Women have been told to find a nice guy. That doesn't seem like the case anymore because 'nice' doesn't hold up to the term. It's either a guy with a good mask on to cover up the selfish personality to uphold this fictitious image. The nice guy could mean well originally on a steady trust with a stranger to get to know, but using the traits to get him somewhere in home plate. The nice guy could be, and to put it bluntly, he's an asshole.
Attributes in guys are hard to find, but then again its better to leave those specific expectations out. Like the cliched saying goes about how opposites attract.
The Nice Guy aspect has lost it's term that it didn't really have. Nice isn't exactly a trusted personality trait. Like i said earlier, those traits can be disguised or misinterpreted.
The Christian Man
My grandfather had pointed out to me that I need to find a nice guy from church. He said that that is the only place I could ever find a boyfriend (though he is really looking for husband material for me). I hate to say this, but using a religious attachment to define someone. That doesn't and shouldn't make the assumption that they will be a good guy. I've been on dates with "Christian" men. I'm not saying that not all men use it as a ruse, but there are some that will either be intense snobs about everything, to be judgemental and rotten. Then there are ones on the latter that will deceive women into thinking the life for the Lord is important to them, then they end up finding out the hard way that they were tricked or didn't see any hints.
When I was 19, I met a man where I worked, he was a customer buying a big dresser. I was immediately smitten with him. I took a spontaneous chance and asked him out on a date. I found out he was a Christian, so I knew that there would be a chance that I finally found a guy to go out with with the same religious views I did.
There were clues I should have seen. He talked about how he made out with a girl at his birthday party, I should have taken that as a hint that this guy wasn't as pristine as I thought. I'm not judging in that way, people can live their lives as sexually as they want. But it still does sting when something intimate like that is told when it's known I liked him.
The date comes, I changed my clothes at work and told my co-workers about this date. I honestly had no idea what he had planned and I wasn't sure exactly how dating goes. I was very naive, but curious for this venture into dating.
He picked me up from work, his friend was in the car. I didn't mind it at first, I just took my place in the backseat and I could barely get a word in. It started to not feel like a date, then his friend was dropped off, we got Taco Bell and took he back to his place to watch Doctor Who.
Then, he took my food, he never let me finish my food because he wanted to make out. HE TOOK MY TACO BELL. Yes, it is a little dramatic to say it like that. It was weird that he deprived my food, that was misogynistic.
Now I will admit that I consented to the kiss, and how some of it escalated underneath the clothes to second and third base. Then when I said I didn't to do anything sexually anymore. We lied on the couch, he kept talking dirty, even though I was clearly not into this anymore. He masturbated and the ejaculation got on my arm. I wiped my arm off with a nearby afghan blanket, and said I wanted to go home.
When he was tying his shoes, he says to me, "I bet you didn't think this was how the date was going to go."
I looked down and said with a stale smile, "No I didn't."
He took me home, blasting Will Smith's Getting Jiggy With It (Making me hate that song because I associate it with him).
Next morning, I was recalling all the events of the date. I was in tears thinking about it, that last part of the date got to me. It was natural that I was emotional in reacting to the memory because the date didn't plan the way I thought (I was naive, so I didn't have the realistic thought that no date really goes as planned)
My co-workers wanted to know what happened, I told them, they were appalled and sympathetic to my situation.
He did contact me later on that day, just a simple hello and said he enjoyed the date.
I didn't contact him ever again.
Some people are who they are from their personalities and being Christian does unfortunately make the assumption that it's a well-meaning person, when the person isn't.
Being Christian has a nerving term to it now to me. I have to remind myself that this person may or may not have hidden intentions and that his religion does not make a point in my book.
Religious doesn't qualify anymore to be a nice guy.
The Date Ideas
This is one weird observation I can't believe I'm about to bring up: guys that have (purposely) inserted dancing for an option.
I can understand that it was something to take up as an option for courting, or possibly exploring that activity in a romantic setting. It does feel like a adventurous and spontaneous idea for a date. But like I said, it almost feels that it was purposely inserted in the wrong way. I remember when there was a man that I was talking with on OK Cupid, he had offered to me to go dancing, naturally I was flattered. Then he bragged about it. Saying how great he was and that he would teach me. I'm not saying this is set in stone, that I'm correct about being hesitant to this offer because it's pushed to me.
It's an observation I wanted to share if any other ladies (or gentleman) think of that too. To see a romantic gesture that has been used to show off instead of thinking it would be a fun activity.
I remember another date I went on where he wanted to do so many activities because he was excited to have a date that would eventually be his girlfriend, but I wasn't on board with a lot of the events he wanted to do. I was feeling very smothered. He wasn't exactly liking the fact that I wanted to take things slower, some hints weren't taken.
Everyone is entitled to do what they want to do at their own pace. Activities should be enjoyed and not rushed or feeling like there has to be a way to show off. It's a real turn off to to me to see a guy have to show off these romantic endeavors, or if they want to do so much by wanting to do so much in a little amount of time. I'd rather have a casual guy that is very humble about his routines and ideas.
Disagreements that are bordered on Misogyny
I remember a guy I went on with a date with had asked me a casual question, "Do you like How I Met Your Mother?
I said, "No I don't like it."
He says with a sarcastic smile, "I'll fix that."
It's a simple question about TV shows and that alarmed me. If I didn't like a show, what else would he try to fix?
I was right, because he went onto say, "Are you going to watch the Super Bowl?"
I said, "I'm not into sports, so the Super Bowl doesn't entice me."
And I'll be darn, he wouldn't accept that, and kept saying for me to come over and watch the Super Bowl.
He wouldn't accept that I didn't like the shows he mentioned, and he wanted me to be a woman that liked sports. It was almost as if I had to be the ideal woman he wanted from this date.
Throughout the whole date, I was interrupted in the middle of my sentences. He bragged about himself and had told me what he wanted in a woman. He was disrespectful, and I was close to getting up and just leaving. But I stayed because I was trying to give him a chance. I shouldn't have.
It's difficult to do this internal investigation with your gut to see if this would be a guy to pursue or to be forgiving for a certain quirk. Some of those quirks are hard to interpret if it was intentionally rude or unintentionally rude. Because regardless of personality, it is always a chance that there will be heartbreak or let downs. Just like with a few of the guys I mentioned that sullied my experiences. I didn't let it hurt me too much so I can be strong and move on to continue to be open to possible relationships. These experiences also gave me a heightened response to make sure I don't have this happen to me again. That also give me a bit of strength to be sure to not take it so personally and to not be as sensitive every time.
But not all of these are bad guys. Some of them probably didn't think their verbal actions and mannerisms through. They probably had some maturing to do. There was just a misfortune to catch them at a time they had yet to be matured. It could have also been a blessing in disguise to see through that disguise.
Navigating through dating is harder with trying to decipher a stranger and choose to trust this stranger that could have a shady character.
I've had to do a limitation of my trust mixed with spontaneous nature so I can still enjoy a date, but be cautious and monitor some habits or answers.
But there should be a different rephrase to finding a guy. Instead of saying, "I want to find a nice guy", it should be, "I want to find a neutral guy".
Why? Because whoever your pursuing might surprise you that they might be your kind of guy with the nice aspects your looking for. Not the stuff from movies where a fictional couple does something that you want for a relationship. There could a surprise in common activities or quirks, your kind of casual gentleman-like demeanor, and a balanced nature of agreeing and disagreeing. So it can gradually build trust. To go from cautious to casual as it should. To not be pushed into situations, bizarre predicaments, or disrespectful moments from this "nice guy".