The Journal of Unforgettable Adventures

2 March - Tuesday

I found this small black notebook in the old writing desk last night. It had no name inscribed, and appears to be devoid of either writing or pictures. As I like its smooth cover, I kept it. I reckon I can use it to remember my adventures and entertain the crew when we’re wishing for warmer beds and ports in storms. I was immediately inspired to commit to its pages one of my most intriguing tales.

Many years ago, I stumbled upon a fortune on a mysterious and mythical island. This is the tale that follows:

Upon landing on this rumored island, I went to explore the beach — the rest of the crew being apparently absorbed by the reading of a sermon. I was fairly certain it was a facade for the enjoyment of various substances, to be imbibed as soon as I had left. I appreciated it, as it afforded me the opportunity to go it alone.

While I was walking, I stubbed my toe against something hard and very pointy. I will admit that I let out a manly shriek before I turned my gaze upon it. It seemed to be what one can only describe as a treasure chest. I was delighted to find it above ground, as these types of things usually are not. The latch was stuck so I poked around in the sand for something to unlock it. Finding none, as I was on the beach, and not in a tool shed, I proceeded to smash a barnacled shell against it. I called for the first mate to help, but evidently they were either too drunk or couldn’t hear above the noise of the crashing waves.

When I turned back to the box, I gave one last smash of despair, and the lid sprang open, and several dollar bills began fluttering about. All told, it looked to be about $20,000 worth. I began filling my pockets before I realized there were more bills than I had pockets, and the box would be a nice thing to have, too. I pulled my sword from its scabbard to fashion a sort of wagon using the rope around my waist and a few nearby pieces of driftwood. I tugged my makeshift sled toward the waves, and was just beginning to wonder if the thing (box) would float, when the strangest thing happened.

I heard a roar, (from an animal, not me) and a shout (definitely from me) and then I suddenly found myself pursued by an animal who appeared to be aflame. I ran as fast as the sled would allow, and when it quickly fell apart, I had a terrible choice to make. My life, sans fortune, or an almost certain fiery death atop my greatest discovery yet? It was a tough call, but eventually I made the obvious choice and stood my ground. No fiery creature would take what I had rightfully stolen mere moments ago! I would not stand for it. The creature came to a halt as soon as I stopped shouting, and then we stood there, staring at one another in surprise.

“Hello,” I said in a friendly tone. “I’m just walking here, you see, I found this lovely treasure chest, and I intend to take it back to my ship.” I helpfully pointed out my ship in the distance.

She grimaced, and I swore I heard the English words, “The treasure is mine!”

“Ah,” I said, understanding dawning. “Then you must be a dragon! You wouldn’t, by chance be interested in coming aboard my ship would you? Then we could both have the treasure! You to guard it, I to use when needed. You could protect us, too, if you wanted. What is your name?”

Receiving no answer, but a twitching eye, I hurried on, “No matter, it’s probably one that I couldn’t pronounce anyway…hmmm” I thought for a moment. “Well, how does Maude sound?”

She gave me a very annoyed look. “What?” I demanded. “It’s a great name. You don’t like it?”

She hissed in disapproval. “Don’t you have a wooooooodennn boat? I. Breeeeeathe. Fffffire,” and so saying, she did indeed demonstrate with a large flame bursting out of her frankly enormous nostrils.

I was impressed, and then offended. “It is a ship, not a boat,” I said, in my haughtiest tone.

Maude had the nerve to roll her eyes. “Return. My. Money,” she demanded.

“No.” I turned, and attempted to leave with it, forgetting, of course, that the sled had broke, which is what had caused this misunderstanding in the first place. Realizing I needed to maintain the upper hand here, I said, “The choice is yours. You either come with me, in addition to the treasure, or I take the treasure alone.”

With roar and a huff, she brought her foot down upon the box, long talons clutching the lid and rendering it immobile.
“Now, now,” I said, deciding in an instant that the best way to handle this show of dominance would be to appear unaffected. “That is quite enough of that. Why do you insist on guarding all this money anyway?”

My show of nonchalance did nothing to improve my budding friendship with Maude. She initiated a staring contest that seemed to go on for a quarter of a century or so, before she snapped out of her revery, and stamped her feet.

“I. Need. Itttttt”, she breathed hotly.

“I think we’ve quite firmly established by now that you don’t.” I said resolutely. “No, this treasure is infinitely better suited for those of the human-variety. Me, for instance.”

“But what about the cursssssse?” she inquired.

“Curse?”

“Yesssss. Only I can possessssss thissss treassssure because of the curssssse.”

“What?” I was instantly on my guard. “That seems awfully suspicious.”

“It. Issss. True!” She demanded, and released a fountain of flame into the air. Sparks showered down around us, briefly lighting one of the sled’s driftwood runners on fire.

“Now see what you’ve done!” I exclaimed, aghast.

“Now sssssee why your sssssolution fails,” she retorted.

