The Forgotten Friend

I’m used to being left behind. It’s kind of common for me. I don’t know if people are just afraid to talk about my limitations or walk around eggshells when it comes to accessibility. I wish I knew why. I wish someone would tell me why I’m often left out and not included.

My wife and I tend to do everything together, to the point where we even share friends. We do our own thing, but we also like to include each other when it’s group outings and not a one on one thing. There’s many times where she’ll get the invite and/or friends of ours, and I’m just… left. A lot of people tend to think my wife and I are a package deal because she’s more able bodied and social than I am so she tends to be my voice. However, when people decide to extend an invite, they tend to just invite my wife and not me because she’s so much more social. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be included places, most of the time, it’s me wishing the places were more accessible or people would help make it so. Too many people don’t want to make the extra effort to include me so they just don’t. There’s times that they don’t invite my wife either because it means potentially leaving me out so might as well leave us both out instead of figuring things out with us. My wife and I have systems for going out so what May seems frustrating to others, we can get done easily. I can move my own wheelchair if I need to and use tools to calm myself down if I absolutely need to. However it’s much better to have some help. Communication is key here but no one seems to want to take that step.

I’m honestly shocked when someone says, I’ll sit with you here or offers to push my wheelchair. There’s even times where I’ll say oh no I’ve got it just because I’m fighting the feeling of being a burden. It’s hard to ask for help when you’re met with silence for so long. It’s hard not to feel like a burden when you’re made to feel like one, even when people don’t actively mean it.

Working with therapy and medications, Im finding ways to help myself emotionally and when I get overwhelmed. I’m getting out again with my wife and have even expressed Interest in getting out more with my loved ones… but it’s met with a lot of empty promises. Sometimes I just want to eat pizza with a good friend and watch movies but I guess it’s not stimulating enough for some of my able friends. I want to get out more but wonder if they worry too much about worry itself… will they be too caught up in my care to enjoy themselves? I'd love to be invited, even if the circumstances don't quite work out. To be thought of as more than just a passing thought or just an attachment or growth of my wife. I want to be seen as a valid, actual human and not just a piece of someone. I know that my worth should never be dependent on other people, but we all need a sense of community and friendship.

I wish more friends of mine asked questions instead of making assumptions. Even when I had a fundraiser to get a wheelchair, I hoped people would talk to me about it and ask any questions about it, as there's always assumptions made. I wish people would just be honest about why they won't even share it because the honesty would hurt a lot less than ignoring someone. It's hard in a world of social media where you can see who has looked at things and not responded to feel connected.

At the end of the day, I am grateful for those who do look out for me and my needs, and make sure that I'm accessible and safe. In the end, it's the quality of the friendship, rather than the quantity.