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The Internal War

How This War Is More Intense Than Any Other I've Ever Faced

By Don Anderson IIPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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Some days and nights are tougher than others

After I got the news about Sofia and Ellen, I was devastated. We ended up hanging out at our mutual friend's place and a good friend of mine. Peter wanted me to come with him to get some food for our friends. We went to Wendy's, I was barely hungry so I just got a drink and some french fries with our orders and since it was a big order, we had to wait in the parking lot. I told Peter about how I was having feelings for Sofia and how I was holding up with the news, then he told me that he was having feelings for her too.

I was a little surprised that he had feelings for Sofia but he was doing a lot better with the news than I was. When we got our food, I ate my fries but I didn't want to be around a lot of people since everyone was so happy about the relationship between Sofia and Ellen. I was happy for them, believe it or not, I just wasn't happy for me because of how everything played out. I went home and went straight to bed.

After the play's run, we had a little bit of school left before summer started and of course, everyone except me and another friend of mine were either happy for the couple or they were just chill about it. Normally, I would hang out with everyone when I was done with classes for the day but since the news, I hated being around everyone so after Spanish class from 9 AM to 9:50 AM and a philosophy class at 11 AM to 11:50 AM, I went straight home.

I ended up taking up longboarding which would help since I love going fast and listening to music to keep me company. I had the song, "Phenomenal" by Eminem to hype me up. Sometimes I'd wipe out but it was nothing serious, then I'd end up stopping since I would have thoughts of Sofia and Ellen together. Whenever I wasn't longboarding or going to school, I was at home watching Netflix, going to work, doing some homework whenever I had any, or napping and even at that point, sleep wasn't my best friend.

When I finished school, that's when I realized the internal war was just beginning. I didn't do ANYTHING during the summer except for more Netflix and go to work but one thing I did do whenever I wasn't doing that was hang out with someone who understood how I was feeling, Peter. His mom was okay with me coming over as long as I didn't bring anyone she's never seen but knowing how I was, I didn't want to bring anyone with me anyway.

Hanging out with Peter was so therapeutic. I stayed there for a while and the only time I left was to prepare for work, when I was needed at home for something, or when Peter had something important to do. It was almost like a fortress for me to hide from myself but I knew I always had to go back out there to fight again.

One day during the summer, I was longboarding home from work and I wanted a challenge so I went downhill. I was killing it for a bit until I was getting hit with thoughts of me trying to date Sofia along with her and Ellen together. I hit a pile of small rocks and got thrown from my longboard, I landed on my feet but I was still going downhill. I ran a little but I fell down and hit my arms first along with my legs, hands, and head. I Didn't go to the hospital or anything since it wasn't serious but I did have a rough night trying to rest.

Life went on about a year later and even though Peter was feeling the same way I was he was holding up better than I was, he found his happy ending. I, however, was still stuck at home and going to work but I still had some school left. I didn't go back that time since I was busy trying to recover after a tough summer and I wasn't ready to be around a lot of people.

I was making dinner one night and my uncle calls me, "Hey, Don, guess what!" I'm usually annoyed by my uncle and his "guess what" games but I bit anyway, "What?" "I'm about to be a best man at a wedding," said my uncle. "Ok...," I said. "You'll never believe who's getting married though." "Who?" I asked. "This part isn't good for you. It's Sofia," Said my uncle. I didn't care that she was getting married, all I cared about was getting better so I can finish school.

Another year passes by and I find myself in a dark place, I knew I changed. I noticed I didn't talk much anymore, my eyes spoke more than my mouth, I listened to music more than I usually do, and even my style changed. I wore more red, blue, and black than any other color. Then, I was noticing that people weren't caring when I was telling some people about how I felt about it and that I would fall deeper into the dark place whenever I saw two women kissing. It started when Atomic Blonde was coming out and in one of the trailers I watched, Charlize Theron and Sofia Boutella were kissing each other and triggered something in me almost like I go from normal to a quiet mess.

I discovered that I have depression along the way and it was a tough thing to accept. I was telling a few more people about it but I was getting less good answers with it like, "Why are you still sad about her," "You act like you were going to marry her," and "Be positive." Stuff like that was making it harder for me because it was like they were expecting me to fuck the pain away but I'm not that kind of guy.

Then, I came across a song that would kind of wrap me in a blanket whenever I had a trigger, "I Hate You, I Love You" by Gnash and Olivia O'Brien. It still is but I don't listen to it as much anymore. During those triggers, I started writing lyrics more and I haven't gotten back to it but I plan to. The internal war still goes on for me. Not many people know that but that's because I don't trust a lot of people with that kind of stuff about me. Plus it's even harder to imagine that a gal would want to date a guy who's on edge after something like that. I was told that no one understands how something like what I went through can really change a guy and sadly, they're right.

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About the Creator

Don Anderson II

Movies, memoirs, music lover, graduate of community college, and university

Quiet writer but I'm sure my stories from years ago are still of interest

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