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The Girl You Date Before You Get a Girlfriend

by Ayanna Colon 4 years ago in dating

The Four Times I Was the Test Dummy

As of late I have been journaling hard, and I have always had a journal since I was 10 years old. When I look back into things I've written about mainly in high school, I always seem to have these entries about whatever guy broke my heart and then a week later had a girlfriend. Now at 23 I feel like I look at younger me and I am just baffled that I thought my love life was completely over because I was the girl before the girlfriend. Now if you are nothing like me and never been in this position go you, but if you know exactly what I am describing then continue reading. I remember about 4 guys I dated that I will describe with letters/nicknames as to not expose who they are(although I am 100% sure they won't be reading this).

1. "P"

"P" and I had worked together at this fancy fast food place, and he actually interviewed me and I got the job the next day. As I think back on it now, I figure they were looking for people anyway and I totally was overly eager to get a job. I was a senior in high school, and I liked having my own money and I could always lie and say I was working to hang out later. I totally cannot remember how things started because as I would later find out he was in a 5 year relationship with my other supervisor (I will just write "she" to describe her). As we flirted constantly I would take advantage of that to get better shifts, and get my check a day early but also I really began to like him. He was older, lived on his own, and he was sweet to me. After a few months of "dating" and trying to keep it a secret, everyone at the job had knew. I didn't care because unlike everyone working there I had my own life with my school friends and I didn't know about the "don't sh*t where you eat" rule. So now everyone knows, everyone but this girl. She was a really sweet girl and I, thinking they were broken up would listen and advise her on how to get over him, because he was mine. Thinking about it now I see how much he used me to eventually go back to her. He would tell me how "crazy" she was, and all the "stalker" like things she did, and I ate it up. But it never created a biased between me and her because she was really cool and nice and we actually were very much alike. Probably should've known that by our taste in men. So fast forward to the day she finds out. I can't remember all the details, but to sum it up someone told her and we were closing. "P" of course didn't work that day and I was stuck having to explain for both of us. She cried and kept asking me if it was true and I remember denying it. She had thought about all the times he said he was busy, and I would be right next to him knowing he was responding to her but feeling even more happy he was denying her. He was a very sensitive guy and the "drama" (he created) would eventually become too much. The next day, we all sat down in this restaurant to have the conversation. I wanted to melt into the sh*tty carpet and die. I told her what was going on and that I didn't know she was "the ex" he was talking about because he never said her name. As we all worked together supposedly there were rules against dating other co-workers. He barely said anything through this conversation and it had been decided that him and I would continue seeing each other secretly and she would have no idea for the time remaining. That lasted for about a week and a half when she comes in wearing one of his shirts. Her and I had spoken after "the talk" and I told her I wouldn't see him anymore so we continued being cool (slightly), and we mainly bonded over talking sh*t about "P." She comes in with the shirt beaming and glowing, she comes over to tell me about how they've worked everything out and blah blah. I could barely hear her over the ringing in my head, I was devastated. He became the better man for her. I couldn't understand and text him immediately. The string of text in response were basically saying, "I've been with her for 6 years, she's older, I know her family, and I am getting back with her because it only makes sense." I cursed him out of course and left it at that. He never returned to the job, he quit and decided he need a "life change." They probably stayed together a couple of months before he moved to California and had his first child with another woman, his best friend who was also according to his Facebook his "soulmate". She was devastated of course and I helped her pick up the pieces because I was young and dating so my heart was broken but easily mended by enough Beyonce' and Adele. Her and I didn't remain friends after I left that job, but I feel we both were the girls before the girlfriend. Well in this case wife. "P" is now married, 3 kids, and seems happy. I deleted him not too long ago from my Facebook. Not because it made me sad, but because I didn't care to know. So the tale of "P" ended and I almost felt relief when I would walk into work. I hope if he learned anything from me, it was to be honest.

