The "6 Types of Love" Quiz

“But we missed Limerence!”

That was my response to my wife when she said she married me because our marriage was “sustainable.”

Sustainability was not a word that I associated with love until I started reading the Greek philosophers. They had the time and inclination to do some of history's best thinking and reflecting on love. From Plato to Aristotle, philosophical Greeks realized that love comes in many flavors.

In the same way that the Alaskan Intuits have over 50 words for snow, the Greeks described 6 distinctly different types of love. It important to understand the differences, especially in our society where the word has become a meaningless utterance - "luv" - or a misinterpreted shorthand before or after sex.

The ideal is to have ALL 6 types in your life to be truly and completely loved. Finding out which you have, and which you need, is the most important discovery you can make.

So take the quiz and find out how you score.

Eros

Eros was the Greek god of sexual desire and passion. A child of Aphrodite and Ares, Eros was one of the winged gods of love and passion. The Romans renamed him Cupid and emphasized the bow and arrow we see today. Eros is a dangerous type of love that actually frightened the Greeks.

This type of love would possess you and make you act as if you lost your mind. It was the basis for another Greek word “limerence”, the intense focus on another person to the point of obsession. It was what I felt I missed out on when I got married.

Eros can cause you to let go of your senses and replace everything with limerence. Daydreaming about them. Always looking for them. Stalking them on Facebook. Pining away for them while waiting in their favorite bar. Replaying their mobile phone recordings over and over. (And other things I’ve done when I’ve fallen madly in love and taken an arrow in the heart.) It's all about the heat. Excitement. Breathless yearning.

I have nothing more to say about Eros.

Score 10 points for each passionless one night stand you avoided and 20 points for the ones that were Amazing.

Ludus

I think of Ludus as Eros without the crazy sex. Those ancient Greeks loved to play and flirt and dance and thought of Ludus as "playful love." The hallmark of Ludus is laughter. Laughter, flirting and dancing with anyone and with everyone. Ludus is the type of love you feel looking into the eyes of a new dance partner, or just hanging with good friends talking and laughing.

As a friend of mine likes to say, “Dancing is sex standing up with your clothes.” That's Ludus. It happens when laughing and flirting, you notice the wedding ring, and just keep flirting knowing it’s not leading anywhere but where you are, laughing and having fun. That's Ludus at it best.

Score 15 points for each time this week you flirted with strangers and 20 points for each dance.

Pragma

This is the long-standing love between two people. They can be married forever, like my Uncle Tony and Aunt Mary, married 42-years before Tony passed. Or my 52-year friendship with my best friend and best man Jacques. Pragma is the Greeks way of saying “sustainable.” Makes it sound much better.

Pragma is about making compromises, forgiving AND forgetting, being patient and forbearing, often doing what the other person wants to (do even if your not wildly happy about it). It’s sharing chores, from taking out garbage to doing dishes and washing clothes.

As the psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said it isn’t “falling in love” it’s more like “standing in love.” Pragma is a deep commitment that grows from really understanding, willingly compromising, and finding ways to be tolerant of things you may not like.

Pragma grows over time demanding a deep understanding between the lovers together for many years. With about a third of marriages in the U.S. ending after less than 10-years, couples could use a lot more Pragma.

There’s a special kind of pragma called Storge (store-gay) which is the deep love and affection parents and relatives have for children. It’s effortless and enduring, accepting and sacrificing. It’s the type of love that makes you feel safe and secure as a child and as your inner child when you are an adult.

Score 5 points for every year you've been in Pragma with your SO, and add 10 points for every child you Storge.

Philia

Philia means “the love of the mind.” The concept was written about by Aristotle in his book Nicomachean Ethics (which I'm sure everyone has read). In that book he referred to Philia as “brotherly love.”

It’s the love you feel for your best and closest friends. The Greeks originally meant it as the feeling that soldiers have for their teammates who they fight with side-by-side. It is friendship based on the other person’s kindness or goodness, loyalty or dependability. Always there for you. Your “wingman” when you need one. Always authentic and open with you. Sharing feelings as well as thoughts and ideas. Making small and sometimes large sacrifices for you. Telling you what they really think.

