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The Call of the Heart

How to recover from Heartbreak

By Mars SaintPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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Heartbreak. It's used figuratively to describe the pain associated with a loss but it's an all consuming vacuum for those who have experienced it. I myself being one, and I've watched many of my friends experience the same time again.

I'm never great with words in these situations, because I myself struggle to overcome the abyss I sink into when I lose someone I cherished. That was the problem though. I was looking inward for something I knew I didn't know how to do. Instead I was just vigorously trying to claw my way out of a pit with no plan. No strategy. No direction, only exhausting myself in the process.

This is where most people struggle. We all know there are other people around us who have gone through heartbreak, and yet we feel incredibly alone when it happens to us, with no answers.

When it happened to me this latest time, I went looking for some. I stopped relying on myself to figure out something I knew I didn't know how to do once I decided I wanted to get past it.

It all starts with us as individuals, and a decision. I found some helpful information during my research. It didn't resolve the pain, but it did provide me with the tools to start the process. We have to stop relying on ourselves for avenues out of situations we have no answers for. It's a big reason why we suffer, at the very least, longer than we have to.

The normal healing time is approximately three months. But three months is a subjective minimum if the source of your heartbreak is out of your life. If not, the time frame will be longer.

The first step is, yes, eliminating the source. Totally no contact. No social media, no calls, no texts, blocking, removing previous conversations, photos, screenshots, telling friends and family to respect the no contact between you, and to not bring that person up in conversation, absolutely all remaining shadows of that person left in your life. Everything that would surface as a reminder. This first step will seem the hardest, but it's the most critical. Skipping this step will cause long term affects such as prolonged healing time, and reoccurring depression and episodes of emotional breakdowns.

Do not punish yourself by trying to tough it out and keep the person around or check in on their social media. You're only hurting yourself more in the long run. Resist all notions that you can get over it by keeping the person around or affording yourself a quick peek. If you find something you didn't know, say a new relationship, you will hurt yourself all over again. And yes, I do mean you will hurt yourself. The heartbreak you experienced, is not something you caused, but your recovery is 100 percent your responsibility. The real strength in you lies in the ability to turn your back entirely on that person, that situation, and not give in to urges. This also applies if the person contacts you.

After eliminating the person, make sure that you sit down and just have a really good cry. Cry as long as you need to. It's vital to deal with the emotions, feel them, let them out so you can let them go. It's very freeing.

The next step is to be brutally honest with yourself about your ex's flaws. Write them down. When we have strong feelings of love toward someone, we tend to overlook their faults. In this process, they are important, because now, you need to acknowledge them to prove to yourself this person wasn't worthy of the pedestal you put them on. The way we think of people has a great amount of influence on how we act around them. Associating your latest ex with pain is also helpful. If this is an ex you absolutely cannot go no contact with, maybe because of kids you have together, then change their contact name in your phone to something that highlights their flaws. Something like, "Pain," "Torture," "D***head," "Selfish Pr***," "A**hole," "Narcissist," "Cheating Slime," "Scumbag." Anything that helps you to stop glorifying them.

If you want or need to go a step further, write out a letter to your ex with everything you want to say, totally uncensored, and then burn it (in a safe place of course).

We have to come to terms with the idea that the person we loved, didn't love us, either because they left, or because of their treatment of us, and therefore it is not real love.

You can love a venomous snake with your whole heart, but if he bites you, you'd still die from his venom if you don't get medical treatment. That love you felt for him didn't prevent him from biting you, nor did it save you from your death.

One sided love is not real love. It wasn't meant to be, no matter how much it felt like it was. No matter how much we wanted it to be. We have to accept that it wasn't real. It's not love, it's masochism. Only a distraction on the journey to the one we're meant for.

Talking out your feelings about the break up with someone will help you gain some peace with it, and feel heard and understood. Expressing your emotions to an actual person releases them from you.

Distracting yourself is also a good solution. Initially, you'll probably have no energy to even entertain a distraction, even with something you enjoy. That's entirely normal. Depression is a natural part of the healing process, as are bouts of anger, as much as sadness. Don't fight the emotions, allow them in, and let them back out. So during this spell, substitute distraction for self care. This is essential to healing. Indulging in activities that are relaxing and maybe a little selfish. Hot bubble baths with a bath bomb for 30 minutes to an hour. Reading a good book, either a light hearted one or one that is tragic. Binging on movies or your favorite shows on Netflix, either alone or with a friend. Also just like the book, try to either keep the material light or heavy. Another opportunity to cry or laugh until your ribs hurt. Indulging in your favorite foods (and for the win, you can do all three in one night for that extra punch). Things that you enjoy but take minimal effort on your part are best at first. Once you've started to regain your energy, indulge in activities you used to enjoy again, preferably, with other people. It's time to start living life again.

After that, the rest is just time. Without any reminders of the person, you'll think of them less and less, and every day you will feel more free, and above all, more healed.

It's important for you to deal with your emotions most of all. Poetry is a great outlet for that. Or simply just writing your feelings out in a journal. As time passes, your mind will clear, and you'll see a change, and that's when you know, you're healing.

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About the Creator

Mars Saint

I'm a writer. It's how I express feelings I can't say. It's where I feel most at home. I'm an author and a graphic designer as well so snippets of my teasers and novels will make it on this site too.

www.facebook.com/authormarssaint

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