“But can’t dragons fly?” I asked, determined not to be swayed. “Maybe you could fly after the ship and guard from up there!”

“Maybeeeee I like this island,” she said in a snotty tone, that I felt was pretty unfair.

I felt we were getting off track here, so I returned to the subject at hand. “Tell me about the curse. Maybe I can free you from it!”

“Do not think ssssssso highlyyyy of yoursssself. I am curssssssed, the treasssssure is curssssed, the whole island is curssssssed. I cannot leave. There isssss only one perssssson who can break the ssssspell. He is my captive.”

I suffered quite a shock upon hearing there was a captive involved. My head was spinning, and I didn’t even think curse was a word anymore. I saw the light.

“I know how to help you!” I exclaimed joyously. “Take me to your captive.”

She gave me an incredulous look, but I tried not to let it hurt my feelings. “I ssssssuppose you’ll need my wings then?” she asked in a haughty voice.

Immediately I realized my mistake. “Oh kind-hearted dragon who guards this treasure—” Before I could finish, she was rolling her eyes and crouching low on the earth, or sand, rather. Her wings descended so that I may have enough room to climb aboard. Without saying another word, she rose quietly into the air without so much as a hiss.

I’ll admit, I was deeply impressed. “Well, I say!” I said. “This is a rather marvelous way to travel uphill!” I lapsed into silence upon noting the craggy cliff edge we were fast approaching.

“Please don’t say that we are going up there”, I said, pointing toward a peak near the edge of the atmosphere. I heard a ‘humph’ from the head-end of Maude but no further replies were forthcoming.

In no time at all, we had ascended the summit and I found myself on solid terra firma again. “Well that was quick” I remarked, ready to get down to business. “Where is this captive you speak of?”

With an impatience I frankly didn’t deserve, she pointed her right wing near the mouth of a cave. “Inssssssside”, she hissed quietly.

I went in. The cave was dark, but a tiny light seemed to be shining within. “Hello?” I called out gamely. The cave itself seemed to answer me. “Yeeeeessssssss?” A deep voice boomed.

“Er, yes, well. There seems to be some confusion of the bureaucratic sort.” I said, thinking I could clear this up in a jiffy and be off with my treasure before my crew even knew I wasn’t on the beach anymore.

The tiny light grew and as it grew, I began to see the figure of a man coming towards me. I blinked in surprise as he towered larger and larger, until I nearly dwarfed him by half. What I mean to say is, he looked to be almost twice my size. I waved valiantly up at him.

He leaned down to my level and whispered, “Why have you come? What is it you want? And, least importantly…Who are you?”

“Well,” I said, putting on a brave face. “I am here on behalf of a client. The client has a curse, and says you’re the only one who can break it.”

“What’sssss all thissssss?” asked the dragon who had just entered both the cave, and the conversation.

“We’re just negotiating.” said I, a trifle smugly.

“Negotiating?” asked the caveman and the dragon simultaneously.

“Yes”, I said, noting the distinct lack of gratitude. “It means working things out and solving the problem. Which is what I am attempting to do right now. Or rather was until you came in. Right now, I am attempting to explain what the word negotiating means, but you take my meaning.”

I felt, rather than saw, them both roll their eyes. I moved briskly on. “Right, well, let’s get on with it, shall we? You were saying?” I addressed the huge shadowy figure again.

“One question.” He thundered. “I ask that you leave this cave immediately, never to return.”

“Yes, understood, and what’s the question?”

“That IS the question.”

“Oh! Oh, are you sure? That wasn’t very good, was it? Could you maybe repeat it in more of a typical question format first, before I go?”

“GOOOOOO!!”

I had no further inquires. Fairly soon after, I found myself tripping down the mountainside lightly, headed back to the ship with empty pockets. I realized belatedly that I had forgotten my new hat, but decided the dragon could keep it as a souvenir of a job well done.

An hour later, I was back on the beach. I saw that the box of dollar bills had mysterious vanished — until I remembered the great talons crashing down atop it, and realized Maude could have easily carried it with us in flight.

I squelched dejectedly back to my vessel, which was a farther away than I remembered. I could hear the crew’s raucous laughter from across the dunes, and I thought glumly of telling them of my misfortune, as I sloshed through the ocean. When I had been sloshing for a bit, the ship appeared to be farther away. “She’s going out on the tide!” I screeched, and then screeched again. The main characteristic of the ocean had suddenly became the current characteristic of the inside of my boots. I pulled off one and dumped the gallons of water back into the ocean. I limped mournfully on, toward the boat, boots sopping wet, ocean sopping wet, and devoid of fame or fortune.

Just as I got within yelling distance of the ship again, I saw my firstmate leaning over the rail with a life preserver in hand. He laughed and tossed me the preserver, which was tied to a rope. “Come on!” he yelled. “You’ll never believe what we just found on the beach!”