The Parts of Me That Are Alone

To start, I am alone. I am in college—freshman year. And just because I'm a freshman, don't you dare write me off as another homesick, bummer boy who's just crying about how he can't go home to mommy. It doesn't always work like that. This is my first piece of writing work on Vocal, so don't judge too hard.

The fact that I am alone really comes from multiple facets. My roommate is gone on a retreat right now, and I am at least three states away from any family. So, why don't I go and hang out with my friends? Simply put, I don't have any. Now, if I were you, I'd say, "Suck it up, face your fears, and go socialize with someone. Chances are you'll find at least one friend." And I'd listen to you. Actually, I have already tried.

I've sat with people I know nothing about, in classes that surprisingly have plenty of time to socialize. We have the usual "Hi, what's your name? What's your major?" and every question that only scratches the surface of a person, yet never makes any sort of connection. Then I draw a blank, they don't say anything, and I leave class with one less opportunity to find a friend in someone. I also have gone through the same process with 50 percent of my floor. The other 50 percent are on a sports team, and don't have time for a loser like me, or are just gone all the time and I have no idea where they go.

So yeah, go me. No friends, no family, my roommate is gone, and when he is here, he is just as boring as being alone. So, what can a person do, being completely alone?

I could go for a walk... and watch everybody walk with their friends. I could walk alone as I'm trapped in my mind of boredom. I walk, and try to find beauty in the trees, in the campus, in life; Nothing overcomes that boredom though.

I could play video games, and get fat as I eat Whales (the underrated version of Goldfish). Even video games get boring sometimes, even if you love them. I'm too broke to buy new games, and the old ones get a little repetitive. Not to mention I'll feel worse, as I personally do not enjoy being un-athletic. I like being able to compete if I can. It's enjoyable to play sports, but it's hard to enjoy them when you're on a team, yet not a part of it.

I could throw myself into some intramural sports in which nobody knows who I am, and they will just look at me weird as they (as a group of friends) gladly play together. Imagine a group of friends, and then 10 feet away, there's me all alone because I SUCK at socializing and making friends. I'd agree that not every situation is the same, but after five to six years of hockey (and never making a good friend out of it) one tends to lose hope in it.

I could read a book, and I'll be one of the first to admit that there are some really good books. Unfortunately, most of those books are one-and-done. You read it, then maybe a few years down the road you re-read it, but you'll never forget how it ends. If it's that good though, I personally can't stand having to read through it again as I just want to get that amazing ending.

Watch a movie? Start a new show? Draw? Talk to your family? Done it all, more than once. I'd like a little excitement, ya know? A little... friendship? I guess other people would make things interesting. Too bad I'm just not cut out for friends. I'll explore that part of me in another writing.

Writing. That's what I'm trying right now. Maybe it'll help me come to terms with my inner demons. Maybe it'll help me make some closure. I don't know. I guess we'll find out. Anywho, sorry for probably boring you with my really bad work. I got nothing to lose though, so I'm just throwing this out there. If you can relate, know you're not alone. If you can't relate... I don't know. Enjoy? And if you think this is stupid, I might agree just because I hate being like this. Move on to something you do enjoy though. You may not understand (and that's okay), and you may absolutely hate this (that's okay too), but in that case, you should probably move and not get stuck on the fact that you hate me. There's more in this world to enjoy than focusing on what you don't enjoy.