The Art of Learning To Be Alone

It's never easy. Those first few nights, days , weeks and even months at times. You are so used to falling asleep in that warm bubble of protective comfort called a "cuddle" or the ever so popular "spoon." Its the kind of natural soothing that brings you back to being a baby and being swaddled. In some weird way , now that I think about it, that's probably the root of why we are so drawn to this intimate act. For me, the art of cuddling was more intimate than sex. Sex can be wild, sweaty, distant and meaningless. When you really allow someone into your bubble with no expectation and guaranteed warmth and safety, that is the true feeling of love. It had been 5 sleepless nights, which I had tried to dampen down with my favourite "fruit drink" often referred to as wine. I had paired that with the "soothing sounds of rain " app and one of those pillows long enough to be a human, but without any gratifying return of affection. "This is why people get pets" I would think as I would toss and turn , laying in my bed , staring at the ceiling, willing my "should have , should have , should have " thoughts to leave my body for good. I am told this is a girl thing . Maybe its a "Scorpio " thing - us girls LOVE to blame our Zodiac sign for all of our bad behaviours don't we?

So how do we overcome this hurdle , and get past anxious , lying awake, hurt? I have been through this many times and I have finally found some steps that seem simple, but worked for me:

Step one : Create a routine for yourself, filled with things you wanted to , but never did because of a relationship. If you are anything like me, its easy when you fall in love to be consumed by it. You see friends less, you adapt a "we lifestyle " where you feel you are building together. The problem, I now know, is that you lose yourself in the process, this is why you feel so empty when its over, because your life was ONLY them , so without, you feel you are NOTHING. See this as an opportunity to have time . Start small. Phone one friend each day, 5 minutes, just to talk. Meditate. I am now doing 5 mins each morning and 10 minutes at night (I am no master, but baby steps). 1 active thing each day.

Step two: Make yourself leave your house each day, if its even coffee outside your house. The fresh air and seeing other humans reminds you there is a whole world beyond your relationship.

Step three: Find a natural sleep aid and bedtime routine which doesn't involve scrolling on the phone. I discovered some amazing natural sleep aids. I would have one and my no decaf tea around 8:30pm, and read a book I'd been putting off. Some people say "I don't read". The truth is, you just haven't found your topic. Maybe even start with a relationship book so you can learn from this experience.

Step four : Maintain your home environment. It's easy to let your home go to shit because your sad. My first major breakup, especially as it was during covid, I shamefully wore the same pants for 4 days, instead of doing my laundry. It sounds simple, but when I finally did it, it made me feel better and snowballed into tackling other small things which made me feel gratification and achievement.

Step five : emulate the things you admired in your partner. Often times we date someone who holds qualities we wish we had in ourselves , rather than creating them within. Maybe they were into fitness and you had never been to a gym in your life. Maybe they were an amazing cook or artist and you felt less confident in those spaces. Maybe they spoke a second language (there's something called duo lingo which is amazing for a low commitment/ free daily lesson ).I can tell you you tube is an amazing resource these days to start small. 20 minute workouts, easy how to make bread seminars, you don't have to go big or go home.

My first step, honestly , was getting back into my love for writing, hence this post. Its now been almost two weeks and I know it sounds cliche' but it does get easier. You will wake up each day and it will hurt less, until you have re created a whole person on your own, who can do things alone, sleep alone, and be happy alone. And at the end of the day, that's what attracts the world around you. A person who doesn't necessarily "need" anyone, seems to attract everyone. I will let you guys know where I am in a couple months. But you got this. I've been there, and it gets better. Baby steps away from pain and towards being whole, happy, just as you are. All on your own.