The Inner me

My favorite time is just in the moments before waking. There, we hover, in limbo. There is no worry, no pain, no fear, no regret, no guilt...just utter peace. in the moments following is my most dreaded time. Just as the dawn slowly breaks and the world hoes from a blanket of darness to utter light, so too my conceousness goes from peace to one of utter dread. At first the warmth of sleep and the bliss of oblivian is prelaces with the realization of what awits me, what sleep has given me a brief repreive from. The demon. Some have a demon that lives just outside their reach, that they, if they move swift enough, can outrun. But mine lives within me. Deep inside, burried, in a cassem no one can reach. There it awaits. I had thought it gone, dead, for some time now as tihad become so quiet, so still. Not even a rumble, a soft growl, to let me know it was still there. Still waiting, still angry.

I locked the demon away so many years ago. Hid away the key, and placed ever vigilant gaurds at its door. The emon must not get loose. I knew if it did, it would kill me, and it would ravage in its path anyone near me. It would crush, rip, make me bleed, destroy with its fury. The terror the demon makes me feel is without words. How did the demon come under lock and key if so powerful, you say? I tricked it. Long ago, when it was young, and not nearly so powerful. I soothed it with words, crooned, sang it a lullabuy. And as it lay smiling, sleeping, I carried it to its prison and there locked it away. As I placed it down gently and stood over it, that last time, it looked so peaceful, so harmless. That for an instant I second guessed my decision. But then I remembered my fear, the day I looked at it and it looked back at me with a gleam in its eyes I had never seen before. There, I saw a glimpse, a fleeting moment, of what it would become, and I went cold with fear. I saw in that moment the destruction, the evil, the pain ti would bring when it was fully formed. Now, here in its infancy, it was not yet apparent, except to me, and i knew then what I must do.

I waited outside the locked door, until the demon awakened. At first a flutter, a smile and then as it came fulluy awake, I saw confussion, then betrayal, then anger. When its eyes locked with mine, I knowe I had been right to lock it away. For there I saw hate, pure inadulterated hate, for me! The demon lunged, but its shackles held it fast and it could not reach the door. Then it started to growl, at first low and deep, but stronger, until at last it opened its mouth and let rip from its gut a howl that vibrated though my very being. Spittle flying from its mouith as it thrashed, its eyes burning, burning into me. And I ran....

I have not visitied that door since that day. And I have done my best to live my life, moving fast enough to forget it is there. But there have been times, when the howl is so loud, that ai can feel the vibrations and wonder if those around me can feel them too? But the demon has been silent after the last mad howl 2 1/2 years ago. I worked hard to pad the door outside its cell and i could no longer hear it, no longer feel it. I thouth, at last, after all this time, my demon has passed away. Could I hope to be free? Could I at last live without fear? But then the tetter came. And somehow the demon knew. What I had misinterpreted as silence was planning. The demon was awake, alive, and in it's prison it had festered, becoming stronger, more cunning, more evil.

Now I wake and as the awareness returns, so does the sound. What sound? My demon scratching, clawing, weakening its bonds. Growling deep and low. That terrifies me now more than the howl, because I know...when it becomes free, I will pay. Yes not IF, because I know now my time is limited. I know it will soon be free. We are still so connected, that I KNOW it will get free this time. And when at last it claws free from its bonds, shatters its door to the prison, and comes for me, I will not be strong enough to fight it. But then I know that. All those years ago, when I locked it away, I knew that when it was fully grown, it would be too strong for me. That I was not match for it. And when it finds me at last, it will take it's sweet time with me. It will savor my pain, lick it up as if it wore food. It will burn me, peel my skin from me, watch me bleed. And as I am writhing in agony it will smile, eyes gleaming with joy. I wil pray for death, release, but it will not be granted quickly. It will first take all that I am, all that I love, and all that would be, and only then, when my soul is gone and only my husk remains, will it release me. Letting me at last fade away and die. And no one will be left to mourn me.