The Safe Ivory Place

Something had shattered. I had felt it looming for what felt like hours, days even. The gradual unravelling of my moorings until I finally came completely untethered. And then it just shattered, the slim, ceramic thread that had held me to the dock, the safe haven on which I teetered.

We had only been together for 9 months, but it was clear who was in command, who had the upper hand. As I sat there feeling the swell of the balloon of longing stretching to bursting point in my gut, I realised that my usual comfortable spot had become a prison, and I was staring through bars at the world outside, longing for a release. The walls were ivory. They held me safe but held me nevertheless.

I don’t think there was any malice from her, the intentions were good, she had been my rock for these months, nourishing me. I had emerged from a cocoon, not knowing what the future held, where my path would lead, and she had picked me up and guided me to place that until now had felt me safe. But now I was aching, unsure of which way to turn, which direction to take. My torment was like a constant pain in my side, like a stitch but more solid, a physical obstruction. I thought it was the acid reflux of my nerves at first, unable to rid myself of the perpetual confusion I was sure it was my stomach reacting, the valve opening and shutting, releasing the bile I felt to circulate around my body.

I didn’t have a name for her, I knew her by sight and as far as I was concerned her radiance couldn’t be named, I had no words for my feelings for her, so I lay there, mute – if I couldn’t express the sheer weight of my love for her then I would say nothing. Sometimes I tried and nothing would emerge, just a small noise, inadequate. She had a name of course, I just couldn’t form it in my mind, it was too slight for the mass of her orbit.

I looked around again, looking for a way out? I had been comfortable here, all my needs provided for. We woke together each morning, sometimes before the sun crept its way through the gap in the heavy blinds. If they hadn’t been fully closed a single ray was enough to pull me from my slumber, the heat of that first summer had become unbearable and I slept with only my modesty covered. The heat amplified the smell of lavender from the moisturiser we religiously applied each evening, often relaxing us to sleep. Most mornings I would simply mumble some jumble of letters approximating her name, softly, the adoration I felt for her transported through the air until it caressed her ears and she too was woken. I would smile as her eyes opened, her tousled hair swept aside by an agitated flick of her hand or a gentle whoosh from her ruby lips.

But this morning, her sleep was deeper, the rise and fall of her chest more exaggerated, and I watched her bosom rising and falling, rising and falling, rising and falling until…I couldn’t contain it any longer, and the silence shattered as abruptly as my patience.

‘Mama!’ I shrieked, shocked at the sound of my own voice, as if heard from a different part of the room, tumbling around the walls and coving until it burst into my ears, a stranger entering for the first time, the introduction faltering and uncertain.

She tumbled from the bed, concern flooding her face in parallel with the adjustment to the room, her awareness of her responsibilities emerging less gradually than usual that morning as she trudged up the stairs from asleep to awake.

‘Oh darling, your first word’ Mummy said, tears welling through the tiny flake of sleep at the corner of her beautiful, hazel, almond eyes, ‘What’s wrong with you?’.

She leant into my cot, picked me up with an ease which belied her slight frame, pivoting at her waist and back in a single motion. Then my Mother hitched me onto her hip and bent again into the crib.

‘There it is, how on earth did that get in here, was it digging into your little backy-wack?’ She said, wriggling her nose against mine. I couldn’t help but giggle then. ‘Let’s have a look inside shall we? Here it is, in this little secret pocket at the back, this is our fortune, this little pink ticket. I put it here to keep it safe. Thanks for looking after it, you clever little boy.’

And then she kissed me, and everything was alright.