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The Beaten Escape

An easy decision made impossible

By Brian RosenPublished 3 years ago 8 min read
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Image courtesy of Oracle Blogs

How can the best thing to ever happen to you make you want to tear your brain out of your skull? How can my dreams finally coming true push me so far over the edge? I wanted to pull my hair out. I wanted my thoughts to quit racing ahead like an excited child at a zoo.

I only check my bank account once every two weeks. That’s just because it’s how often I get paid. It’s always just nice to see my dismal bank account go up for a brief period of time. I never expected it to go up so much though. Yesterday morning, I woke up from my daily train nap and checked the app that becomes my favorite every other Friday. My balance is normally just around $2800 on days like this, giving me a chance to allocate before it would all need to be sent out to pay my bills. At first glance I was disappointed. Only $2200? Did my boss dock my pay from the last two weeks? I thought I’d worked just as hard as usual. I built enough energy to squint my tired eyes and after a few seconds it became clear. Twenty two thousand, eight hundred forty seven dollars and ninety eight cents. I froze, standing petrified in the train doorway just before the gap that I have become accustomed to and no longer needed to mind. I couldn’t even move my thumb to the statement button in order to check where this obscene amount of money even came from. I’d never even seen this much in one place before, and mind you, this was in my account. I suddenly had access to a small fortune that I had only ever dreamt of.

I've made mistakes in my short life, but not the kinds that probably first come to mind when a writer brings up that word. I've made the mistake of doing things correctly. I've travelled through life on a path tested by billions before me and declared to be safe. I've travelled behind men and women who demonized the ground beneath their feet to ensure I wouldn't twist an ankle while trailing behind them. I”ve never stepped off of the beaten path.

I decided on engineering after a quick meeting with my guidance counselor in 12th grade. I was good at math. Still am. I don’t think stuff like that goes away. I was good at fractions so I took advanced math in 7th grade. They put me on a list of about 30 other kids who were better at adding and multiplying than everyone else and we all eventually got the speech during our required 5 minute meeting at the guidance office; “How about engineering?”.

After working in the field of engineering for two years, it became obvious that it isn’t for me. But what am I supposed to do about it? I have a degree that says I can engineer. To specify, I can basically just tell people where the best place to install an air conditioner is or why their hot water runs out so quickly. If they are angry with a decision I make then I just tell them that the fault is in the New York City mechanical or energy code. I feel like I can do more. More specifically, I can make a life that I would love living. I had recently begun to consider the possibilities of life outside of my current job. I could take some of my hobbies and put them to work. I love to write. Maybe I could be a freelance writer or a novelist. I’d already completed 2 and a half novels and began the editing process to try and get one out there. I love to travel. I could just buy a van and drive all over the continent exploring all of the incredible features that this beautiful planet has done the honor of making for us. The biggest problem is that I’ll need money, and engineering from the road isn’t an option. I really wish I knew that the digital age was going to take over the world so suddenly. I would have gone into computer science instead and bought myself a much simpler transition.

The mystery of this new form of blank check started rushing through my head. I sat down at my desk at work unable to focus for a second. My thoughts pinged and ponged between the origin of the money and my little black notebook. I suppose I should explain what I mean by that. A few months ago, I was walking through a walgreens when I was suddenly drawn to this tiny little notebook. I can’t put my finger on exactly why, but there’s something beautiful about collecting all of your thoughts on a subject in pen. I started doing some calculations in the book. I’m an engineer. We tend to turn everything into a math problem. After an extended research process, I’d filled up 50% of this little notebook and determined that I would need just around $30,000 to buy a van, move in and travel the country for a year. I have enough in my savings to cover the rest. If I decided to keep this money, it would all be possible.

It turns out that deciding your entire future at the age of 17 may not be the smartest way to do it. It’s ironic. Quick, off the top of your head, who are the smartest people in the world? You’d probably say doctors or lawyers, people who have been in school for an extended period of time. They all began their journeys deciding to commit the next decade learning the trade that will keep them fed and sheltered for the rest of their lives. It is for some reason frowned upon to look for another way to make a living. But I’d seen past the trick. The money was the last step I needed, and it suddenly belonged to me.

I more or less walked over the question of how when I first saw it. I looked at the statement. It was an instant deposit. No name, no company, no nothing. It was marked for 3 days ago. That should be the end of that. It makes sense that the unmarked transfer had reached the end of its path. But with similar logic, it made no sense though that the end of its path had been my account.

My account. That would make it mine, right? This money could be my opportunity to beat my own path. I have the power to donkey kong punch the dirt in my way and mold it into a shape that I want. I could drive over the path with a van if I want. It’s my path. But I shouldn’t be free to make it. I never earned the money.

I took the chance to investigate every time my boss went back into his office, and made sure to look busy while he scoured the area around my desk. I spent the morning texting everybody I know desperately hoping that one of my friends or family members came into some money and secretly decided to honor the promise that I made with all of them at one time or another. After half the day had passed, I had just about as much information as I had to start. And before you ask, no I did not ask them all, “hey, did you just send me twenty thousand dollars?” My method allowed me to get through one or two messages and move on. And I’ll give you one guess how that went. Five work hours down and not only had I not gotten any work done, I hadn’t made any progress on the mystery of the fat check either.

I got out of work, lost in the fact that I would most likely never find the culprit behind this outrageous act of charitable malfeasance. Have you ever tried to conjure a thought from the back of your mind only to have it stick on the tip of your tongue? The thought of just leaving it all behind was stuck in the back of my mind, clouding any and all decisions that I could make. It’s like a cold that won’t go away. It’s like a moron who’s writing this all down instead of focusing on finding a solution. Actually that’s exactly what’s happening here.

I’m in my apartment right now, looking down at my computer screen while the bank statement is open on the monitor above my head. I have enough money to buy all of the food in the local grocery store but I can’t stand to eat. I called the bank. No help. I asked my computer science friends if they knew a method of tracking banking transactions to which they replied, “if the bank can’t figure it out how the hell do you think I can?” The bizarre thing is that I asked two separate people and they both replied exactly the same.

I brought out my little black notebook and opened it to page 20:

Schedule of purchases for van life transformation. Step one is allotted the most time.

1: Purchase van. Time allotment: one month. Find the perfect one for the perfect price. This will be your home, so make it a good one.

I’ve never been one to ask for others before making a decision. I definitely have always been terrible at making them though. Is it worth going for? I mean, I’ve been planning it for so long. I have the money to get started, but what if I can’t get any further than that? My salary would disappear, and instead I would turn towards writing in order to build a life on the road. No. I’ve done all this research already. I can do it. I can escape the path. I think. I- I'm not getting any sleep tonight, am I.

humanity
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About the Creator

Brian Rosen

I am an engineer who loves to write as a hobby. One day I would love to get out of engineering and write full time. I would get a van and travel the country, writing about things I see and experiences I have.

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