The Fumbles on Bumble

If you know me, you know I love online dating. I think it’s amazing. You can be as shallow or superficial as you want, but so is everyone else! I think I’ve probably been on every dating site possible, but I usually stick to Raya, Bumble, and on occasion, Tinder. And every time I start swiping, I realize that men don’t really have great profiles.

Every guy I’ve gone on a date with or dated in Los Angeles has been from a dating site, with the exception of three guys. That’s a pretty good statistic if you think about it. And, my closest friends have all met their significant others on Bumble or Tinder. So, don’t knock it til you try it.

A friend of mine is on a dating site, and I came across his profile. And all I could think was how terrible it was. So, I sent him a screenshot of his first picture, which was a group picture, and asked, "Why?" He said that he liked the picture. You may like it for Instagram, but that group picture is not doing you any favors with online dating.

So, after looking at shitty profiles for over an hour last night, I decided to come up with an “online dating profile how-to.” This is going to be the down-and-dirty, asshole version. Because, let’s be honest—Girls aren’t that nice, especially online. So, here we go.

The first things someone see on an online dating profile is your first picture, your name, your age, and your occupation. It’s pretty basic, and hard to mess up. WRONG. Having the wrong profile picture will royally screw up your chances with the ladies. Your first picture should show your face. Shocker, right? And by face, I do not mean wearing fucking sunglasses (don’t even bother if you're wearing sunglasses in every picture). Ideally, the shot will be from your belly button up. And, the picture should be RECENT. If you wanna start with a funny picture, it better be really fucking funny. Otherwise, we’ll swipe left. And no car pictures, especially if you’re not in the driver seat (insert "No Scrubs"). Now, here is where Asshole Allison comes out to play. If you decide to post a group shot anywhere in the profile, and you are not the tallest guy in the picture, don’t post it. :)

So, after you have a bomb first picture, now come the other four. Pressure is on. My suggestion for all profiles is to have a really great face picture, a funny picture, a picture doing something cool, a picture with an animal, and maybe a picture with a baby. But, if there are no random babies around, another funny picture will do. I’m just being honest here; we love animals and babies. So post it! And please, let’s limit the shirtless selfies. Only one will suffice.

This is my real profile. Yes, I know there are no puppies or babies. But, my two favorite things are shown... pizza and booze.

Then we have the “About Me.” This isn’t make-it-or-break-it for a lot of women. If you look hot in your pictures, you’ll probably get a message, regardless of what your profile says. Your "About Me" section should be clever, but not pompous. Tell us a couple things that you like, maybe where you’re from, and your height. I can’t stress this enough! This is what I’ve discovered… Men under 5’11 no longer put their height on their profiles. Maybe guys think they’re going to have this amazing online chemistry with a stranger, and she won’t care about height… She will. We always do.

And finally, the first message. On Bumble, women have to initiate the conversation. On every other site, it’s either person. The first message should have something to do with one of her pictures, or something written in her profile, but don’t be corny. The funnier you are, the better your chances. Be original. In a city of beautiful people, originality is your best bet. Things that don’t work: dick pics, being mean, dick pics, being mean, and, oh yeah… dick pics.

Lastly, fellas—If you see her Instagram handle on her profile, it is NOT there so you can slide into her DM’s. Let’s think it about it, shall we? If we didn’t match on the dating site, why on Earth would you think I would respond to your DM on Instagram, especially when you have a private profile?

If you’re looking for anything from a date to a wife, I truly believe online dating is a really good tool.

I hope this helps, and if it didn’t… I hope it made you laugh. Because, let’s be honest, a lot of the profiles out there are ridiculous.

Xoxo

Allison