The Monster Inside

**Warning: article discusses cancer**

It lurks, hidden in shadow, invoking fear. It’s unpredictable and always gets you when you don’t expect it. This monster kills its prey: if not you, then someone you know. It is a loathsome evil capable of such wickedness that no man on earth does not fear its violence. A daemon with no conscience, it preys on everyone, regardless of age. It has no reason or discriminatory methods. It has lived since the beginning of time and has no time. When it comes, it leaves no one untouched. It destroys every life it touches or nears. You may stave off this vile wraith, but you can never defeat it. When you believe you have, it often metamorphoses and returns in another form you cannot anticipate. No one speaks his name, and even saying his name invokes terror. What is this immortal abomination? His name is Cancer.

Cancer. The vilest word in any language. There is none more repulsive. It is an incubus that robs people of happiness. Cancer has touched my life and the lives of many friends and family members. It is the second-leading cause of death in the world.

There is truly no cure for this disease, and while there are treatment protocols, the treatments are even crueler to humans. Chemotherapy, radiation, and pharmaceuticals are used in an attempt to counteract the ravaging effects in the body, but they have not been enough to remove it from the human race. It adapts, it returns, it is relentless. For people who have staved it off, there is a never-ending future of fear of its return.

I have been touched by this beast more than once. It has taken several family members from me. It has touched my dearest friends. It is currently plaguing even more family and friends as I write this.

I have watched how this fiend eats away at the victims it feeds on. The physical ruination is enough to inspire hatred for this thing, but what it does to a person's spirit is even more devastating. It destroys their resolve. It takes such a toll on the individual diagnosed with the disease that they usually reach a point where they cannot take the fight any longer. They give up.

There is nothing known to mankind that has as much power over a person’s determination. It is devastating to see the moment a person accepts defeat, the moment a human gives this monster final authority over their body and life. Just thinking about it now brings me to tears.

Human life is so precious. Life, in general, no matter how difficult, is a beautiful adventure. It is beautiful in every way. We often fail to appreciate it until it is too late, and when the inevitable hits, we regret not having lived it to the fullest. Unfortunately, that is just part of the human condition. We don’t appreciate life, experiences, people, and things as we should.

When cancer hits us or anyone we care for, we want to fight it with every available tool. We want and need to preserve human life. We want and need our friends and loved ones. They are our foundations, our support systems, our peace, our joy. Treatments are often more devastating than the cancer itself.

I witnessed the pain the treatments caused in people I knew with this parasitic leech of life. From the chronic itching all over the body that never stops to the burning sensation as if you were being burned from the inside out, the effects of chemotherapy and radiation are as bad, if not worse, than the cancer itself.

If dealing with the chemical poisons running rampant in her body was not bad enough, watching someone you love literally starve to death because of the severity of the treatment is an added slap in the face. Of the two options a person can experience, nausea at any smell or upon ingestion of food, or the outward inability to eat, out of revulsion or lack of appetite altogether, neither is one any person would choose. Cancer treatments are a cruel master.

I saw my aunt go through it twice. It was horrifying. I will never forget the phone calls when she was crying in torment. I was powerless to help or ease her symptoms or her conscience. We tried many ways to entice her to eat or to try foods she could find edible, but nothing worked.

My father chose a different tack. He just refused to be treated. He did not want to suffer as he saw his sister suffer. So he let the evil consume him. It was a slow progression at first, but when it spread, and he began to feel the effects of the systems it was attacking, it visibly took a physical toll on him. There was nothing to change what was happening to him.

The farther his torment went, the less able he was to ease its effects. The insult to injury comes when everything begins to fail, and the only resolution is to dull the symptoms with morphine. At that point, most are barely able to communicate verbally at all. Watching anyone stare out into the ether, without speaking, without being able to verbalize their need for something that can comfort them, is a madness I can’t describe.

Cancer’s evil tendrils don’t just stop with the person suffering from the disease. Its touch spreads to everyone around them. Spouses, siblings, children, parents, and friends all suffer just as badly. Theirs is a slow death as well.

Unlike a sudden death, where it happens and you mourn and grieve for a period afterward, with cancer, you get to grieve and mourn for extended periods of time. It is relentless in that it drags out the suffering for the survivors, sometimes for years. That kind of prolonged suffering and anguish affects caregivers and the people who will be left behind after the traumatic journey with cancer, concludes.

Cancer’s effects don’t stop there. The traumatized secondary victims spend months and sometimes years thinking about the what-ifs, or could-haves. What if we had tried this, or could we have done this or that? These are slippery slopes we who are left behind traverse.

Further down the circle of family and friends are the friends of the friends, the friends of the family, the extended or distant family, and workers, co-workers, and so on. What can they do? What can they say? Nothing.

Nothing anyone says or wants to say helps ease the months of suffering. No words or sentiments can touch the grief. Words are inadequate. A touch or hug breaks the survivor down. Speaking or remembering the person who has passed causes pain and more tears. Nothing can be done or said to change anything. The process of grief will have its due.

God, I know how depressing this conversation is. It hurts me just to put this down on paper. So why am I doing it?

I do it because I’m mad. More than mad, I’m enraged. I hate. Hate is not a word I use often. Not for people, not for much in life. But I hate cancer. HATE!

Just the other day, a friend on one of my social media platforms told me she is now navigating a loved one’s journey through this creation of hell. She understands that the road ahead with the man she loves is about to begin. She is brave. She has courage. But even that won’t be enough. She will need all hands on deck to support her each day as she supports him and walks this road with him. Outcomes are never guaranteed, but hope must always be grabbed and held on to. This will be a long road with many obstacles. I will be there for her as she needs me. I can’t do anything less.

I think about her and the love of her life, who get to have that love and keep it. I often think about parents whose children are struck by the villain. I think about my dear friend who has just survived a bout with the killer and staved him off. I think about my family members who are currently fighting for their lives as well. It makes me so utterly incensed that they have to deal with this debilitating trauma.

I remember praying when I saw how my aunt suffered during her battle with cancer and its treatment. I prayed that if it was possible, I could take her pain. I asked God to give me her suffering. I was younger and stronger, and I thought I could take that burden instead. The truth is, my youth and strength would not have mattered. Cancer is the great equalizer. It brings the strong and the weak, the healthy and the ill, the young and the old to their knees. None of us has the power to overpower it, to eradicate it from the face of the earth, not so far.

Anyone who has ever been touched by the abomination understands the fight ahead and the need to continue the work of finding not just cures but a better way to treat patients diagnosed with the disease. Many are involved in, or become involved in, supporting research and development of cancer-fighting methods. This is something we should all be engaged in, because, like it or not, believe it or not, it WILL come for you or someone you love.

We need to support that research. I mean that firmly; I don’t just tell others to do it. I do it. I can’t watch anyone go through this and not care. I care. We can all do something, even if it’s just praying or sending good vibes. Just being there for someone is sometimes all that’s needed.

For those who have gone through it or are going through it, my heart goes out to you. My love goes out to you. For those walking through this jungle with someone else, my prayers and my heart are always with you, even if you don’t know me. My heart breaks for every person this devil touches.

(first published on Substack)

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