2. The tale of "W" & "O"

"W" and I had went to high school together and we became friends immediately. He was so cool and funny to me and he was crushing, probably cause I was the first girl to be nice to the new kid, but I found it cute. My group of friends at the time made fun of me for liking him, and at this point in my life their opinions mattered most. I would totally dodge him during the school day even though I would be texting him in between classes to meet me in the hallways. Time went on and I didn't make a move. I couldn't have my friends thinking I wasn't cool, and I didn't want to stop flirting and seeing him either. Now that I think about it my "friends" were the uncool ones and I wouldn't learn that until about 2 years later. I played both sides till the end and at this time twitter was hot and instagram was new. I met "O" on 14th street in the square. At this time, everyone cool from Tumblr and Twitter would go hang out there after school. It was like a meet and greet with your favorite artist. I met him through a friend I had and I at the time was trying to be a marketing assistant for this little company we were trying to build. Him being a rapper I thought perfect way to introduce myself and do "my job." We flirted slightly until his girlfriend also introduced herself. I can't remember how we got to the point of seeing each other but I would travel an extra hour after school to sneak into his house before his mom would come home. I would bring him food, listen to his raps, and try to be "the down ass chick." I totally was not about that life, I now know I need more than what I was settling for then. In the day time I would have "W" in school and after school I would go see "O." This is the day having it all really came crashing down. I posted a photo of "W" on my instagram with the heart emoji as a caption, of course "O" saw this and we were on the phone later that night he was pissed. I removed the photo immediately and posted him instead and I will never forget what he said after the 2nd time he hung up on me (and I called back of course), "You know I was just about to ask you to be my girlfriend but now thats a dub!" I was mortified.

The next day "W" saw me and he said, "I saw that you took my photo down to post that other guy, be with him then. I'm done." Crushed. "O" got back with the girlfriend I had met him with, and "W" moved on too. I was so angry. I didn't even get one of them, and I knew I wanted "W" more but I knew my friends would accept "O." I had let their opinions spoil something with someone I truly liked for someone who was just a bullshitter. I of course went back to "O" when he called me to hang out shortly after that. I will never forget him making me travel to Canarsie, Brooklyn. If you're not from New York, Canarsie is pretty much the middle of nowhere in Brooklyn. Only 1 bus, 1 train to get to humanity its dreadful. I traveled to see him and he left me because "the girlfriend" was coming to beat me up. "W" had stuck to his guns and I wouldn't reconnect with him for another year and a half. I remember looking at this BOY and thinking so low of myself. I must be terrible if I could be treated like this. Thinking about it now, I was perfect he was just a boy. And I was just the girl before the girlfriend. I haven't seen "O" in years but I know he's doing well for himself. "W" and I recently hung out for like an hour, he's doing great as well, and we actually couldn't remember why we stopped being cool. I have no advice for them as I have deleted both of them from my social media platforms, I just hope they treated those girls better than they treated me.

3. "Ghost"

This story is such a long one that I can only tell less than 1/4 of what happened. "Ghost" was the love of my life, so I thought at the time. We met through mutual friends and it was an instant love story. Full on the notebook, my friend actually recalls to me the time we ran towards each other just as Allie and Noah did. So sad. But he was extremely jealous. I was cheating every day he couldn't trust that I was completely devoted to him. As the relationship deteriorated we still tried to hold on. I had to scroll through Facebook Messenger to see the toxic messages we'd exchange. I read them now and cannot believe I let him drive me so crazy. We were broken up but still writing that we loved each other. How? My parents divorced when I was 1 and I never saw them together, and to my knowledge it never affected how I thought of men. I suffered mental abuse and I dished it out too. I knew that this wasn't how this should feel when you loved someone, but I was too blind to know that. Robert Frost said, "Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." Mr. Frost was right. I was so vain that I thought the obsessive behavior meant love. I would be hanging with my aunt and sister smoking and joking and if I didn't respond to a message I was obviously cheating. "Ghost" and I finally split. Something I won't speak of sealed the deal and we would never be together. Then less than a week after the final royal rumble, he was with someone else. Someone he loved. How did I know this you're thinking? I was that ex girlfriend who stalked, asked all the mutual friends and I was texting him every day to just speak to me. I would show him through my words that this was love! We had to be together because we were in love. As my actions became creepy to my own self, I threatened this girl to the point that we actually had a physical fight. Now for the readers that don't know me I am in no way a fighter, with words I will cut you deep with hands not so much. A year after the drama and mess, we caught up with each other as we shared mutual friends. I still had this flutter in my stomach when I saw him and I couldn't tell you if he felt the same. By this time though I had found my current boyfriend and the flutter wasn't like when you see your crush, it was almost an angry flutter(if those exist). But he was just "Ghost" the same guy, still with the boxer girl and I truly didn't care. I knew that this relationship we shared was what we both needed to find who we truly wanted to have in a partner and what we wanted ourselves to be in a relationship. The girl before the girlfriend in this story sometimes remembers the pain, but she also knows that she did the right thing. They now share a child, something he always wanted and they seem happy. I actually don't know as I have neither on any social media handles, but I still would wish him the best, and slightly thank him for teaching me what love isn't.

