The Shit Tea

Story time:

One day when I was 12 my father bought this dietary tea to help us lose weight. This tea is called 3 Ballerina tea. So the night he got it, he told me to make a big a cup of it (24oz) with 2 tea bags. He told me to put very little sugar and over steep it then, drink half and he will have the other half

This was a horrible idea.

So next day, he wakes me up and tells me, "we are starting a diet today. We gonna go to Shoppers and get salads then go to have a walk". (Thinking about it now we didnt even walk to Shoppers and it was next to the apartments.) So, we go to the store and get a salad. In the checkout line, he spots a "friend". They talked and dad said for me to go home and he will take her home.

He should've forgot that lady. He just should've went home. He regretted not going home.

So, I walk through the shortcut behind the shopping center to go home and I feel a rumble. I start jogging. Bad idea. I thought my asshole was gonna open the gates of hot lava hell into my pants. So, I stopped in place. Slowed my breathing a friend walks up to me. I tell them to leave me alone (different wording but ya know) and sped off in a quickened walk.

I finally reached the apartment door. I fumble with the keys but I cant focus because Emily Rose's split pea soup was at full boil at my rectal soup cooler. If I could, I would've kicked that damn door down. I unbuttoned my pants trying to release pressure off me. I thought this is it I'm going to shit myself. But i finally got the door opened. I sprinted to the bathroom yelling, "I GOT TO SHIIIIIT!!" I got the first few spurts out. All I could muster was, "OH THANK GOD". Since my room was across the hall and my tv in the perfect spot for viewing pleasure, I turned my tv towards the toilet. In true fat girl fashion and was now starving, having emptied my belly, I refueled the anal abuse by eating the salad while on the toilet because I was afraid shit was gonna slip out just being alive. I thought to myself. This is my new life. My life is a toilet. Look at me, eating a salad on the toilet. My life is belittled by a tea.

I hear my father yell as the front door slams. Get off the toilet. HE KNEW! HOW!!??

He ushers me out the bathroom. And tells me to go to the car and get the car blanket out. I reluctantly go.

Bad idea.

I opened the car door and puked. My dad had shitted in the car. SHITTED. IN. THE. CAR!!!

I went upstairs to protest. He told me he would pay me. (Still didnt get that payment) I grabbed gloves and a scarf. And I went and grabbed it out the car and ran to the dumpster. Tossed that mufucka in the trash. Along with the gloves.

My dad asked me about the blanket (he was out the bathroom now), he went and grabbed it out the dumpster and put it in the washer with his clothes. I thought to torch it. My dad was frugal yet money wasn't an option on a lot of things.

He later told me how he shat himself.

Furstavol, he didnt even drink the full half. He took 2 SIPS!! He said he didn't like the taste. When he took the lady home across the Woodrow Wilson Bridge (we lived in Alexandria), he felt a rumble but ignored it. BIG MISTAKE! Then he makes it back to the bridge but it's traffic and the bridge was up. The one time he needed to shit while driving, it was up. So he waited and he made it. He sped off trying to get to the house because the feeling subsided. It came back. He drives to the nearest place he could get to to shit. McDonald's they told him no or the bathroom was out of order. He didnt remember what they said because all he could think is my asshole is gonna open like the Grand Canyon. So, he saunters back to the car with hope he can still make it across the way to the house.

He gets to the entrance. There was a speed bump there and he GTA drives over it. IT BEGINS. Just a little. So the next 3 speed bumps he says he swore he drove on tiptoe. The last speed bump did him in. It just let loose. And he cried. He SHIT HIMSELF and CRIED!

Later that day I asked, "do we put plastic on the bed? Cuz I'm scared". He said, "maybe".

I hid that tea until the day we moved then he was like we doing it again. I hid it again until he moved from his marital home in Maryland to his apartment back in Virginia.

I am scared once again cuz I bought the tea recently. I lost 15 lbs that time.

Shit happened