The Fine Art of Social Hibernation
Make a splash on every scene while warmly snug with your hot toddie.
Not everyone wants to go outside this holiday season, this article is for you.
What if you found yourself with the worst case of seasonal allergies? What if your love life was turning into a torrential soap opera and you just needed to escape into your fortress of solitude? What if you're so done with 2017 and anything below 65 degrees was not worth going outside for? Whatever the reason, the introversion within you has won and all social fabulousness has been relegated to 2018.
What about your friends? What about your family? At this point you're convinced they're better off without your company with the cold shoulders and thick hints that they're annoyed with your emotional dramas, but not all of them. Some will have nothing to do with the fray and will try innocently to invite you to their evenings of excitement. Some are not as innocent in their elaborate ploys to steal your socks just to suck on your toes. Old time friends who know you best keep their distance with a caring phone call. Old colleagues that are in town for just a few days entice you with their whirlwind, while getting Facebook drunk with a Brit has you studio calling a local Irishman who's thankfully just as unavailable as you really are. The thriving social life of the metropolis of Los Angeles through the eyes of a socially hibernating real live California grizzly bear.
Instead of a gloomy, truncated tirade on Twitter blanting the rise of one intrepid anti-socialist, I deactivated my Facebook account for a whole 3 minutes. The nature of my isolationism was more complex than initially conceived. Floods of messages pour in.
"Where are you?"
"What are you up to?"
"I'm out of town," is often my favorite goto response. It comes in handy considering that I don't really know anyone who lives in my town.
"Where are you out of town?"
"My on site studio."
"My den of delusion.."
"When will you be back in town?"
"Never!" As I unfriend you for having never liked you in the first place! Never as I sever the flack off the sticky silt of my life! Never as I couldn't imagine myself seeing or being around anyone during this terrible cold. I'm a bear! I will never be back! Not until spring... Never do I actually share any of this, like this, because I truly do value my encounters with other people. When you care about other people, you consider the language patterns to which they speak and convey your message more clearly through their tongue. When you want people to care about you, speak as yourself, and never say never.
Elusivity is the key to a successful social hibernation. People should get the feeling that seeking you specifically should be akin to tugging on a sleeping bear. To avoid such a terrifying idea, to even reach the idea of you there should be a labyrinth of tunnels set up that cleverly just lead people to other people so that you are bypassed entirely but the thought of including you, which is also desired, still led to a positive social outcome for everybody. This involves a few minutes of your time on social media cross linking events and thought provoking posts. Just like that, you're part of all the social dialogue but instead of hopping into someone else's Uber and waking up passed out by the side of a building, you're on your ridiculously comfortable Orthopedic mattress under your thick blankets watching Katya Kan's "Ubercock."
Nobody wants to hear about how sick you are or how your face exploded into acne again. Maybe your real friends will laugh/cry with you but sometimes they are worlds away and you have to adult on your own. Just be indisposed, post those travel pics you haven't gotten around to sharing and hang one of those self edited, "See you in 2018," pictures on your main page.
Then just be free. Focus on any loose ends. Take this time to slough off any unneccessary aspects of yourself as you sip on a hot toddie with your fuzzy socks on. Then, pick the most suitable New Year's idea and give all of life a fresh spin.