The Last Fish

The kids were getting scared. I would see them standing in corners at holidays whispering amongst themselves looking at me. They are trying to figure out who is going to fall on the sword to take care of me. They don’t know it will never get that far. Adele, my best friend, and I have decided if either of us is terminal, we will pull a Thelma and Louise. We are going out west this summer to pick out our cliff.

The daughter is the elected one to try one more time to get me passed off to someone else. Yes, sports fans, he caught the long pass on the one-yard line and is starting downfield. What a catch, what hands, look at him go. Will he drop the ball, will he score, and will he make it to the super bowl? She said, Mom, why don’t you try online dating? Why would I want to do that, I asked sweetly. She said, Mom, you would have so much fun traveling with a companion. And wouldn’t you like someone to watch all those old movies with you? And imagine if he loved the music of Led Zeppelin, you would be in hog heaven. Just give it a try, Mom; you don’t have to meet up with him unless he passes all your checkpoints.

This brings me to this dating site, Plenty of Fish, how profound. Being raised as a good little Baptist girl, I know if you teach a person to fish they will never be hungry again, something like that.

I filled out my profile, I wasn’t too serious as I didn’t want or need a man in my life anyhow. I had been alone a long time. Sure who doesn’t want some warm feet on a cold night but electric blankets and cats are much less trouble in the long run.

I wrote I want a man who is funny as Jeff Foxworthy, brave as Batman, dances like Fred Astaire, can cook like Justin Wilson, and fix anything like Tim Allen on Tool Time. And posted my best hair combed, lipstick on, eyebrows plucked picture and for good measure my I voted button on my lapel.

Then I waited. I could see that people were checking me out but no one stepped up to the plate yet. Smart men as you must be very brave to tread this path. I should have posted, All who enter here, abandon all hope…

The first message I got was: I want a nice easy ride and plenty of kisses.

Wow, I thought, what a winner. I have been missing out on some deep-thinking men.

I pondered my best reply for this uber weasel and wrote back: Buy a Cadillac and get a dog. For some reason, I never heard back from him.

Daughter calls, Mom, you got any messages yet? I said, a few, my Darling, but I am waiting for the big catfish my Granddaddy told me about. She says, Mom, be flexible and open-minded and don’t expect perfection. Well, love, I am just expecting them to still be breathing at this point. She laughed and hung up.

The next day I got a message from someone named Mercy. What kind of name is this? Was his Mama begging for Mercy when he was born and they decided to call him that? I always play the names out in my mind, I pretend I am in the throes of passion and scream out his name. Oh Mercy, Mercy, Mercy would work. Don’t laugh as you don’t want to scream just anyone’s name at that time. I mean what if their name was Skillet. Oh Skillet, Skillet, Skillet, see what I mean?

Anyhow Mercy wrote that he was a widower and he loved old movies and Led Zeppelin. He said he could cook beans and bacon and was pretty good with a hammer. He said he still knew how to twist and Batman was his favorite comic book when he was a kid. He didn’t tell me a joke but he did make me smile.

He said to write back if I was interested and we would see what happens.

So after pondering my reply I wrote back: What is your favorite Led Zeppelin song?

He wrote back: Tangerine.

Oh My God, this is the one. The one I have waited all my life for, the twin flames, the soul mate, the lover I have had through all my past lives.

I wrote back: You want to meet at the crossroads of 8th and Main? If we like what we see we can go have tea or if not we can drive on by.

He wrote back: I want to meet you at Mambo Sun, that new place down on East 38th Street? Do you know where it is? I saw a review of it on the news feed today, I answered. How about Thursday night at 8:00 and wear your dancing shoes. I was shocked and delighted at the same time. Yes, Mercy, that’s good for me. We exchanged our telephone numbers in case we got tied up. I felt kinda faint when it was over as I haven’t had a date in 27 years.

I mean I go out with friends all the time but on a date. Oh my God, I have nothing to wear and what do I talk about? What if he is a toad, what if he thinks I am a toad? What if the kids will never see me again except a part of my body they find in the river, the birthmark on my back that looks like a horse head. I need to take a picture of that for comparison just in case.

I called my daughter the next morning. Guess what I got a bite, I laughed. Tell me all about it Mom.

Well he is a widower and he likes all the things I do but he didn’t tell me a joke. And we have a date Thursday night at Mambo Sun. That might be the joke part.

Oh, Mom, this is so exciting. I need you to take me shopping. All my clothes are older than you, I replied.

