The Insignificant Other

"I love you, you know, that right?"

I couldn't answer that question honestly, so I didn't answer at all, but he wouldn't let it go.

"I said I love you and you're just going to sit there and look at me like I haven't said anything? Are you serious?"

Fact is, I was. He knew it. The only reason he was telling me that he loved me was because once again, he messed up. Normally he would only tell me he loved me when we were... well you know, but since I had cut him off, he really wasn't saying it now. He tried to convince me that what I'd witnessed was nothing. I, on the other hand, knew better. I saw the way he looked at her. It was the way he used to look at me. The look that said, "She means so much to me." Over time, that look in his eyes, the one he'd had for me had faded and when he looked at me it was more like a "Why am I still here?" That hurt, but I stayed because all I wanted was to be loved. To feel loved. I didn't think that was too much to ask. Apparently, I was wrong.

There was a time when we did everything together. We laughed. We cried. We talked. I mean really talked. That had died long ago too. Today was February 14. We were supposed to be in love, supposed to be enjoying each other's company. Instead I felt small and alone. Like I would rather be anywhere but with him, he was sucking the air out from around me and I couldn't breathe. I loved him so much he had that effect on me. Instead of feeling like a giant, his love made me feel small and feeble. Unsure. I hated this feeling. Yet, it seemed he or no one else understood.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You want to be with her don't you?" I was tired of bush beating. I knew that's where he wanted to be.

"If that's where I wanted to be, I'd be there. So, stop. Not today. Not right now. What you saw was nothing."

There it was again. What I saw was nothing. I was ready to snap. So I did.

"How the hell can you sit here and tell me that my seeing you in the bed, in my bed with her was nothing? Watching you move in and out of her, was nothing. I know ecstasy when I see it. She took you there. So much so that you didn't even notice I was in the room until fifteen minutes after you came" He had lost his mind.

"You're paranoid. It wasn't like that. She seduced me."

"You are a grown ass man. She didn't seduce you. She didn't force you. You could have said no and put her out. You could have thought of me and put her out. I should have been enough motivation for you to get your ass up and put her the fuck out but no, you let her stay and you fucked her... no wait I take that back.... that's what we do... you made love to her. In our bed. The bed we share. Gently...and slow. and I...fucking...hate...you.. She never should have been in our home in the first place but she was, because you brought her there."

I had to get away. I Had to leave. I stood to leave. He grabbed my hand. I snatched it away. His touch was too hot, it was repulsive. "Do not touch me again!" I wanted to slap him, but I knew better. I was no fool. So, I dropped my hands to my sides. He stood and walked toward me, grabbed my hand. I tried to pull away again, but he wouldn't let me go.

"Damn it Anyssa. I just told you that I love you. I want you to be my wife." He pulled a small box out of his pocket and dropped down on one knee, "Will you marry me?" I was caught off guard. “Anyssa, did you hear me? I know I’ve made you feel like I don’t love you anymore but that is far from true, I’ve always loved you. I will always love you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever pictured spending my life with. Will you be my wife?”

I stood there for a long time. It felt like time had stopped. I felt trapped. I felt sick. Then my head cleared, and I realized that this may be my only chance to be married so with much apprehension I told him yes.

“Yes. I’ll Marry you Noel.”

He stood up, picked me up and spun me around like he was the happiest man in the world and I let him. This moment was supposed to feel good. I was supposed to be happy. So why wasn’t I? What would my mama say if she was still alive? I’m sure she would try to convince me that I’d deserved better. She had always told me that I was the prize. I remember her telling me before she died that all she’d ever wanted was to see me happy and to remember that I never had to settle.

Of all of the successes I had experienced in my life, love had never been one of them. Every relationship I had been in, I had been cheated on. That must mean there was something about me that a man just couldn’t love. The problem was I couldn’t figure out what that thing was. I cooked, I cleaned, I worked, I gave my all to these men. Yet, they couldn’t be faithful. Maybe I should ask him why he felt like cheating was the right thing to do but I was tired of arguing and I had gotten the ring. That was the goal after all, get the ring, have the wedding, become the wife, have the children and live happily ever after. Only, I wasn’t sure if I could live happily ever after if I wasn’t even happy now. Maybe it was too late for that now. All I knew was that I had just agreed to be his insignificant other for the rest of my life.