The Destructive Love
A Letter to My First Love Who Broke My Heart
I remember seeing you out of the corner of my eye. As soon as I laid eyes on you, I was already craving something I had no idea I needed. You looked back at me and I felt my whole world come together as one and it was so beautiful. It’s kind of crazy how I imagined my future with you just by looking in your eyes. I had it all planned out. We would live in a beautiful house overlooking the city and it’ll have a huge backyard for all of our dogs. I was in heaven.
You came up to me and we started talking. The way you talked sounded like wind pushing against the ocean, creating waves of tremendous beauty. When you talked so passionately about the things you loved and enjoyed, it was the best thing ever seeing those beautiful eyes glow brighter than the sun. When you spoke each word it was like a building block, the word “because” was a window, the word “and” was the roof, and the word “hi” created a door that was wide open, just for me. As I entered the building, it came crumbling down but I didn't want to notice because if I did, it would’ve been the end.
We would talk a lot on the phone, in person and through text. You weren't like anyone I had ever met. Me being the person I am, I wanted you to show me your soul. You did, and were more fascinating than ever. I would've never imagined half the things you said coming from a person like you. I got lost in your words. There was just something about you that could make a languish daisy blossom into a beautiful rose. You spoke with so much confidence and you had an edge to you that excited me. I remember you told me, and I quote, “Keeping a smile on your face is one of my biggest priorities,” and as soon as I saw that message my heart skipped a beat and I was completely overwhelmed with happiness. Every time I gazed into your eyes, it was as if it was looking at the moon shining in the night and the stars sparkled like never before. When you gave me a hug I remember you had that smell as if it just stopped raining, even though it was just pounds of cologne you were wearing. When you looked at me, your smile widened across your face, even though in reality, it didn’t. I created this perfect perception of you in my head, even though none of it was true. The way I saw you was like a filter in a camera. I strayed away from the original picture and continued to use the other filters to make the picture of you seem so magnificent. You were a drug and I got addicted, but from the moment our lips touched, I knew I had overdosed. You left me with the memory and the aftertaste. Every time we talked I would give you a piece of me. I opened up to you, I told you my insecurities, and my deepest and darkest secrets. I gave you my everything, every inch of me was owned by you. I trusted you, and in all honesty you had my heart. I was broken like a shattered glass, but you managed to find all the pieces and put them back together. I was lost in your alluring mind, you were my soul soldier. Although your outside beauty blinded me from seeing what I should have from the start.
You changed and you destroyed me little by little. You hooked me on and reeled me in, just to admire what you got, and then you tossed me back. That's when the sadness hit me like a bullet in my back. Love, do you understand how much you meant to me? I changed who I was for you, I stopped talking to other people because of you. I have fallen so desperately in love with you and now I have no idea what to do or how to feel anymore because all of my thoughts are about you and you’ll never care about me as much as I did for you. I convinced myself that you loved me, the way I loved you. I convinced myself that I was the only one you had your eyes on. I fabricated the idea of you and how amazing you were, but you just used me. You gave me something so real but it was all just a white lie. Did you tell me all of those things because you didn’t want to be alone? Was I not good enough for you? Did you only tell me those things to keep yourself occupied with me while you found someone new? I don’t get what I did wrong. I don’t think I ever will. I gave you a part of myself that I will never get back. I was again those millions of pieces of shattered glass scattered across the floor. Everyday I think about you and what could have been. I look back and think of what happened to make you the way you are. I know if I go back it would only make things worse. I have been trying everything in my power to not lose myself in the past but so far, nothing's worked. Love, you are not for me and you ruined my happiness, you were like fool’s gold. There are days where I wish I woke up with amnesia just to forget the memories we created. It hurts to know that you are happy, and that you moved on but there's nothing I can do. Everyday I see you and everyday I am just reminded of the hurt I went through because of you. I want you to know that you destroyed my soul, and suddenly, you were made of all the sad songs I never wanted to listen to again. I still don't understand why you left me the way you did. But people can tell you they love you to the moon and back, forever and always while they are just planning on how to leave you.
There are many people who are so eager to love, they just tell you all of those things because they want to feel something just for a little while. Don’t go looking for love, and don’t be so impatient because if you are you’ll be in a world of hurt. The love of your life will eventually come and when it does hold on tight, and never let go.