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The Other Side of Marriage Equality

Living Through Same-Sex Divorce

By Allison HollandPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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A song I wrote after my divorce ...

I didn't get married on a whim. I know that some people were so excited about the prospect of finally being able to get married that they tied the knot when maybe it wasn't at the right time or to the right person. I didn't think I was part of that group.

We were actually married before Marriage Equality took effect. In California in 2009, there was a brief window when same-sex marriage became legal, and my partner and I took advantage of it. We'd been together since 1994 and figured that after 15 years together, things were as solid as they were going to get.

I'm not going to say that we were one of those annoyingly in-love couples. We weren't lovey-dovey, smoochy all over each other all the time. We didn't act like starry-eyed teenagers after a decade and a half together. But I think we were the kind of couple other couples might have wished to be more like.

We had no trouble being in each other's presence 24/7. At one point, we worked at the same company, in the same department for years. We got up together, drove to work together, spent the entire day together, went home together, and did it all again the next day.

We argued, but we didn't fight. There was no name calling and no harsh words. We never said anything we would regret or couldn't take back.

We laughed. A lot. We traveled. We dined. We loved each others family like our own. We could talk for hours or sit for hours without saying a word. She was my very best friend and the only person I felt truly able to be vulnerable with. I had total trust in her. I knew she loved me completely and would never hurt me.

Until she did.

It all unraveled so quickly. In 2009 we vowed to stay together for the rest of our lives. And we meant it. By the end of 2010 we were divorced.

I admit, I wasn't being the perfect wife. I'd reconnected with a number of old high school chums via social media and was probably spending too much time interacting and socializing with them, and not enough with my wife. It was something of a raucous bunch and we weren't always on our best behavior. My partner evidently saw me acting in ways she didn't appreciate.

Enter one particular old high school pal who was in the midst of exploring her own burgeoning bisexual leanings. At first, the three of us were friends, or perhaps a bit more. It was flirtatious and confusing, and I think we were all going through some 40-something mid-life crisis. One last sowing of the wild oats before going over the hill.

Bad timing being what it is, the blooming bisexual gave my girl all the attention I wasn't giving her during that critical period and, apparently, love followed. In response to my protests to Blooming Bi that she already had a husband and didn't also need my wife, she simply said, "What can I say? The heart wants what it wants..." And her heart wanted what my heart had had for nearly 17 years. And that's exactly what she got.

All breakups are bad (if they aren't, you probably didn't belong together to begin with). But divorce is ugly. I didn't want it to be. I just wanted to sign the papers and get it over with. I was hurt, I was humiliated, I was stunned—life as I knew it had slipped through my fingers like smoke.

But then she started wanting things, financial things. And that made it so much worse. I felt like she'd already taken so much from me, and she was coming back for more. What I wanted was for her to say, "I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you. Let's just do this quietly and go our separate ways." I wanted us to divorce like we'd been together. Like friends, like partners, like the nearly 20 years we'd had together still counted for something.

But, that's not how divorce goes. And it's devastating.

I won't bore you with all the details about the fighting and the back-and-forth. It was years ago, and I'm over it now. She and I even text each other from time to time now just to stay in touch. And that's nice. But I miss her. I miss us. I miss what we could have been. I've let go of the bitterness, but not the sorrow.

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About the Creator

Allison Holland

I write. I blog. I animate. I illustrate. I was just another cog in the soul-sucking machinery of Corporate America before escaping to chase my dreams.

https://allisonhollandwrites.com

Twitter @HollandWrites

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