Humans logo

The Merlot Magic Baby!

by Yona Vaughan 3 months ago in humor

by Yona Vaughan

In a dimly lit corner at a trendy new jazz club called "The Castle," both Lance and Gwen were enjoying the music and each other’s company on their first date. “I’m so glad you suggested this place Lance. I love the music and the atmosphere” said Gwen with a bright smile on her pretty face. “I’m so glad you’re enjoying The Castle Gwen, and that you said yes when I finally asked you out. I was afraid you were more into Arthur than you were into me.” said a relieved Lance. “Oh no Lance. He’s just a guy I have to work with. I’m so glad you got up the courage to ask me out. I heard you were pretty courageous” she said. “I try to be Gwen. I also like trying new things and heard that this place serves a magical Merlot. Would you like to try some?” said Lance with enthusiastic hope in his eyes. “I’d love some Lance” she said. “Great! Excuse me waiter. Can we please have a bottle of your magical Merlot for the table?” he said.

You're in for a treat.

A moment later a skinny excited waiter appeared. “You may certainly have a bottle of merlot sir! You’re in for a treat. Our Merlot is pure magic. Like it literally is made by magic from our wine master. I’ll get him to bring you some” he said. “That’s great! Thank you!" said Lance.

Did you hear that Gwen? They use real magic to make the wine. I’m excited. Aren’t you?” he said. “Yes! That sounds awesome!” said Gwen with a smile. “I’m having such a good time with you Lance. You are such a nice guy and easy on the eyes too” she said. “Me easy on the eyes?! Look at yourself Gwen! You’re gorgeous! I can’t believe you haven't been snatched up yet” he said. “Oh thank you Lance! I’ve had suitors in the past. But sometimes things just don’t work out. Or there’s no chemistry or magic between two people” she said. “I agree Gwen. The magic is either there or it’s not. And it's definitely not something you can force. I feel like we have a little magic between us. Do you feel the same?” said Lance. “I do feel the magic between us Lance” said Gwen as she leaned in to kiss him.

I do feel the magic between us Lance.

Just then a loud popping sound and a poof of smoke materialized. Out of the smoke appeared an old man with a long-pointed hat, a waiter’s uniform, and an extremely long beard that whipped in between Gwen and Lance’s attempted kiss. “I can feel the magic between you Gwen, because it’s me girrrrllll!” said the old man. “Oh no! Merlin?! What are you doing here?!” shouted a surprised Gwen. “Yes, it’s me Gwen baby! I’m here to serve you both some of Merlin’s Magical Merlot. Are you ready for my liquid? Hahaha!” laughed Merlin with a toothy smile barely noticeable through his thick white beard.

I can feel the magic between you

“You know this crazy guy Gwen?” asked Lance. “Unfortunately, I do Lance. Merlin and I used to date a long time ago. He was a jerk back then too” she said. “Jerk?!” said a surprised Merlin. “The only jerking going on back then, was you jerking my magic wand baby. Hahaha!” laughed Merlin as he gyrated his hips. Even Lance laughed at Merlin’s comment and pelvic thrusts.

Merlin laughed as he gyrated his hips.

“Are you drunk Merlin?! You sound like you’ve been sampling your own magic potions” said Gwen. “Hahaha! Sampling my own magic potions?! That’s a good one Gwen! You know you miss sampling my magic potion” said Merlin. “Hey buddy! We’re on a date here. Can you please be professional and stop hitting on Gwen? She’s obviously moved on to bigger and better things” said Lance. “Oh, I’m sorry man. Forgive my crassness. It’s all love man. I can understand you wanting to use your Lance, a lot, on this tasty treat. Hahaha! I won’t cockblock you” said a genuinely sorry Merlin. “Now are you two ready to have a glass of Merlin’s Magical Merlot? It’s guaranteed to spice up your night. I’ve had some on a couple of dates and it works. Wink! Wink! Lance!” he said as he winked at Lance. “I don’t know if we should drink it Lance. I mean, I’m pretty sure he used his Merlot on the Lady in Lake who he cheated on me with. You’ll make bad decisions if you drink it” said Gwen.

