The secret to lasting relationships

There is one thing that you need in order to have a productive relationship but you will not read about it in books. You probably will not hear it from marriage counselors or friends who have been together for decades. If you ask 20 people you are likely to receive 20 different answers and none of them will be the right one. The secret to a lasting relationship is that there no secret. Every couple is differnt and must learn to work with their own partner. My husband and I attended a church-sponsored marriage seminar decades ago and nothing that was said was of benefit to us

The host, who had been married less time than we had, spoke of the need for edible underwear and shopping at Victoria's secret. He also said couples should have mirrors in the ceiling and the woman should ride the man like a pony. When his wife spoke to the group, she said she did not believe in oral sex but everyone else could do what they wanted to. All the couples who were in attendance were staying at the hotel where the seminar was taking place. We had been given rose petals for the bed and perfume and cologne.

This may have been beneficial for others but my husband said that he did not need mirrors in the ceiling or edible candy. He said that purchasing expensive items from Victoria's secret was a waste of money because it was all going to come off anyway and I agreed. We also agreed that no one else can tell a couple what to do or not to do with each other in private. Not everyone wants their lovemaking to be like riding a pony and many couples do enjoy oral sex. The purpose of staying in the hotel was to get away from the kids and enjoy a night of passion, but neither of us has ever truly enjoyed ourselves romantically in motels or hotels.

There are couples who renew their wedding vows at 25 or 50 years but my spouse and I believe honoring the first ceremony is all we need to do. This is why each couple must work out between themselves what will make their union compatible. I've shared this in other articles but it bears repeating. I once had several female coworkers tell me it was not normal to only have sex with one man in a lifetime. They encouraged me to cheat on my spouse so I would know what it was like with someone else. My vows said forsaking all others and I was raised that adultery is wrong. Besides, I have never had a desire to be with anyone but my husband and that works for me.

Not every couple needs to get out of town or go on a cruise to get the spark back in a relationship. There actually are those whose flame never went out and they are content with the life they have. This is why so many relationships break up after years of counseling, traveling, and trying to spice things up. These are quick fixes that many seem to work for a while but eventually, real life happens and it must be dealt with.

It used to be said that a way to a man's heart is his stomach but that is not a one size fits all. I love cooking for my spouse and also spoiling him but I know women who enjoy going out with girlfriends and leaving their husbands to cook and fend for themselves. If this works for those couples it's not for me to say that cooking for your man is how to keep him. This is why you cannot always apply someone else's method to your life. I recall being a teen reading book after book about being friendly to make friends but it did not work for me.

I was a quiet child and whenever I tried to join in conversations I was shut down. I look back now and realized I was trying to fit in where I was not wanted. I had no alternative except to be alone and now I wish I had spent more time alone. If I had I would not have had to endure a lot of teasing and being put down. I was only doing what I read which was to dress like everyone else and do everything to fit in. I'm thankful that young people today are told to be themselves.

The same applies to marriage. You and your spouse may enjoy sitting on a porch holding hands. The couple down the street might be world travelers. I recall an older couple who said they had never gone to bed angry in 40 years of marriage. There are other married people where one will sleep on the couch or another bedroom to cool down and that works for them. This is why the only secret to a lasting relationship is that there is none. I can recall reading Cosmopolitan when my spouse and I were dating seeking ideas about how to keep him happy.

There was a good feeling to believing that I was following certain principles step by step and making them work. Somehow, over time I matured and began enjoying the relationship rather than trying to steer its course. There is nothing wrong with gleaning from other sources but I have found that when you just take your time and pay attention you can figure out what works best for you. I know an interracial couple whose family, counselor or pastor was against their being together.

There was no way they could obtain the help they needed in such an environment. They made their own decisions and are still together today. They have surely endured issues that same-race couples do not and again this is why any marriage advice cannot be considered as general and for everyone. I recall a church I once attended where the pastor taught that the key to a long marriage was attending church and reading the bible. There was also a marriage mentoring ministry within the church.

Over time, about 6 or 7 of the roughly 9 or 10 couples this pastor counseled and married ended up separated or divorced. On the other hand, I know a couple who are Atheists who have been married more than 60 years and seem happy together. Paula White Cain who was one of Donald Trump's spiritual advisers had a television show where sports personalities Dion Sanders, Darryl Strawberry, and their wives along with several other celebrity couples thanked Ms. White Cain for saving their marriages.

This gave the television audience the impression that the couples learned something that kept their relationships working. Today, every one of those coupled is divorced including Paula White Cain who is on her third marriage. I do not share this information to judge anyone. I am pointing out that no human being, book, seminar, tape or CD can guarantee that any relationship will have staying power. The two people involved will have to work at it one day at a time with a resolve to make it work. Again Isay the secret to a lasting relationship is that there is none.