The Experienced Widow

Three things I've learned as a result of being widowed twice in my life once at 27 and the second time at 73.

1. Life goes on and although you have wonderful memories which you should cherish, you have to learn to live in the present.

2. Be grateful for having had a partner who appreciated you and tried to make you happy. If you are alone and don't like being alone, find someone who can make you happy again.

3. You will compare - there is no way to avoid that but also look for those things that are good in a new relationship even though those new things will be different.

Life Goes On - at 27 years old with two children under the age of five, I was thrown upon myself in the early '70s. It was bad enough that I was widowed at that age but it was also a time of tremendous upheaval. The '70s brought the Viet Nam War to a crisis, Nixon was impeached, and feminism was on the rise. Everything was upside down for me. As a post-Victorian baby boomer who was used to wearing feminine clothes, women's clothes looked like men's clothes and I felt awkward and unsure of myself. Mary Tyler Moore had her TV show about living on her own as a woman and she made it look good.

After my first husband died, I knew I had to change my life and if I didn't do it then I'd probably never do it. So, I left my small town in upper New York State and moved to Canada to start a new life. It was scary and there were many days that I wanted to run back to the familiar but I held on after telling myself that I would give it 5 years and if I didn't make it work, I'd go back to my home town.

It was in the second year of my new life in Canada that I met my soon-to-be second husband who was also a widow. He had one child and I had the two girls so we became a blended family. Not easy to blend two families as it is wrought with emotional challenges and differences in how to run a household and discipline children but the marriage lasted for 43 years. I thought that was it for me in terms of men in my life when he died.

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Be Grateful for Having a Partner - my first marriage lasted 9 years and it was a young couple's marriage with innocence and perhaps a lack of awareness. My second marriage lasted 43 years with a wonderful man who was intelligent, kind, compassionate and loved to travel. We had a very nice life even though we had to work hard to have family issues not divide us. But since 18 I had been a married person minus the 3 years between marriages so I needed to find someone to share my life with even if at this time it didn't mean marriage. I didn't like being alone.

You Will Compare - Since life goes on and as I had two good marriages, I decided to sign up for Match and do some 'companion' shopping to see if anyone could fit some of my requirements. I didn't want a divorced man so I eliminated anyone who was divorced. I wanted an educated man as my second husband was a scientist who had a Renaissance-Man approach to life. I wanted someone who enjoyed travel as I had been a world-wide traveler with my second husband, and I also wanted someone who is thoughtful and kind.

Well, I ended up with a twice-divorced man who could only do cruises due to a mobility issue and sometimes he was blunt to others as opposed to being kind.

I had to let go of my need to compare him with the first two husbands although he was closer to the first husband than the second. See I can't stop comparing! I had to adjust to being on a cruise rather than go to a country and create a journey as we went along. Mind you, the cruises were top-of-the-line so I soon learned to enjoy being spoiled on these cruises.

Although a smart man in his own way, he lacked the sophistication that my second husband had so I had to learn to adjust to a limited range of topics and to simple movies rather than complex ones.

Now the good thing that a new partner brought to me was sexuality. I thought that part of my life was over and now with this new partner who loved sexuality, hugging and kissing, I really began to enjoy my body again at my age.

We also baked and cooked together and that was fun to look for new recipes. We both enjoyed going to concerts and musicals and finding new and interesting things to do together. I began to appreciate these new gifts of his contribution to my life.

At 74 I can honestly say life goes on. I want to live in the present although I will continue to cherish my past. I am grateful for the gift of companionship and that I will continue to look for those things in a new partner that bring me joy.

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