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The Bigger Picture

Dedicated to the broken heart. I hope you don't let yourself suffer, but find meaning in the pain.

By Laura EspositoPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
3
Love, Your Guiding Light, Your Future Baby Girl

I ran away. Don’t you ever want to run away? You see, I’m an artist. My feelings have to surface through some form of expression, like a breaching whale of emotions. My professional medium is abstract painting. The creative process is defined by wild freedom and carefree recklessness, just like falling in love. I'll paint happy, but I won't paint heartbreak. The emotion is too vast for the limited framework of a canvas, or my life, for that matter. When he broke up with me, I knew I needed to expand or risk spilling off the edge. So, instead of painting, I ran away.

That’s how I found myself driving down a Georgia highway winding through a sea of pine trees. “Song of the South” blasted through the sound system, drowning my thoughts of him. The sun rose on the horizon- a brilliant picture of fiery peach, strawberry red, and North Star gold guiding me...beyond. Admittedly, I wasn’t sure where I was going yet. I figured if I kept cruising South, then I would eventually hit a beach. My eyes squinted at the blinding horizon, the road ahead barely visible.

I drove for nine hours that day, stopping only once to empty and fill the tank. My car pulled into a sandy parking lot in front of a driftwood gate leading to the beach. I grabbed the bag I loosely packed this morning. The contents included a notebook, a blue pen, a towel, and the bottle of Merlot from Valentine's Day.

I laughed dryly, realizing I forgot a cup. Oh well. Bottles are glass. If I drink from the bottle, it’s the same as having a glass of merlot, right? I nodded in agreement with myself and trudged barefoot through the sand, the bag saddled over my left shoulder and the wine in my right hand.

They say when you are under the influence or deliriously tired, you tap into artistic brilliance. The brain slips into a state of mental disinhibition. It is as if you are a kid again. No filter, no societal rules. Just honest, creative flow. One hour later, I found myself still sitting on the beach alone, both hammered and exhausted. Drunkenly surrendering to the genius within, I opened my notebook to create the next Harry Potter series.

Instead, the whale of emotion started writing angry notes addressed to the Universe. “Why did he come into my life? Why did you even create men? Wtf, Universe!” Instantaneously, a period cramp violently hit my abdomen like a crashing wave. “Cool.” I continued to write. “Send lightning while you’re at it. Go ahead and Sweet Home Alabama me.” Then, I started to cry in my hands. Hard.

Once I couldn't cry any longer, I sat there staring at the sea. I realized the person I was would never be able to get over him. Therefore, I needed to become someone else. Not necessarily a different person, but an elevated version of myself. I sat up straight, crossed my legs, and closed my eyes, Eat Pray Love style. I took deep breaths in aligned rhythm with the waves. A gentle breeze moved the hair out of my face. After a few minutes of meditation, the heartbreak didn’t seem to exist anymore. I was one with the universe. I felt as limitless as the ocean, out on a first date with my new self.

In the stillness, I was struck by an epiphanic understanding of the reason for my heartbreak. While I was writing hate mail to the Universe, She was writing me love letters. Nobody believes me when I tell them, but I met my daughter for the first time that day. Her voice filled the cracks in my heart and I'll never forget the words:

Dear Mommy,

Although your lighthouse is dim, it still glows and faintly sings. Heavenly skies heard you crying all the way across the seas. You might feel broken today, but tomorrow you’ll shine and soar with stronger wings.

I see the Universe herself fixing your light. She chose the biggest and the brightest bulb, one that will fit your heart just right.

I know it hurts because you love so deeply, but you’ll find a deeper love in me. Mommy, do you want to know what else I see?

I see Daddy in New York coming home from work, fumbling with his keys. He's so handsome, Mommy! He will wipe your salty tears. He's a man strong enough to anchor us both and cast away our fears.

The Universe knows you wanted it to be him, but he is not my Daddy. Don't go back to him, Mommy, please. He’s just a pirate from stories by your bed. Sometimes the one you catch shouldn’t be the one you keep, so let him swim away instead.

When you meet Daddy, you’ll know why you had to cry. You’ll learn to love the scars that left a mark. Just like two sailors finding the shore, faithfully voyaging through the ocean’s dark. You’re the rugged oysters, and I’m your golden pearl.

Love,

Your Guiding Light, Your Future Baby Girl.

divorce
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About the Creator

Laura Esposito

Follow my creative journey on Instagram: @lauraespositoart

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