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The Art of being Alone

Soul tie Avoidance and developing your Authentic Self

By Magdalena ValentinePublished 3 years ago 8 min read
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“I don’t want to be alone”, my client proclaims. “ I want to be with someone and I want it to be my soulmate, NOW, I can’t find them if I don’t date.” She’s a chronic dater and a love addict. I have been her relationship counselor for a few months now, and she has a continued cycle of jumping from relationship to relationship. She never gives herself enough time to heal, or really to move on from the last relationship, she often calls in with guilty feelings because she is still “hung”up on the last.

She’s afraid of being single, She’s afraid for many reasons, Some societal and others emotional. She’s falling into that trap of you get over one man by getting under another. She rushes things and inevitably forges soul ties with someone new before her heart has severed the last and moved on.

But she's not just to blame, Society has an issue with forcing the idea that there is something horribly wrong with us if we are not in a relationship. My client she’s not alone in her behavior and fears. No one wants to be an outcast, no one wants to take the risk of missing out on their forever person. But being single causes us to have to do something that is even far scarier than potentially not meeting our one. And that's having to face ourselves.

We often use our relationships as a crutch or a place to hide, we place our time, effort and emotions into someone else. We say,” Can’t do that or act that way, because I have to consider my partner's feelings.” As a whole that is not a bad thing, if you are emotionally healthy and know who you really are, and aren’t using your relationships as an avoidance tactic.

Let's go back to my client, I ask her “what is your worst fear if you take time for yourself? Cut the toxic soul ties to your ex’s and heal?” She snaps back, “ If I don’t date I won’t meet my one.” I tell her, “It's plausible in a sense, but what If I told you, you don’t actively have to look for your one, Love isn’t something you hunt down, it's what enters your life when you are ready, and that means emotionally,mentally and spiritually. “ I tell her “ You can't meet your one and connect if you are latched on to someone you know isn’t right. You are going to not only have soul ties to the wrong person, but you are not giving yourself time to heal. So, what is the real reason you don’t take time to be single.” She pauses, and then tries to go back to the same answer of not meeting her one, “ But I already told you, it's not something you actively hunt for, true soulmate connections happen when they are meant to. Could it possibly be that you are afraid of being single? That you are afraid of what you might discover about yourself?” She pauses again,”....maybe you are right.”

When we have intimate relationships with someone, and not just sexual, though sex can deepen it, we leave a bit of ourselves with them and they with us. Imagine gluing two pieces of wood together and then ripping them apart, a little of each piece of wood stays, that's what soul ties are, unfortunately, when we create an intimate relationship with someone we know deep down is not right, we create a toxic soul tie connection, we bind ourselves to a person who is not right for us, and give them power over our energy. Soul ties are often what binds two people into very toxic relationships where they keep going back and forth no matter how abusive and soul crushing the connection is.

We can sever soul ties and move forward with who we are, and truthfully this severing is not hard to do, but we often fear the what ifs of that separation. "What if they change" or more often," What is I don't meet someone else after them." We can sever soul ties by giving ourselves personal closure, sometimes we may need closure from the other person that we may not get, sometimes we convince ourselves we need closure from them because we want an excuse to see them again. Personal closure is the best route to go with this, I can not advise enough to not reach out after a separation at least for several weeks, enough time to move on. Personal closure involves acceptance and letting go. You have to accept the relationship and the ending for what it was, and know that it did not serve you and then return this energy. The second step is just to stop romanticizing what was, there was a reason it ended, don’t focus on the few good aspects of what was, and remember why it ended. And the best thing to do is avoid developing soul ties in the first place, if your intuition is telling you something is wrong, and there are already red flags, let it go, that person is not going to do better and they are not going to change who they are, in fact the more comfortable they get with you, The worse the behavior will be once the “honeymoon phase” is over.

It's important to avoid these soul tie connections because they are draining, they cause psyche damage and they take away from who we are and our own personal growth.

You need to understand, It's okay to not date, actually it's highly important to take time being single, and when I say single that means no casual dating and sexual relationships. Single in the sense that you have no intimate relationships. And no one week of taking off for soul searching does not count. One of the main benefits of this solitary time is it will do wonders for when you actually start dating, when you love being single then you also learn to set boundaries, you no longer ignore the warning signs, the red flags, you no longer hold the belief that someone is going to change bad behavior to please you, you don’t allow people to disturb your peace. Being truly single teaches you how to have healthy relationships.

But beyond the future relationship aspect, when you take time to get to know yourself, you develop your authentic self. This in the long run helps you cope with life with a healthier approach. You become comfortable in who you are, you will have the spiritual growth you need, and be more confident in not only yourself but your approach to life. You will care less about what others think and how they perceive you. Low points become easier to overcome. Because you have the inner wellness of knowing your truth. But knowing your authentic self can only be possible when you practice the art of being alone, when you are without limits and are not having to place concerns on what your partner will think and consideration of their feelings. To get to know your authentic self, you have to have absolute emotional freedom from the confines of a romantic relationship. You have to be able to be fully open, and free to explore. And that also means overcoming fears involved with learning about yourself.

My client, though she still holds onto these fears, she’s learning to love her solitary life a little more, she is taking time away from romantic relationships, and learning to develop her relationship with herself on a deeper level, Now that she is learning who she is, her non-romantic relationships are starting to also heal and develop deeper, she connects with friends more, goes out more often and enjoys these relationships without having to worry if her partner will get mad because she spending to much time outside of them, she's happy to report she is regaining the closeness she had with her family but has also learned to set boundaries with them, and she’s growing in her career because she’s no longer making herself smaller so as to not hurt the ego of her partner or outshine them by being successful. She realized she was shrinking herself in the name of love, often for people who were not worth it. She also has realized that she was also doing this out of her own fear of failure, because what more noble cause is there then to hold yourself back because of your heart? She’s confident now, she knows who she is, and she’s growing closer to the idea of dating again. She still has spiritual growth to go through. But she has made huge strides.

Breaking the cycle is the important part. Once you learn to break the cycle and put yourself in a place where you are uncomfortable in solitude, you learn it's only a temporary feeling then the real growth begins. Be brave. Learn to love your real self.

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About the Creator

Magdalena Valentine

Relationship coach, psychology major, nutritionist.

Art, creativity, poetry.

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