After spending the next day walking all over the mall I was found to be worthy of going to the ball. The daughter got me something called Spanx, she said it would smooth things out and make me look streamlined. I said what about when I take it off do things explode back out into lumps and bumps. The daughter rolled eyes at me.

I admit I was a wee bit nervous as the day approached. I am no spring chicken anymore and what does a sitting hen know about dating etiquette these days. I called Ella my 16-year-old granddaughter. Ella, Nanah has a date for the first time in 27 years. Could you tell me what I am supposed to say and do? Ella laughs, why do all my children laugh at me? She said, Nanah, you are lots of fun and funny. Just talk to him like you do all my friends, just be yourself.

I scoff when we hang up as how does one know who one’s self is when yourself has been talking to cats and herself for years.

The Spanx was a problem. As it was this shrunk-up little ball of stretchy stuff. I called Daughter, Ok, how does one get this on her body? First of all, make sure you are completely dry, and then sprinkle baby powder all over your body. She said lay on bed Mom and roll it up to your body like you do pantyhose. Remember when you used to lay on the bed and zip your tight jeans? Same concept but roll… And Mom put that on around 6:00 so you have plenty of time to work with it. I thought sheesh, I hope he looks like Clark Gable for all this trouble. It was not an easy task but one must preserve to meet one’s destiny.

By 7:30 I am ready. I am spanxed, powered, fluffed, stuffed, and plucked like a Peking duck. This is it Darkwing, time to get dangerous. I drive to Mambo Sun. The daughter said I had to text her every 15 minutes with the code word Good. If I send Bad she will call the police. I figured I can handle 15 minutes of torture before I scream. I mean it will take at least that long to get the Spanx off me.

I pretend I am strolling like a walkway model into the door, whilst in effect, I might have stumbled on the threshold in my slippers. I said I am with the Mercy party. The young girl looked me over and said, oh yes Madam come with me. She walked me through the main part of the restaurant. It was a classy place. With linen tablecloths and crystal glasses and velvet tufted chairs. Lots of green plants and soft Latin music playing in the background.

She took me off to a small alcove and seated me. She said Mister Mercy will be right with you.

He comes strolling over in a few minutes. He has on a blue-black suit with a bright white shirt and a lovely ocean-colored tie. He is dark-haired and very handsome. Not exactly Clark Gable but close enough. He reaches out to take my hand and kisses it. I am honored you came to have dinner with me.

I might have giggled like a little girl. I don’t even know where that came from.

Mercy said I hope you like wine? I said yes, that would be lovely.

I would like for you to try a favorite of mine, a Merlot, from the north coast of California, called Mohave Rain. Wine is like fine women made from the most interesting blends of colors and flavors.

This one has plums like the color of your dress. Some raspberries, black cherries, and chocolate and usually aged in oak barrels.

A most delicate blending of light and dark. Try it, tell me what you think.

I take a small sip, it was very good. He said, a toast? “The first kiss and the first glass of wine are the best.” –Marty Rubin

Who is that, I asked? He is a philosopher and happiness freak. I believe in happiness.

Merlot in French means The Little Blackbird. How do you know so much about wine, I asked? Oh, my parents had a wine cellar and they loved to pick up bottles in their travels. They enjoyed a glass of wine with dinner and they would tell me little tidbits about the wine they were drinking that night.

Now, what would you like to eat or may I order for you? The food was Cuban and most delicious. After dinner, he asked if I would like to dance? As that was one of my requirements. He asked me, do you Mambo? I laughed and said if you lead I will follow.

Mercy was intelligent, witty, and a great dancer. I think he had me with first cha cha cha. He walked me to my car and asked if I wanted him to ride with me and he could call Lyft for a ride back. No, I am fine, and I thank you for being the perfect gentlemen tonight. He kissed my hand and said it was my pleasure, my Lady.

I cut the Spanx off my body when I got home. I never want to have to go through that again in my lifetime.

I just lay on my bed in my granny gown and remembered all the fun I had with Mercy.

I don’t know if he will ever call me but I was glad I had gone on a date with him.

We were all seated around the table that Thanksgiving. I like for everyone to say what they are thankful for before we eat. When it got to me I said I am thankful for my Grandaddy. Everyone looked over at me questionably. I said Granddaddy always told me if I hold my mouth just right and concentrate I would catch Big Daddy catfish. I pucker my lips and kiss Mercy. And the kids applauded.