Humans logo

The simple analogy that jump started my happy marriage.

When I met my life partner, I wasn't ready. But he was.

By Netherland PoetryPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 4 min read
1
The simple analogy that jump started my happy marriage.
Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash

This is the first part of ... a few part... series about hacks and tricks we use to stay grounded and happy.

When I met my life partner I was not ready to commit. But he was.

An undercurrent of "yes" began to hum from the moment I got his first message on a dating app. That “yes” emboldened its rhythm when I first heard his voice, and by the time I met him for the first time, my body felt like the sound of a million crystal chandeliers vibrating at once.

But I still wasn't ready, even though I knew I was home.

When presented with a sea change thats about to completely re-arrange a life, I've always envied those who can jump in with reckless and beautiful abandon. Me? I need at least 3 plans, some white boarding, post-it notes, pro/con lists, and at least one case of beer. It's also helpful to know what the planets are doing at that moment in time. Just in case they aren't in full community with each other and I should just stay on my couch. Mercury can be full of fuckery if you muck about on the wrong day.

8 happy years later, I look back on the way we navigated this idea of moving toward each other when we didn't have the language for it. I share these stories in the hopes it's helpful for others navigating uncharted or new waters.

The analogy

Two humans that want to be in relationship are in a pool. One at the deep end (long term commitment) and one at the shallow end (unsure).

The long term goal is for both to be floating in the deep end together, balancing each other and holding each other up when one or the other gets tired. Getting there, however, takes time, communication and a language that I wasn't born with, so I had to create it. It helped us to communicate when I was moving toward him (or he toward me), checking the distance between us, or moving away.

Moving toward each other

In those early days just dating was easy. We'd made clear our desire to find a forever partner and talked often about what that would look like for us. We ran into challenges when he didn't feel like I was moving toward him, meaning, I was still at the same "level" or not as invested as he was.

I used the pool analogy to say "I'm ankles deep today" or

"When you shared that story, and fears, I felt closer to you and I stepped toward you and am now at my ankles/ thighs / waist / etc. in the water."

Checking the distance

In the same way we communicated a movement toward each other. We were also able to check the distance between us, in a way that felt safe.

"You feel distant today, did you move back in the pool?" "I know that disagreement was a big deal, are you still in the same spot? "

"I know you've been floating in the deep end for awhile, do you still feel like you're there? What can I do to help you hang on while I work my way to you? What would having a pool float feel like?"

Moving apart

Fortunately, we didn't have a lot of conversations about moving apart. But we did talk often about what would lead us to move backwards, or to get out of the pool entirely.

Example, I really wanted children, and he did as well, but timing was a point of discussion.

I used to the pool analogy to say "Not having kids (because he didn't want to or wouldn't commit to a timeline) would be a reason for me to get out of the pool." It was a non-negotiable for me.

Similarly, me not moving toward him, or working on moving toward him, would eventually lead him to get out of the pool. Knowing this, and having a way to explain it to each other, is a trick we still use today, even after all this time.

Both in the deep end

Relationships are rarely 50/50. They are every combination in between and fluctuate constantly.

When it feels heavier on either of our sides we say "I'm treading water over here and getting really tired, if you could help with grocery runs or give me some time and space to recharge etc. that would feel like a life raft right now."

Communication is the bedrock of any successful relationship - and even if our parents or caregivers had an ideal relationship - there's still challenges that await us when we do life consistently with another. Not having a language or a tool to navigate that can ultimately mean unhappiness or lead someone to get out of the pool. I hope this analogy is helpful to you and yours.

What language have you had to create to navigate your relationships? Tell me in the comments.

For more of my writing please check out @netherland_poetry on Instagram.

advice
1

About the Creator

Netherland Poetry

I write about love: Making it, keeping it, destroying it, rebuilding it from pieces. I also write about mental health, its mountaintops & it's valleys. Thank you for stopping by. Check out @netherland_poetry on Insta

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.