The Fishbowl

Imagine. The feeling of pure adrenaline coursing through your veins as you walk into staffroom for lunch, only to lock eyes on a lingering regret. I lost my appetite. Him? I should’ve expected it; things had been going well, too well. We call the staffroom the ‘fishbowl’ because all the students on their lunch break can see in but pretend we don’t exist and as long as they keep down, we extend them the same courtesy. Much like a child’s pet goldfish. Luckily, fate placed me on the other side of a window and apparently the awkwardness emanating from me was yet to be noticed. I promptly returned from whence I came.

I stumbled from the hall and burst into the foyer in search of Amelia, “Amelia!” I hissed, she was already walking out of her classroom towards me. “I’m about to die and I don’t know what to do!” my anxious body language and bright red complexion could only provide so much context for this disaster of my own creation. A ghost with unfinished business. Her shocked, but inquisitive expression asked for more information. I struggled to find the words, “Well, when I moved back to the city after my country posting, uh, there was a lot more choice on, uh, “I stammered over my words. I was out to Amelia, but I was still getting used to talking about my personal life, particularly exploits of the sexual variety. A bead of sweat ran down the side of my head and I forced myself to continue, “There was a lot more choice on Grindr and I, uh, made up for the lack of choice. Perhaps a bit too gratuitously.” A nervous chuckle finished my confession.

Amelia’s look changed to one I couldn’t read. A grin? Why? She grabbed my wrist and dragged me back into the fishbowl. That’s why? She walked over to the wall of windows opposite to the entrance. “Who?” she demanded, looking in the direction of the administration building. I pointed, subtly, between the gaggle of year ten girls and the pubescent boys vying for a scrap of attention, at the young man wearing black jeans and a yellow jumper. There stood Sam, the guy I ghosted for no reason except the hustle. Amelia turned back to me, her face still unreadable, “Nice…,” she said, “What did you do?” her tone accusatory.

“Nothing…” I replied, “Which is the problem.”

“Idiot. He seems nice.” She accused

“He was. Is. I just… it was a promiscuous time in my life. I didn’t want to be tied down.” I used the cliché on purpose to diffuse the interrogation.

“What are you two doing?” whispered Alex, and we snapped back to the fishbowl. Horrified that someone else now knew of situation.

“There’s no need to shout!” I squealed.

“Calm down,” Alex reassured me, “you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I have!”

“What did you do?” Alex asked and Amelia was too happy to spill the tea and I turned a brighter shade of red.

All three of us peered out of the fishbowl. Observing. He was faced away from us talking to the Duty Teacher when one of the year ten boys got what he was craving by spraying his water bottle over the group of girls, causing a meltdown and drawing Sam’s attention in my direction. My soul left my body and it ragdolled to the floor involuntarily. Amelia and Alex looked down at me, laughing hysterically.

“Is he still looking?” I asked,

“Yeah,” answered Alex, “he’s talking to Maggie now.”

My heartrate was beginning to stabilise. I took a deep breath and peeled myself off the floor, while Alex held her sides and Amelia wiped away her tears. This was a side of me they hadn’t seen before and I was glad to show it to them, provided it remained on the other side of the window.

“Ben… Ben. BEN!” said Amelia, her tone suddenly urgent.

“What?” I replied casually wiping away the debris from the floor that had stuck to my jacket.

“Maggie’s walking with him this way.”

“And?”

“He’s following her into the foyer!” she exclaimed

“I think she’s invited him in.” Alex added.

“You cannot be serious!” I said in utter disbelief.

“She is!” we all said together.

No escape. I raced to my desk and pretended to look busy. Act cool.

“Hi Everyone, this is Sam. He’s here to observe a few students. Please, make him welcome.”

We locked eyes. We both smiled. We Reconnected