As I'm driving down the freeway, I start to feel my eyes weigh heavy. I start to swerve left and right, and within minutes, I realize I am falling asleep at the wheel.
I text the closest person that I can think of. He responds relatively quickly, which is a surprise since he usually is the world's shittiest texter. He invites me to stay the night and I happily accept, not that I have much choice anyhow.
I arrive, he welcomes me in, and I follow him to his room.
I don't know why, but when he started to pick up his clothes and boxers off of the floor, he got 10 times more attractive to me. I was too exhausted to initiate anything, however.
We sat on his couch and spoke for a little bit. He was so close to me without touching me. I wanted him to touch me, but I was so tired and loopy. I didn't want to complicate our relationship.
I remember his shorts. There's something about guys in gym shorts that turns me on. I don't know why it just does. I had never seen his legs before and he had the perfect amount of hair. He also didn't have his glasses on which was a new look. I was able to stare into his beautiful brown eyes. I wanted to take my hand and brush the inside of his thigh and have him moan in pleasure. But at the same time, I wanted something more meaningful than that.
I just wanted to fall into his arms and have him hold me until I fell asleep. I wish I slept with him—that intimacy. I wish that I could go back to that moment and gain more energy. No guy has ever been that sweet before.
I wasn't sure if he invited me over because he's just that good of a person or because he thought that I would put out. Either way, I was grateful and my feelings for him grew exponentially. I remember the way that he smelled too. Everything about him was perfect.
Knowing that I would have crashed without him intervening made him even more attractive. I can't explain that night. My feelings, everything in my bones, I felt my soul go into him. I felt his warmth and every ounce of him envelop me.
The night passes and morning comes. When he comes downstairs I go to leave and it felt like a relationship was already established. I wanted to kiss him goodbye, but I knew that one kiss would change everything forever.
I decide to just leave, and when I arrive back home, it feels different. I feel like I need him and I ache to go back to him. He is a complex man, nerdy and sweet and charming all at once. Everything in me tells me that he would be good for me emotionally and physically.
Feeling like whoever loves you just gets hurt. Feeling like you are not deserving of love. Feeling like anyone close to you just ends up in pain. I don't want to cause pain. I don't want to hurt anyone. So I make a decision.
Taking months, isolating myself, pushing everyone away, and not responding to texts/messages. After a while people start to forget you. They forget your smile, your laugh, and the way that they feel towards you. Everything about your connection starts to fade.
Having the world fade around you and seeing who is still there is comforting because whoever is left, you will have for life. I, unfortunately, have not impacted anyone's life significantly enough for them to reach out or still be there, not truly.
I feel a hole inside of me. Dying internally, feeling everything about me fade into nothing. I keep having the same dream about reliving that night. Us touching, kissing him, and possibly having sex with him. I keep trying to go back and change that night, but I can't. I'm stuck on an infinite loop with no way to contact him.
I take a handful of sleeping pills and start to slip away. Once my eyes are closed, I can feel myself reaching out for him. Every time that I try and touch him, I'm jolted back to my home. Then I just try and lie down and fall asleep, only to find I can't reach him. Now I truly am stuck on an infinite loop...