those cuts and bruises over my pounding heart and my sweaty temple. I'd take the gnawing and biting over the clammy palms and burning face. I'd take those thunderous roars and low growls over my frozen movements and heated body. I was too afraid. I had never felt such true fear. Love is true fear. Someday though. Someday, perhaps, I will conquer true fear.
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