The Case for Marriage

At the ripe old age of 50, a close friend of mine recently remarried. His first marriage was a bit of a bust. He married young and he married poorly. She was mean and controlling — something he kind of needed as an out-of-control 23-year-old. But at 43 years old, it was sad to see her controlling his every decision and demeaning his every choice. And she was no happier, as evidenced by the string of affairs she engaged in. So, 21 years into the marriage, they called it quits.

All of his old friends fully expected him to enter a stage of sexual and relationship debauchery. He’s rich; he’s a doctor; he’s a reasonably good-looking guy, in good shape for his age. And, judging by all the strip clubs he snuck into throughout his 20-year marriage, he has a weakness for attractive women.

But, less than 2 years after his separation, we found ourselves on a beach in Costa Rica at his second wedding. The bride was, quite literally, a carbon copy of his first… but a far kinder version. She defied expectation — and in a really good way. She was his age, whip-smart (a fellow doc), a kind and compassionate woman and — and I say this kindly — ‘not a looker’. She actually looked almost identical to his former wife — heavy set, rather plain-looking; not unattractive but not what one might expect for a wealthy doctor’s second marriage.

I was really impressed with my friend. He has always been — if I am being honest — a bit of a trope. He played the wealthy doctor well. He was absolutely obsessed with having expensive things — the nicest car, the biggest boat, the most expensive watches. I can’t tell you how many expansions they added to their lakefront home over the years.

At a restaurant, the steak had to be thick, the wine expensive, and the vodka Grey Goose; he was what my waitress friend called a BSD — Big Swinging Dick — the guy they could upsell to the most expensive but low-quality wines.

And strip clubs — he loved strip clubs. Whenever we were together, the night would end at a seedy (ok.. that’s not true.. the clubs he chose were very nice) strip club, where he would disappear for at least our into champagne room, coming back $1,000 poorer and hopelessly in love with the dancer he was with.

And he worked 70 hours a week to afford these countless indulgences. A trope.

So, imagine how surprised we were to find ourselves on that beach in Costa Rica with him and his wonderful new bride. And not a 20-year-old trophy wife, but a strong, professional life partner.

It caused us — his small circle of close friends — to reflect on the value of marriage. There are seven of us — old high school friends who stay in touch. One has never married (has actually never dated) and the other 6 of us married. Two of those ended in divorce (including the doctor friend mentioned above); two came close to divorce after infidelities; and two of us have had uneventful happy marriages.

But what is the value of marriage?

For some, it’s a commitment before God. But here’s a fun fact. Of the 7 of us mentioned, 4 are quite religious and 3 of us are agnostic. The 4 religous ones — 1 never married; 1 divorced; 2 had infidelities that almost destroyed their relationships. The 3 agnostics — 2 of us are the only happily married ones in the bunch. So, committing before God feels like a bit of an empty gesture.

Our hyper-religious, never-dated friend is, frankly, astonished that any of us non-religious guys ever get married. He said, if not for religion, he would be dating a different woman every week. He could not imagine why any guy would ever settle down with one person if they did not believe that this was God’s will. He’s a strange guy.

The point… if not for that commitment before God, why do we still marry?

Well, we know fewer and fewer of us do. Marriage rates are down 50% compared with just one generation ago. I was reading a book recently on the pharmaceutical interventions in relationships — anything from SSRIs to MDMA — that made the point that humans are not designed for life-long relationships. We’re geared to have a relationship that is long enough to have a child and get that child to an age where it is safe without us. Lifelong partnerships are a social construct. And they are unnatural and hard.

But, if it’s unnatural and if it’s not for God, why do it? Because the social construct is strong. We’re — I believe — so much happier when we have someone who shares all of our stages, joys, and challenges in life with.

I can’t imagine not having a partner in life and adventure who knows me intimately and who, I know, will always be there with and for me.

I’ve wondered how the rise in polyamory and open relationships might change this? I’m not sure it will. A good friend’s niece is poly. We were chatting about it over Christmas and I was asking her what she was ultimately looking for in relationships. He version of poly — a primary partner who she is long-term close, and then lots of sexual and emotional connections outside of this. But always that core relationship.

There are many things about the institution of marriage that I dislike. I don’t like religious traditions. I don’t like the historic power imbalance within marriages. I don’t like the huge bias toward monogamy. But I like the partnership and I like the sense of commitment. I think most of us want that. And I think that is why marriage will endure.