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The Atypical's Neurotypical Guide to Loving an Atypical Person

Say that five times fast.

By Hannah ShannonPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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So you've fallen in love with a neurologically atypical person. That's understandable; we're pretty awesome. But now what?

(Disclaimer: This article outlines my own personal experience as well as the experiences of neuro-atypical persons who I personally know, and is in no way intended to cover every potential eventuality for every atypical individual. It should help bridge the gap, though.)

1. Body Language

Many of us don't speak it. So if you're in the beginning stages and trying to get their attention, standard flirting techniques are only going to get you so far. Let me break it down for you:

Eye contact: OMG stahp why

Touching: Am I in your way, I'm sorry?

"Would you like to go out sometime?": That sounds terrible, and I can't tell if you're judging my life or asking me to come with you somewhere. Will there be people? What are the rules? There are things that have to happen at times, will the things still happen at the times??

"I like you!": Thanks! I too enjoy your presence.

"I want to be with you," spoken in person: You are though??

"I want to be with you," messaged in some fashion from a distance: Like, for a visit? I can look up airline rates and stuff.

Clearly this leads to a lifetime of missed signals, and there's really nothing we can do about it, so please just be as crystal clear as you possibly can.

"I am interested in you and I want to get to know you better. Would you like to get coffee tomorrow at 10?": Oh! Yes. I like you and I like coffee and I would also like to get to know you better, and I already know the rules for coffee places, thank you.

2. Gaslighting and Teasing

This one took years... YEARS... for me to figure out how to manage. Gaslighting hyper-literal people is SO EASY. Yeah, it's cute. Yeah, it's endearing. Sure, I guess, it's hilarious.

Don't.

Freaking.

Do it.

Let me give you an example. Last night, my girlfriend was getting ready for bed and couldn't find her nightgown. She said, "I was going to be all pretty and flowy for bed tonight, but you took my nightgown away!"

My response: "I did? When? Why did I do that? Did I say why? Did it need washing?"

She quickly reassured me that I was not, in fact, a nightgown stealing monster. She had been teasing me about our romantic interlude of the night before, and I had missed it entirely. She's perfect for me because she was quick to reassure me; other people have quickly brought me to tears by not doing that.

See, I am completely aware that my perception of reality is not the same as other people's; that time moves differently for me; and that my memory is spotty at best. Which means that if you are a person who I trust, part of that trust involves helping me maintain a sense of what Is.

That doesn't mean following me around telling me what time it is or anything, it just means not using my scattered brain against me. Even in fun. Yes, I trust you implicitly. Yes, that's adorable. Please don't make fun of me for it.

3. It's Never "Normal."

If you're expecting your person to be magically "fixed" by your influence, please just go. Chances are your love interest has been "worked on" their whole life; teachers, parents, therapists, aids, friends, coworkers, bosses, everybody pestering them to be more usual.

If you love an atypical person, just love them in all of their unusualness. We'll try very hard not to embarrass you in public, but once we get home, we are in our safe space. You are our safe space. If you get frustrated with us for our weirdness after assuring us that you are safe, it will break our heart.

So maybe we need two simultaneous toothbrushes for reasons. Maybe we really, really want to talk about Pokemon for three hours. Maybe we really can't do the normal thing. Maybe we love you too, and we're trying really, really hard to be as functional as possible, and maybe sometimes we are going to need help; but we are always, always going to need acceptance.

(Clearly this does not include atypical behaviors which are actually harmful, but please get a solid idea of what constitutes "harmful" before attempting to change the thing. A distaste for barber shops and broccoli harms no one.)

So, simply: Be direct, be kind, and be accepting. We love you too.

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About the Creator

Hannah Shannon

Hannah Shannon is a freelance writer and mental health advocate.

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