The Art of the Breaking Up

Whether you have been dating for three months or three years, if you know he is not your forever, then you need to move on. This can create the problem of "How do I break up." And no matter how much you may pride yourself in being a rational & reasonable thinker. We are emotional beings. Our actions and decisions typically come from an emotional perspective. Relationships involve our emotions. So YES, breakups are an emotional experience. You may have been in the relationship for the wrong reasons. And you probably should not have let it get started in the first place. More often than not, it was a relationship of convenience, which has finally run its course. And when I say convenience... I really mean: You were clearly getting something out of it, so you stayed too long. Whether that was emotional support, sexual gratification, or financial stability. Breaking up with someone can be uncomfortable and tricky.

The breakup needs to be presented in the right way, in order to get the best results. So, start by giving yourself the grace to accept the end of this relationship. The fasted way to get set free is too value yourself regardless of your previous mistakes in the relationship. The first step is taking responsibility for getting into a relationship that is ultimately ending. Because if you are constantly doing the blame game, you will never get set free. With that said, forgiving yourself and him are the key. Once you have mentally done the forgiving; you will need to act. Yes, you will need to have the "breakup talk" conversation with him. And absolutely, DO NOT have the "talk" until you are sure you have completed your mental forgiveness. Some ways to tell if you have forgiven yourself are: You are no longer complaining to your friends about his bad behavior, because we are all tired of hearing about it! Also, make sure your midnight chocolate cravings have subsided. As for forgiving him, the basic test is that your feeling toward him is either neutral or nonexistent. In other words, no strong emotions toward him either positive or negative. It's a take him or leave him kind of a thing...

So, you may still be wondering, "Do I have to have this conversation at all?"

Yes, you do. And let me remind you that regardless of this upcoming "talk", you are lovable. You are going to need to remember that during the conversation. Valuing yourself and no longer settling is what leads to you getting the love you deserve. And let me be clear, whether dating just a few months or a few years... Ghosting is not an option. Ghosting someone, although popular, is completely cowardice and unacceptable. You are a responsible adult, who cares deeply about the feelings of another person. Don't let the lies of your subconscious prevent you from this key aspect of moving on. In other words, if you don't handle the "talk" correctly, you will be filled with guilt which will then sabotage your ability to meet the right one, in the future. Just trust me on this, even if you don't understand it. Let me lay it out for you in just a few simple steps.

Step 1. Have the conversation as soon as possible. Likely you have seen the writing on the wall and have been putting this off for far too long already.

Step 2. Pick a time and a place for the conversation that works for him and one that is relatively if not completely private.

Step 3. Always start the conversation with a compliment.

Step 4. Validate their feelings along the way. This will deescalate any negative emotions they may be having during the conversation.

Yes, Steps three and four are tricky. So let me give you some examples and guidance. If you need to write this out and do a few practice drills ahead of time, that's fine. However, I wouldn't recommend using your notes during the actual "talk". Firstly, you don't need to make excuses or apologize for your decision. Being honest is a sign of emotional maturity. It starts with the golden rule: treat others the way you would want to be treated. You will also want and expect honesty from your future partner, right? So, let's start behaving that way now. For new relationships, picking a quite restaurant or your favorite outdoor spot is a good idea. For all others, if you typically have them over for dinner, then do something similar to your typical schedules. There is no need to preface the meeting with context like; "We need to talk". This will only raise red flags and may even put them on the defensive.

If you have chosen to share a meal, prior to the "talk" Be sure to finish the meal. No one wants to hear what you have to say if they are hungry. I recommend beginning the conversation with a compliment. This is not being manipulative. It is merely respectful and a nice gesture. Let's face it, you would not even be at this point in the relationship if you didn't already like some things about the person. So, find something complimentary to start with. Next, find a key life value that you don't feel you are compatible with. This is the point of entry for why you are breaking up. You can choose from: Money & Finance; Family & Children; Spirituality or Faith; Career or Job; Health & Fitness. Politely express your differences. And follow it with the fact that you have definitely made up your mind. Then ask them to share their thoughts/feelings. Listening to them along with validating their feelings are the keys to the process and the closure you are seeking.

Example: "John, you know I think you are amazing. I really admire how well you have succeeded at______. (Key Life Value)" or how dedicated you are too________. (Key Life Value)” “I have given our relationship a lot of thought and feel that we have two different paths which we are following when it comes too_____. (Again, another Key Life Value)" " I have made this decision because it is the best option for both of us. I would love to know how you are feeling about us at this moment."

Although this is a condensed version of the "talk" It has the basic elements you need to address. In some cases, you will have to elaborate as too which specifics of the key life values are different. This is also, dependent upon how long you were together and the level of your emotional connection. Typically, there will be one of three emotional responses depending upon their personality and life experiences; Positive; Neutral; Negative.

The first possibility is the Positive response. This is when your partner seems happy, excited, or even relieved. Just remember, this is the best scenario, so don't get offended that they didn't reach out with the 'talk" first. Again, acknowledge their feelings. "Wow John, I am so glad you are feeling _____." This will give them permission to be honest and you will likely be able to work through the details of your breakup and move forward toward closure more quickly.

Let's address Neutral second. If you sense the Neutral response this is because they are surprised or startled. In other words, they appear as if they did not see it coming. Although, probably not true. However, you will need to address this response by acknowledging their feelings. "Yes, I understand, you do look surprised." "But at least we are both informed about how the relationship stands and can both express our feelings and make plans on how to proceed forward. Hopefully as friends."

Finally, the third possible response could be Negative. This may include such emotions as anger, disgust, fear, distress, or humiliation. In some cases, you may get a combination of several. Again, it’s imperative that you acknowledge their reaction. "I can see you are feeling____." Even if you have to guess at the negative emotion; you will likely be right, and if not, they will probably correct you. During a Negative response, there may be some signs that the individual also has a condition called: Alexithymia. It is considered a dimensional personality trait that varies in intensity from person to person. Alexithymia is the inability to state; be aware of; or express properly what they are experiencing emotionally. Tip number one; ignore 93% of what they are saying. At this point, they may have a decreased empathy for you, or they may have difficulty conceptualizing their emotions and become highly reactive. We don't want to get triggered in case they start spouting off all of your previous short comings... If this happens, you are going to need some additional damage control skills. Which basically means; you go back to listening and validating again. For example:

"I can see that you are definitely _____. I have always had your best interest at heart. I hope you know you can still trust that to be true. But at least we are both informed about how the relationship stands and can both express our feelings. How would you like to move forward now?" reading their emotions and reflecting them back may take several attempts but will almost always work to your advantage. If they choose to banter negatively with you. Disengage yourself. The upside is, that you now know you made the right decision to breakup in the first place.

I hope you have learned a few techniques about becoming a bit more self-aware while handling the "breakup talk." Take a moment to reflect and heal. But then, get back out there. Start dating again. And look at the bright side: you will either never have this conversation again -which will be your happily ever after. Or you will be better emotionally prepared if the "talk" comes looking for you.