The Secret That Nearly Killed Me

So I have been holding on to this secret for most of my life due to fear of rejection from friends and family as well as people in my community. I’ve been wrestling with whether or not to be open about it and finally be free of the shackles which keep me from fully being myself. After talking to a friend who kinda already knew and when asked whether or not I should finally come out he said this:

“You do what you feel in your heart is best for you to be happy in your life. Who cares what the ignorant people of the world think of you or the way you live your life and who you love? Let your freak flag fly. Do what will make you happy so you can be the best you ever.”

When I saw an ad for this contest I decided to enter the story of my secret. I just hope it doesn’t have any negative effects on my life and my happiness. So as I suck in a deep breath and exhale it slowly I will now begin my story.

I grew up in a family of 12 children (all girls), I was number 10 in the line of girls. I always felt like I was different from other girls. I hung out with primarily boys, I loved spending time working on cars with my dad, I was a tomboy. I didn’t play with Barbies, I instead climbed crabapple trees and enjoyed taking my bike off roading and wrestling around with the guys. I began to notice that something was off about me when I became a teenager because instead of checking out boys I’d be checking out girls with my buddies. I ended up having a crush on a girl in 7th grade and we secretly dated for a couple months until her brother saw us holding hands and kissing and told her parents. It kinda sucked because I really liked that girl. Then in high school I was asked out by this guy whom had just had his heart broken by one of my friends so I kinda felt sorry for him so when he asked me out I agreed to go out with him. He and I only lasted a couple weeks due to the fact that I found out from one of my buddies that the guy was lying to people in the school by telling them that he had gotten into my pants. I humiliated him in front of the entire school when I broke up with him. Then at the age of 17 I met the man that would be my first ex-husband. I married him right out of high school and we started a family together. Well 8 1/2 years later I ended up catching him in bed with another man so needless to say we got divorced. Six months later a female friend of mine came out to me and told me how she had had a thing for me since the first day she met me and asked me if I had any type of feelings like that for her. I did of course but had always been too afraid to say anything until that moment. After that we began dating on the low cause my family didn’t know due to the fact that I had seen the way they treated one of my younger sisters when she came out of the closet. We dated for half a year and then we broke up due to her falling in love with someone else.

I had relationships with a few men over the years after that but I still always felt weird. I tried talking to the guys about my sexuality and the disgusting responses I got from them were just aggravating. I decided I would never ever let someone in like that again.

So here it is the year 2020 and I’m finally ready (I think) to come out to the world so I can finally be truly happy.

My name is Phoenix Marie Blair and I am bi-sexual. There I finally said it out loud. I have decided from this day forward I will never allow anyone to ever make me feel like I have to live by their definition of normal. I believe love is love regardless of gender, skin color or religion. This is me finally holding my head up high and loving who I am and what I am. I only hope after people read this they will still accept me. If they don’t then I will just have to live with their decision not to. Carrying this secret around for so long has caused me major depression, anxiety, eating disorders and suicidal behavior. I’m happy to finally be free of the burden from carrying this secret for so long.

I hope that maybe my story can help somebody else who may be struggling with this same issue.