The Art of Shutting People Out

I really struggle to understand myself. I think that’s part of the reason I cant let you in—I don’t trust that you can understand me, or even accept me because I simply don’t know how to do that for myself yet. I don’t understand how it is possible to love myself and therefore when you try to love me, that’s when I will walk away. You will tell me I am beautiful and I will receive it like a blow to the gut. I will take it like a blatant lie made to my face, I will believe you looked me straight in the eyes, and try to convince me of a delusion. And I will be hurt.

I feel raw fear, I become terrified when you care for me, when you show concern. I don’t care for myself, I believe only that you live under a delusion, that you must not have seen me in my fullness, that you have not paid attention to me long enough. If you had, you simply would have walked away. When you stand there, when you tell me to be careful in the midst of myself destructive attitude, I shrink away. I feel like I will let you down, like I might hurt you.

When you hold my hand, my hand sweats. My heart pulses and throbs in the claustrophobic nature of a relationship. To belong to a person. I cannot belong to someone, if I belong to someone then I can be abandoned by someone. I can be hurt, I can be disappointed.

I can’t love someone. I can’t let myself love you, I can’t let myself admire all the beautiful and intricate parts of who you are, because all I see is a growing list of things I must some day say goodbye to, that make up to a person who will have the capability to hurt me.

And I can’t love you because I can’t hurt you. I feel if I get too close I could spread the pain in my chest and throat by simply touching you. It's too intense, it's too much. I’m too much. To become that burden, to give you that pain, it makes me afraid to come nearer to you. There are too many parts of me that I feel I will never be capable of sharing with anyone, especially not you. I refuse to come to close to you in case the vines that are strangling me, and the roots that have sunk into the deepest parts of me entangle you in them too.

I’m so broken you wouldn’t even know where each piece is meant to go. Don’t try to repair me, darling, you are going to end up cutting yourself. I am not for you to fix. I am not your project. Even I have forgotten who I was before all this. Since the beginning, I had to be here for myself every step of my life and I took care of myself. I held myself at night. I wiped away my own tears. I told myself to get up. I told myself I would get through this.

I will fix myself. The best thing you can do is to stand back while I collect the broken pieces of myself, repair and grow stronger. You can walk away while I learn to love myself once again. You can disappear while I learn to stand alone, because alone is how I will become strong. My strength will never be found in you, or my identity. My love and my worth will never rely on you. Don’t try to love me, because right now I am unsure of what it feels like to be loved. I will discover that for myself.

Let me understand who I am, before you try to do that for me.