The Couch Psychology of a Cynic

I wrote this piece over a year ago when my boyfriend and I had first started dating and I thought he had ghosted me. Turns out he hadn’t, spoiler. But it did make me realize some things I hadn’t really seriously thought about in a while. So take a moment of your day and enjoy the couch psychology from your resident cynic that ensued after a delayed text message fiasco.

The Original Story

I'm not sure where it originated, but as I've gotten older I've come to the realization that, perhaps, I may have a bit of an abandonment issue.

It's not something I'm proud of, and it's certainly not something I like to admit, but I think that's about the only explanation I've got for this weird need for attention - and fear of being alone - that I have.

I have a tendency to forget about this nasty toxic trait of mine until someone new comes into my life. I didn't even know I had this horrible habit until I had my first relationship actually.

It was a long distance relationship which, honestly, I'm not sure was a good idea for a first relationship. We had a routine, though. We'd Skype every night without fail. But it seemed like every time my ex wanted to make plans that interrupted that routine, I somehow just turned into this ugly, jealous monster. When I didn't hear back from him fast enough, I would just assume it was because he was upset with me.

I realized how cruddy that behavior was but for some reason I couldn't figure out how to stop it. And then we broke up, and I truly realized just how awful I was. I won't lie. I thought that that realization alone was enough to turn me around. And I think for a while it was enough. I guess I had kind of just stopped caring about people and whether they liked me enough to stick around.

When I met the guy who ended up breaking my heart, I realized that maybe I had changed. Something about him left me feeling calm, like I could trust that he wouldn't just leave me in the dark. Of course, he ended up doing just that anyway. As did the series of suitors that followed him over the next two years. Turns out getting ghosted by people who took the time to get to know me first is just in my blood.

So when I met my current person of interest, it was a really nice breath of fresh air to be dating someone who not only is consistent in conversation, but also in his interest in me. He recently asked me to be his girlfriend so naturally, when he went AWOL only 3 days later, my mind didn't just jump to conclusions.

It LEAPT.

He always texts me a good morning before I even wake up so when I woke up and didn't see anything, I just assumed he got a late start and texted him first. When he still hadn't responded at dinner time, I think it would have been an understatement to say I was starting to get really concerned.

Internally stressing while simultaneously sitting there thinking about how dumb I am for thinking I've been ghosted just because I haven't heard from him for a few hours.

It feels stupid. It feels ridiculous. It feels obsessive. It feels insane.

I don't know how to stop it either. I can't even fully blame a lack of trust, because I do trust these people. Though it may not seem so, I do genuinely trust these people. Maybe that's where my overthinking obsessiveness about unexpected delays originated. I tend to be too trusting quite frankly, and it's led me down a path of ghosting that has created an obsessive fear of abandonment every time I get close to a person.

I'll admit, though, that all of this speculation is just my own couch psychology. Who knows, maybe it was something else entirely. Maybe I've just been messed up since birth. But it makes sense in my head so we'll just go with that.

I also can't help noticing that even when I do meet someone who seems genuinely worth my time, there comes a point where I can't stop noticing their flaws. I start picking them apart in my head until I reach a point where I've made them annoying to myself without them even knowing anything about it.

Maybe that's normal, but it doesn't seem so to me. I really do like this guy. And frankly, maybe it's just a stupid little bit of desperation in me, but I don't want to focus on the bad and push him away. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of people not being interested in me. I'm tired of losing those I grew to care about.

Sure, there are some things about him that I'm not a fan of. He's way too skinny for starters. He's a little bit more effeminate than I typically would go for. And he sometimes talks in what sounds like it wants to be baby talk which really irks me.

But he's ridiculously sweet. He's caring. He's communicative and attentive. He's thoughtful and he really actually listens. He loves spending time with me and doesn't pull back when I want to spend every weekend with him. He's thinking ahead about where our relationship might go. He's willing to do things for me that no one else has ever even considered offering, let alone actually doing. He holds my hand all the time. He runs his fingers over my skin constantly. He does everything right. He's funny. He's well spoken. He's attractive. He asked me if it was ok to announce our relationship on social media before doing so - and actually took my response seriously. He makes me feel seen and heard and appreciated without any kind of pressure at all.

I am determined not to let the few things I don't love ruin the whole list of super ultra positive qualities he does have. Even if I am afraid of him eventually leaving me.

After all, one of the question prompts he answered on the app we met on said he's been the dumper, not the dumped, most of the time in his past relationships so who knows... maybe I'm next on his list.

The Update

He did not ghost me. His phone crashed at work and he was unable to text me until he got a new one working.

We have been together over a year now and living together for almost 10 months. If he ghosts me now, I’d almost have to respect that effort!

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