the message I sent to my ex

... Please give me the respect to read this entire message when u have enough free time to take it in. Don’t skip over parts and don’t be reading it like you think like your better than me, or have done little wrong and that I’m the one exaggerating. Please know that I am beyond serious with everything I say and that I have never been this emotionally unstable before in my life. I want to let you know the way I’m feeling because you are the only person I still ever care about. Even though I know I shouldn’t be sending you this because it’s not really your issue anymore, but I need to. 

For the life of me I can’t stop thinking about the way we used to be. The things you would say to me to make me feel like the only and the most beautiful girl in the world. Those endlessly long messages that you would send me. Which frankly had me shocked and speechless. You were so insecure about your education and literacy level... yet you wrote these amazing messages.

The day you proposed to me, the way we would talk about our future, getting married, having kids. I thought it was forever. Now I dont want to try in anything in life. I don't see the point. Im not happy. Im not motivated. I can honestly say I’ve hit rock bottom and have lost complete hope in everything and anything.

Love is dead. Love is a lie. Love doesn’t last for shit!

If something that I thought would last forever, and was such pure love, can fail and crumble how it did, into nothing, I don’t have trust in anything. Same as with you. If someone who was everything I wanted can turn out to be everything I don’t, then what’s the point in moving on to smething that will show me the same consequence. You aren’t perfect, neither am I and neither was our relationship. But it was love and I know we both felt it and knew what we had. It was special. Fate brought us together at a time when we both needed someone.

Now, I feel like I’ve lost all direction. I just have this constant feeling of emptiness all day everyday. You used to fill that emptiness. I somewhat hate it. I don’t want to give you that credit but you know how much you filled me with love. I hope I did the same for you.

I don’t doubt at all you are struggling, because I know you are. But you have turned into a very selfish, horrible and arrogant person, which I know you are sick of me saying, but that’s what kills me the most. You aren’t the person I fell in love with. Its crazy to me how situations can not only change a person, but change the way they treat people. As much as you don’t think so, you don’t and won’t ever treat me the way you used to. Now I have to accept that and also accept that you don’t want to be with me.

I can’t control you, see what you do, or stop who you chose to spend your time with. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I’m mourning the person you used to be, because he’s gone. I felt protected with the old you, I wanted you by my side all the damn time. I don’t think I could get sick of you. Funny how one sided things were.

Now I just sit in my dark room at night, feeling dead inside, cold, listening to sad songs about love, and crying for hours until my eyes are swollen shut, my pillow is drenched and I am numb with heartache. I have done this every single night since I saw you last. I feel paralysed and like I’m not even here. It doesn’t even feel like real life because my entire head is flashing with memories of us, everything to do with you. I don’t know what it is about you that I can’t erase. You live in my head, I see your face, I try to hear your voice and smell your smell.

I’ve been thinking about the night we met a lot. If I knew then and there that something that I didn’t even think much of would end coming to an end like this I can’t say I would want to be with you. But then I wouldn’t want it any other way because you have showed me what it feels like to love and be loved by someone. I know I have showed you the same. I don’t feel loved by my family at the moment and you filled that emptiness like nothing else could. Our first year together was the best year of my life. But now I’m haunted by the ghost of you now. Your gone but still within me and I know I can’t be with you.

The love I have for you has never left my heart once even after all the hurt you’ve brought me. 

A part of me hates you, but most of me needs you...