The Mishap and Misconception of the Presumed Guilt of the Giant

"Hi, the name's Toby. Well, technically it's Tobias Littleton, but you might know me best as the giant from "Jack and the Beanstalk".

“I used to live at 1222 Castle lane, but I've had to relocate to the county prison due to allegations, procured by Jack Spriggins.”

“I'd like to bring to your attention that I'm a very well mannered, peace-keeping giant. I participate and am actively involved in many social events and charity. I believe it is important to be healthy both mentally and physically, so I practice daily meditation and yoga.

On this day however, I was a victim of the worst case of misunderstanding and injustice I have ever seen.

I's not uncommon for someone to lose their cool for a second, a life-altering, mind-splitting second. However, even though I lost my cool, the story you know is not one of facts, but rather one of fiction and complete fabrication.”

“So here is the real story of how I was falsely accused:”

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“One morning, I woke up at the crack of dawn and decided to make breakfast and coffee for my wife, since she had just gotten home from a long shift at the hospital. When I went into the kitchen, I felt like something was a little off, but I ignored it, and got back to the task at hand. I put the coffee in the maker and began making her Frittata, her favorite meal. I knew that it would take some time to cook, and I needed to fit in my morning yoga. So, after putting the Frittata in the oven, I laid my yoga mat out and got down to discovering my inner peace.”

“I began with my normal stretches and poses, but decided that today I needed to be a tad more adventurous, so as I began to get into the king pigeon pose, I heard a loud SNAP and felt my glasses crumble beneath me. I happen to be a blind as a bat, so I knew this was going to be a rough morning. I tried to get back in the groove of yoga and peace finding. Turns out I was very unsuccessful, due to the sound of my coffee pot shattering on the floor, followed by a stranger's screams of pain. I jumped up knowing I needed to help whoever this poor person was.

Now I know you've all heard that I said, "Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an English man". What you may not know is, we giants have a wonderfully strong sense of smell, so when Jack (the strange intruder)tripped and fell in my kitchen, he skinned his knee. Of course, I could smell it, so as a father, and social activist, I was naturally concerned, and wanted to make sure he was okay, and do my civil duty to help.

As I mentioned previously, I was in the middle doing yoga, and I was in quite an odd and tricky position, (King’s Pigeon position). I had quite a difficult time peeling myself off of the ground to get up, to go help him, and being an older man, I may have let out a groan or two, but I never once, threatened to turn his bones to bread! That was all part of Jack's misconception and preposterous, outlandish untruth.

When I got out of the King’s Pigeon position, I began to dig through the junk drawer in search of band-aids and some Neosporin. When I found them, I knew I needed to find this little guy and get him all fixed up. I began to run towards the smell of blood, and you know, because I smashed my glasses, I couldn't see, so I was just running and feeling the counter blindly. I may have accidentally knocked over the knives and a few other things in the process, and I understand how it may have looked. But, I was most definitely NOT chasing him, I promise, I was just trying to help.

However, instead of just letting me help him, that hooligan screamed and viciously attacked me with one of my own fork. WHY ON EARTH WOULD HE attack ME? I was just trying to help him, and he goes and hits my hand with a fork. I almost threw up from the pain, and I may have yelled loudly, scaring Jack in the process.

All the commotion woke my wife, and you don’t want to wake the Mrs. after a long night shift. I could tell that it had upset her greatly, because she was calling me Tobias rather than Toby.

The Mrs. Shouted “Tobias Littleton, I don’t know what you are doing, but I have had it! I am seconds away from leaving you and moving in with my mother!” she said storming into the kitchen. Her timing was terrible, because when she walked in, I was holding the kitchen fork, I had pulled from my hand “TOBIAS!! What in the world are you doing? How dare you try and kill this poor little man, what on earth did he do to you?” (she said scoping Jack up into her hands.)

I was flabbergasted, wait a minute, it was him…” I then realized it didn’t make me look good, so I took in three very deep breaths and started again.

“Honey, my love, he stabbed me. I found him injured, while breaking into our home, I was in the middle of my yoga, you know how I am, and I was just trying make sure he was okay”. For a moment, I had her attention, and she set him down and proceeded to scold me. She had all her focus on me, she didn’t notice what Jack was up to. I could see from the corner of my eye, that Jack, this trickster, and now menace was trying to get away with my goose!

Being my wife’s favorite goose, I knew I had to get her back, so I began to chase after him. In hindsight now, I can see where this only led to more issues. For example, I was running after Jack and Florence, the goose, and in turn, my wife was running after me. I knew that Florence would be scared, since we had just recently rescued her from certain death last Christmas. I knew that it was imperative to catch her as fast as I could. To my dismay, I felt my hip beginning to hurt, slowing me down, my pain was a moot point, and I had to push through it.

By the time I reached the Beanstalk, that little hooligan was no longer in sight. I knew I had no choice but to follow him down. So, I did what any good, loving, and brave husband would do for the love of his life. I jumped onto the beanstalk, with no regard for my own well being or safety, regardless of my injuries and began my decent to where he had taken my sweet Florence. It wasn’t until I had descended over halfway down that I realized what he was doing. Can you guess you what that ungrateful hooligan was doing? He was using MY ax to chop down MY Beanstalk, carrying MY goose!

How unfair is that?! I mean, I didn't even have my glasses, so I had to take it as slowly as possible, because you know what kind of damage a fall like that could do to my artificial hip? I got almost to the bottom of the stalk when there was a loud CRACK, and the stalk fell hard. Of course, I landed with the most painful of thuds, right on my bad hip. Even if I wanted to get up and chase after Jack, I couldn’t. I laid there paralyzed in pain, both physically and emotionally. Soon after, I begin to cry over the loss of my bird and the pain of the fall, and the distress that had interrupted my peaceful day. I didn’t move a muscle, and in approximately five minutes, the cops arrived. Jack grabbed poor Florence and booked it for the forest, and as for me I was hauled off to jail. You will never guess WHO called the police on me, go ahead, guess?! Go ahead and try because I couldn’t believe it myself. I know you are never going guess, it’s unfathomable …. My wife… My own wife called the police and had me arrested.

So that is the unbelievably true story of how I was falsely accused of assault.

The moral of the story...being a nice guy, with good intentions, doesn't amount to a hill of beans if truth is an option.

On the bright side, I now run a very successful yoga class here at the Jail, so if you are ever in the area again, stop in and vibe.