The Night Was Blue

There is something to be said about taking a moment to stare into the darkness and find a picture clearer than during the daylight. I am finding myself in these types of moments more so than not these days. Ones where the wind feels clear if you could associate a color to such. A feeling the form of an absence. Not of another body but a state of mind. Knowing somewhere along the path you followed you lost yourself. The one that knew the meaning of right and wrong, and there was no gray area. The person with careless dreams and big ideas. Ones that were bigger than the night sky. Even far more vast!

Sigh, all lost somewhere within the clutter of life!

With each title came a certain role that was to be played. From being a daughter, sister, mother, niece, and eventually that of a wife. So as I sit and stare at the brilliant blue hues glowing beyond the bridge... I have begun to revisit the person I was prior to all those roles. The ones that have been and are no longer or have changed into a different stage. A different mindset and much less of my presence. Life is rushing past me and I am finding more time to force myself to stop and focus on the silence. To not get caught up in the rat race. To not let my emotions drive my choices. To be still.

The biggest challenge of it all... stand still!

I am a busy body. I am not a fan of idle minutes in a day. This only allows for that gray matter between my ears to tell me lies. To feed my fear and insecurities with self-doubt. I have read too many "tips on finding the happiness train" or other you tube videos on "jump starting your dead heart"! Okay, so maybe I made up the titles and twisted it to the extreme, but you get what I am trying to say. I did the work, I put in the hours to find every educational tool to help me past the negatives I was drowning in. Tips on finding ways to spark the happy, happy from inside myself. There is no way I was going to allow myself to go down that path again. The forward motion I have made to get to the point I am at today... is pretty badass! Excuse my language... but I am proud of myself!

The life I am living today is far from what I ever would have dreamt for myself. It is not considered normal. I make my coffee in an old fashion percolating pot while I stand on the concrete floor. My windows have no sills. The walls have no baseboard or trim. Some of the plumbing works. The majority of my house's artwork... are paintings I found laying near the trash cans. Pictures others thought were garbage are now the main focal points. If I had not gone down the road I did... I never would have found myself digging in the trash. I was so above that! I wouldn't have an appreciation for hot showers, working appliances, and peace of mind. Seeing things about life in the stillness of the hues before my eyes. Having an emotion to the scents and sights I am intertwined within.

I wouldn't be excited for the unknown with an optimistic attitude.

How many of you drove over that bridge tonight? Your headlights on the bright setting to prevent not seeing something popping out ahead on the road. Stuck at the red light, impatiently wanting to get home. Feeling the onset of winter depression from the early darkness. I watched as car after car passed by. Curious as to how many of you had any idea you were missing the deepest of blues dancing across the sky. How many of you were fully present with your presence at any time today? Not distracted by your phone or notifications of emails driving your body to be in one location and your mind off in another.

I am a busy body... I despised sitting still. Now I find days to be productive and others to do nothing other than focus on the stillness. To remain focused on all those big dreams and ideas from the past versions of me. As much as it would be easy to get sucked into the negative thoughts and emotions... it feels better to stick to the laughter and insane positivity I am spewing out in my life!

It feels good!

All with a change of perspective. You drove across a bridge in the dark of night. I watched a brilliance of blue hues dance across the horizon of the bridge. So it is with stillness that everything in the darkness is now the most beautiful of a night.