The Modern Mess of Romance

I have a question that may not have a correct answer or an answer in general, but I know this is a question on the mind of people that find romance a bit odd or off these days.

When did romance change to the point that it made it harder to getting to know someone through these bizarre interrogated questions? To having a relationship that almost feels like it has to be calculated and structured to a certain degree or on the latter of the spectrum, that people didn’t really care too much?

How did Romance change this way?

With that asked, I answered that question with another question with some re-phrasing.

Why does it feel like there is either someone that goes to pressuring and invasive levels to achieve a relationship of their own design or someone that just doesn't put the initiative in enough?

Now I understand as well as others understand that relationships are not going to be perfect, the people in the relationship won't be perfect. Someone might be nervous or still maturing as a person and that could make the idea of romance very tricky.

• People might prefer a progressive person that moves fast or people that prefer a slow burn relationship.
• People could have a certain aspect of the relationship that is focused heavily on sex and that works for some of them to progress faster.
• People often prove themselves then what was originally thought of them. A date ends up working out better than expected.

But the idea that makes me uncomfortable and irritated for anyone, man or woman or non-binary, are those who believe relationships can be structured to be perfect to the point that it’s going to take away the identity or voice of the other partner.

Relationships have to be built past the date, not built and created to an unrealistic design for the date or prior to the date.

A couple of certain problems come to mind that has altered romance into the mess that it is that make it difficult for pursuing or continuing for a relationship.

The Missing Part

I feel like there’s a middle part that goes missing in the transition to going into relationships or a date. That the "getting to know you" portion has been taken out.

I've had numerous dates where the person I went out with had talked about what to do in the relationship besides getting to know me. It was as if looking at me was all they had to have, and the information about my likes and dislikes weren't taken into valued information for them to have to learn about me.

It's like skipping forward in a movie and missing all the vital information. That vital information should be important to that someone. Dating is all about learning about that person, about you. Why is it that some people are interested in dating yet, the interest is only selected to either asking inappropriate things to determine how the relationship can advance even though there wasn't one? Sometimes not even the inappropriate stuff, but rushing someone to get to a relationship because of the idea of getting to have a relationship, failing to see the other person is not on their wavelength and then they feel smothered.

Because the other person deliberately missed the middle part to have that moment to ask questions and see if this was someone they wanted? It robbed the chance for the relationship by rushing into things with invasive nature or lack of interest.

But it's hard to gauge if it really is an accident or if the person really shouldn't be looking for people if he/she/they have this convoluted and condescending talk. It could be signaled as a red flag by accident or if this is who they are.

Taking a chance on a stranger for the idea of a relationship is tricky to trust. Those defensive feelings have to be a staple these days to maintain respect for oneself as well as the gut-feeling intuition. A pleasant surprise would be nice, but if the person on the date is acting out of line or barely interested, those defensive feelings come in handy to keep from wasting too much time.

I say all this despite the fact that there is not a set rule of romance. Everyone has their own comfort level of progressing the romance in relationships.

Fiction Friction

But the idea of romance has been twisted to appear as if has to be something from a movie or television show, it's nice to get a certain idea to try out, but to have it copy and paste of it? No originality? Comparing a flesh and blood person to be more fiction-like then the real person they are?

It's not wrong to fantasize over a fictional character, it's normal for everyone, As a teenager, if I saw a minor aspect I found attractive in a character would be present onto someone else, it did appeal to me to make the move and see if this would be a person I would be into past the looks.

If anything, the fiction fantasy help out in some stances to test out what we find attractive, I've learned myself that my quality quirks of attraction has differed over the years.

Did it work out for Adam Sandler's character from Bedtime Stories? Absolutely not. Was it a nice idea to have the daydream of what could happen in a perfect scenario with someone crafted perfectly in the imagination? Yes.

But the reality of meeting someone who is real and unique and can't be crafted out of the pages, that's better.

The Meet-Cute

Speaking of daydreams, that's a term that's come up quite often for how people want the relationships to happen. Again, nothing wrong with having the daydream of what could happen, because it still could, just in due time without being stressed out of making this happen or waiting for it to happen.

But I do want to point out that constructing these to be waiting is not a good option.

I've had my share of crushes that I wanted to craft this perfect moment for like in the movies. One time, I had a crush on a coffee barista and on the times I've gone to the coffee house to write my book, I would try set myself up for the "meet-cute", if he happen to be there. I would have a cute outfit on, and I would be as close as I could to the counter so I would have this scenario played in my head. I would wonder and hope if it would happen. I thought if I coyly looked his way and then back on my papers, it would be some subtle hints. Maybe he would come over and talk to me and I would hear, "Hey, I was wondering by any chance you want to go out on a date sometime?" or any other brand of sentance that had such a sappy and cheesy way to say that I thought maybe he would tell me.

It was absolute waste of time. I had a better chance of taking the bull by the horns and leaving a note for him that said, "Hey, I like you, wanna met up for ice cream sometimes and have a casual date? If not that's Ok, just thought I'd take the chance".

I was presumptive to have this idea if I played coy and cute it would work. Who knows maybe he did like me, but he was shy and I was selfish to my own idealism.

Because we are fascinated with the idea of getting to meet this special someone, we look for any part in their face. If we see someone, maybe they'll look over and the moment happens. But it wishing for it every time, trying to make it happen at the unsuspecting moments while being suspecting does make the moment less likely to happen. It becomes stale and dull to believe the moment because of planning for it at any opportunity, when the moment is supposed to be the moment time stopped and life would change.

It would be nice instead to plan for something, after the moment, if that person is supposed to be the topic on the mind, let it be what could happen after, not what if? . Instead of making these calculated hypothesized ideas about waiting. If the moment comes up and it was a bit awkward or weird, so be it.

Romance has been made to be convoluted to and uncomfortable and unnecessary extreme. People aren't perfect, and the road to romance isn't perfect, but it shouldn't have to be this hard to talk to someone who has a twisted idea of how relationships work. Between online dating to give the extra opportunities to find someone, and progressing in a slow confidence to be bold and live life in the present. There are steps taken back that hinder these romantic possibilities for someone who is kind and willing and find themselves wasted of their time.

Some of these people we encounter that don't have an exact idea of what they want in a relationship, may need time to figure that out, and shouldn't waste anymore of your time.

Relationships to develop these romantic moments (your own romantic moments) take time, and someone needs to take that time serious as well as take you serious.

That's the way it should be, why is that hard?