Philia happens when a lover or friend loves you enough to share an insight about you that you may not want to hear. Because they want you to be better, more successful, or happier. It’s what I felt when my friend good friend Howard told me I was acting out my feelings of anger and needed to exert some control. Instead of wanting to punch someone, I could tell them they were making me really angry and walk away. Philia. Howard I Philia you.

Score 15 points plus 2 points for all the times you listened and changed to tour best friends and lovers.

Philautia

This one is a two-edged sword. Philautia is self-love that can be dark or light, good or bad.

You need Philautia to be strong, successful, happy. It’s your self-esteem, your self-confidence. It enables you to be selfless and give love to others expecting nothing in return. Because of the ability to feel the type of love the Greeks called Philautia, these people have resilience, they are always open to experiences or relationships that help them grow, and as a result are tolerant of risk without falling apart. They make great mentors, coaches and role-models.

People who have a strong feeling of self-love or Philautia are quick to joy and delight, accepting themselves, and forgiving of others. The Buddhist idea of this is “self-compassion”. They strengthen it by practicing what they call The Heart Mediation. We all need more people with Philautia in our lives.

Then there is the dark side of Philautia.

Enter the narcissist. This is when Philautia runs wild and it becomes ego-driven to an extreme, vain and selfish. This end of the spectrum is a person who loves themselves SO much that they are self-obsessed, only focused on fame and fortune. In Ancient Greece, the ones that found themselves on the wrong side of Philautia were accused of hubris. They were the Emperors placing themselves above the gods or, like certain politicians, above the greater good. Going over to the dark side leads to an inflated sense of one’s status, abilities, and accomplishments, accompanied by haughtiness or arrogance. Anyone you know or voted for?

Score 20 points for being a healthy Philautia, and deduct 100 points for being a flaming narcissist.

Agape

This is my very favorite type of Greek love.

Agápe (“aga-pay”) is the love for every living thing on this planet. It is selfless love. The writer C.S. Lewis referred to it as “gift love.” The Theravāda Buddhist call it “mettā” or “universal loving kindness.” It is the unconditional love of humanity. Not just reserved for Popes, Monks, and Gurus, but available to us all every moment we are alive.

It is the basis for empathy. Researchers who measure levels of empathy have noted a decline in the last 40 years, with the steepest decline in the last 5 years. We no longer seem to care about “the other” and have slipped en masse into the darker reaches of Philautia and further away from Agápe.

It is the unconditional love you give without expecting anything in return. Agápe was translated into Latin as “caritas” the origin of the English word “charity.” It is compassion and caring that helps us sympathize, want to help, aid, and connect to people we do not know and may never meet. It is the bridge that crosses all walls.

Bottom line. The world desperately and immediately needs more Agape.

Score 75 points for this type of love each time you expressed as charity or a random act of kindness today.

The Big Takeaway

The message handed down from the Greeks who were smart enough to think and reflect upon love is to find all 6 types. No one is perfect and no one person can give you all 6 types the Greeks identified. So don't just focus on one type and skip all the rest.

The Greek approach to the variety of love can also provide you with some consolation. You can now see how many of the 6 types of love there really are in your life. I suspect that even if Eros is currently away on another hunt, there is a lot more love than you might have imagined. And this should help you stop looking for the perfect lover in all the wrong places. Your partner cannot possibly offer you all 6 varieties of love. If you seek it in one person, you will let them slip away even if they have some of the other types you need. I may have skipped over Eros in the beginning for Pragma but not to fear Eros showed up later.

The 6 types are a moveable feast. You may have one of more at any time in your life. And they change and evolve. Just be open to them all.

Your relationship may begin with plenty of flirty Ludus and evolve into one hot mess of Eros. Let it. But remember the statement about “sustainability”. Make sure to strive for Pragma. Don't fall in love but stand in it with both feet on the ground. Take the time to find yourself on the good side of Philautia. Work consciously towards Philia, and spend more time talking and laughing – or even flirting – with good friends.

And whatever you do, remember to develop your Ludus, and dance the night away.

Your Current Score: ___________

How did you do on the quiz?

I may be making this up, but if you loved what I wrote Ludus includes adding a tip to the Tip Jar.