“Merlin?! You bagged the Lady in the Lake?!” asked a shocked Lance. “She’s super-hot! I’m impressed old man!” he said. “Thank you Lance! And for the record Gwen, I didn’t need Magical Merlot to take a dip with the Lady in the Lake. She’s always wet and ready if you know what I mean. Hahaha!” laughed Merlin as he nudged Lance with his elbow and Lance laughed too.

You bagged the Lady in the Lake?!

“That’s not funny you two! I was extremely hurt when I found out that Merlin rubbed against the scales of that pond mermaid bitch. But I’m glad you did Merlin, because you set me free to be with other men who truly appreciate me” said Gwen as she looked at Lance. “Truly appreciate you huh?! Why don’t you tell Lance about how before I sampled the depths of the Lady in Lake, I caught you riding Arthur’s Excalibur sword!” said Merlin with a smirk on his face.

That's not funny you two!

“Gwen?! Is this true?! You told me that you two just worked together” asked a surprised Lance. “I’m sorry Lance. It was a one-time thing and I told him it was over back then. We still have to work together unfortunately. And Merlin?! You said you forgave me for that and would never bring it up” she said. “Well, you’re over here acting like you’re innocent and it was all my fault Gwen. When I saw how big Arthur’s sword was, I knew I could never compete with that. And that you were forever ruined toward my magic wand” explained a teary-eyed Merlin.

I knew I could never compete with that.

“Is Arthur really packing that much sword Gwen?! I mean, I heard Excalibur was powerful. But sounds like it’s true” asked Lance. “Lance, please don’t concern yourself with Arthur. We all have a past and I’m sure you’ve Lanced a lot of women. I’ve heard the rumors” smiled Gwen.

“You hear that Lance?!” shouted Merlin. “Arthur’s powerful steel messed her up so bad that she’s trying to find the next guy to satisfy her insatiable appetite. She’s medieval! Hahaha!” laughed Merlin. “Are you trying to slut shame me Merlin?! What if I like a man with a big sword? There’s nothing wrong with that” said an angry Gwen. “Hahaha! The truth comes out Lance! Are you up for the challenge big boy? Or do you need some of Merlin’s Magical Merlot to help you slay the dragon?” laughed Merlin. “You know what Gwen, I think I’m gonna call it a night” said Lance. “This is all too heavy for a first date. And I’m pretty sure I can’t measure up to Arthur’s Excalibur” he said. “Really Lance?! But I like you and want to see where this could go” said Gwen. “Maybe some time in the future Gwen. I’ll call you” he said.

“Oh man you know what that means Gwen? He’s probably not going to call. Hahaha!” laughed Merlin. “Hey Lance! What are you doing later around 8 o’clock? Because the Lady in the Lake and I are going night fishing and she’s bringing her sister. I could use a good wing man” he said. “Really Merlin?! I’m not up to anything later but possibly joining you buddy. Has her sister met Arthur though?” asked Lance. “Well, both her and the Lake Lady have met Arthur, but didn’t mess with him because the lakes are shallow, if you get my drift. Hahaha!” laughed Merlin. “Okay, sounds good Merlin. I’ll swing back here around 8 o’clock and we can leave together. Have a good night Gwen” said Lance as he walked off.

Have a good night Gwen.

“Are you kidding me?! You’re really going to leave?!” said Gwen. But it was too late. Lance had already walked off and Merlin stood there for a moment by the table. “Would you still like some Merlot Milady?!” said Merlin. “I should get you fired for what you just did Merlin. But screw it. Fill my glass you jerk!” she angrily said.

Fill my glass you jerk!

Merlin filled her glass with the magical Merlot and then walked away giggling. Gwen took a sip, felt a little funny, then reached for her phone to make a call. “Hey Arthur! What are you doing right now? Nothing? Oh good. Would you be up for a little sword play tonight? It’s been too long since I last played with Excalibur” she said. “Yes?! Okay, great Arthur! I’ll be right over. And no, I’m not interested in Lance. Really, I’m not. Besides, I heard he was messing around with the Lady in the Lake’s sister.”

I'll be right over.

The End

humor
Yona Vaughan
Yona Vaughan
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Yona Vaughan
See all posts by Yona Vaughan

Find us on socal media

Miscellaneous links