4. "The Narcissist"

Women mature faster than men. This scientifically proven fact. Which is why it only makes sense that we gravitate towards older guys. I was out of high school, working, living life as an "adult" and I met "The Narcissist" in a clothing store. My friend had dragged me with her and, we started exchanging glances as he moved closer, we had small talk and exchanged numbers. Throughout this thing we were doing, I won't call it dating I always compared him to Kanye West. Not 2018 Kanye. MBDTF Kanye. I liked that he was so sure of himself, how he viewed the world and where he wanted to go. I was 19 and he was 28/29 I can't remember honestly. I would travel to see him after work late nights, sleep over, we'd watch Chapelle show and he showed me really interesting movies from the 80's. The first time and last time I've seen KIDS was with him (I was traumatized but I loved it). He was cultured, and I wanted to be one of those I like art type girls. Soon enough though the same reason I liked him was the same reason I almost couldn't stand him. As time went on I noticed he was super particular, if we were to meet at 8pm it had to be 8pm. 8:05 was unacceptable. He hated that I wore weave in my hair and told me it was a deal breaker for him. I stood by, wearing my natural hair here and there. Don't get me wrong, I love my hair and I have a lot of it I just also liked switching it up. I still do to this day. The routine became me coming over at like midnight and leaving by noon. We spent time but we didn't spend time. When you date anyone you always show the representative first, then you peel back the layers as time goes on. We didn't do that until we became friends years later. I thought I knew him so well, and I didn't. As I've gotten older I know that also had to do with the fact that I didn't know myself. I would complain to my friends, describing how he was so Kanye and they didn't get at all why I would want to keep talking to him. That was an easy answer I wanted to be Kim. I wanted to be his equal, and I wanted to be molded by this narcissistic guy so that I could be on his arm while people fawned. But that wasn't me. The first fight we had was because I was angry at him for always judging me and I spewed curses and hateful messages at him. I didn't understand why he had to critique me for not calling him right away, not having my makeup done when we would Facetime, more importantly why he didn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet. He didn't respond well and immediately dismissed me. Arguing through text was not his thing. Millennial me lived for a good text back and forth, read receipts just became a thing and I was on read for weeks. We eventually patched things up and back into the routine we fell. "The Narcissist" despite being a Narcissist taught me a lot about relationships, and some things I still apply to my current relationship. Mainly about honesty, and protecting your own peace before trying to give someone what you didn't have. He had been engaged before and had experienced what it meant to truly be in love. Maybe given all his experience in the relationship department drew me towards him more, maybe I just wanted to have that story myself. Words meant everything to him and at 19 I didn't understand what that meant. I grew to love him though, we had fights all the time and we'd find our way back to each other. I believe he loved me too. I can't remember what the straw was that broke the camel's back but we remained somewhat friends, checking in every now and then. We truly cared about each other's well being we just were on two different speeds, and that was fine. He found some he truly loved. We would meet and have quick lunches from time to time, and it was nice. Throughout the years of knowing him some things that I was completely annoyed by while we were seeing each other I grew to understand. I faintly remember us having a conversation years later about if I still loved him and vice versa. "I never say things I don't mean," he'd said. I no longer did either. "The Narcissist" unlike any of these men in these stories, will always have a place in my heart for being a teacher, a friend, a lover, and a narcissist. Me being the girl before the girlfriend in this story actually didn't break my heart because I knew that the woman he'd chosen was for him. I've never met her, and I know nothing about her besides the fact that she is BEAUTIFUL (like no seriously guys Gorge!). I also know he found true happiness. I wish them, and the family they're building nothing but the best. Which if I know him, is the only thing he'll settle for.


About the author

Ayanna Colon

Brooklyn, New York. 23. Creative. Leader. Mermaid on the weekends.

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