The 3 Styles of Living & Understanding Life: An Overview + Guide

Which of the following sentences sounds the most like 'you'?

"I'm an overthinker."

"My heart is too big."

"People should stop thinking and feeling so much and just do something."

Life could be described as the sum of the following math equation:

What happens to us + How we process that happening = Life

What happens to us. Each of us lives a one-of-a-kind combination of events and experiences.

+

How we process that happening. Even if we lived the same (or similar) life experiences, we still process things differently from one another (i.e. twins, siblings, couples sitting in the same movie theater, friends watching the same sunset, etc.)

=

Life.

When described this way, do you see how wildly customized and unique Life is for each individual person?

Take a moment and let that understanding land.

There are 8,000,000,000 of us on this planet (right now). Every single one of us is having a unique, one-of-a-kind experience.

Maybe this is just my way of processing life, but I find that pretty fun to think about 🤓

Some of you may find yourself feeling something about that truth, more than wanting to think about it.

Others of you may be thinking, "Good Lord, man, get on with it already."

As unique as we all are, and as one-of-a-kind as our life experiences are, when a life moment first happens to us, we each tend to process that moment initially through one of three preferred 'lenses'.

The 3 Styles of Processing Life

1. Thought
2. Feeling
3. Action

Consider each of these 3 Styles as a mechanism or a machine. When a life moment happens, we 'run' our experience through our preferred 'machine'. We do this so we can better make-sense-of our experience. And, to help us decide what to do next.

When a life moment happens, for some people, the first thing they do is check how they feel about it.

A friend, partner, or sibling standing next to them may first consider what they think about it.

And a third friend's mind may immediately jump to what needs to be done about it.

Keep in mind that this article is an overview. People are intricate and complex, they cannot be fully understood in just a few words. The purpose of this overview is to give an introduction to these 3 Styles.

1. Thought

People centered in Thought tend to be 'more cerebral types'. Has anyone (including yourself) ever accused you of being an 'over-thinker'?

Do you tend to think things through before taking action? (And, if we're being honest, do you sometimes think things through a little too deeply?)

Individuals centered in Thought have a need to understand life. They want to understand why a thing happened... how the mechanism works. By better understanding why a moment unfolded the way it did, they can better prepare for future, similar situations.

The better they are at preparing for future situations, the more successful they can be as they learn and grow.

How are Thought-centered individuals viewed by the other 2 Styles?

When communication is flowing well:

Feeling views Thought as clever and amazingly complex.

Action views Thought as pragmatic and good at planning ahead.

When communication is flowing poorly:

Feeling views Thought as cold and analytical.

Action views Thought as tedious and over-cautious.

2. Feeling

People centered in Feeling tend to be described as 'big-hearted'. Has anyone (including yourself) ever accused you of 'caring too much'?

Does it hurt you to see others in pain? Do you tend to consider how any action you take will make you (or others) feel, before taking that action? (And, if we're being honest, do you sometimes adjust your choices a little too much to try and avoid unpleasant interactions whenever possible?)

Individuals centered in Feeling have a need to experience life. To soak it in. They want to experience how a thing feels. The more deeply they can experience a moment - and all the feelings this conjures within them - the better they can communicate why what-they-are-feeling is important.

The better they are at communicating their experience, the more successful they can be as they learn and grow.

How are Feeling-centered individuals viewed by the other 2 Styles?

When communication is flowing well:

Action views Feeling as warm and adding-a-new-dimension.

Thought views Feeling as considerate and humane.

When communication is flowing poorly:

Action views Feeling as irrelevant and distracting.

Thought views Feeling as irrational and over-sensitive.

3. Action

People centered in Action tend to be 'doers'. Has anyone (including yourself) ever accused you of 'leaping before you look'?

Do you tend to take action first, think about it later (if at all)? (And, if we're being honest, do you sometimes act a little too quickly?)

Individuals centered in Action have a need to participate in life. They want to participate/contribute to what life can be. When? As soon as possible. By participating with concrete action, they build a better life for themselves and everyone impacted by their actions. The more they practice this, the better they can handle future, similar situations.

The better they handle situations, the more successful they can be as they learn and grow.

How are Action-centered individuals viewed by the other 2 Styles?

When communication is flowing well:

Thought views Action as practical and efficient.

Feeling views Action as grounding and helpful.

When communication is flowing poorly:

Thought views Action as rash and over-simplistic.

Feeling views Action as bullying and insensitive.

***

One key to re-emphasize: this is how we initially process a life moment.

Ultimately, we all use all three of these Processing Mechanisms. What makes our style our own can be determined by answering a few simple questions.

A Guide to Determining Your Style

1. Which of the 3 Styles is your initial 'reflex'? Feeling, Thinking, or Acting?

A few example scenarios, to help you become aware of your go-to:

• You are buying a new laptop! How do you select the right laptop for you? (a) Do you research late into the night to find the laptop that best fits your practical needs, budget, and is a quality-made computer? (b) Do you buy the laptop that feels the most like 'you'... the laptop that seems to be the closest expression of yourself that you can find and fits your budget? (c) Or do you just go out and buy the damn thing. It's just a laptop, after all. You can always sell this one and get another one down the road if you need to. Which of these three ways would be the initial way you would approach the laptop-buying scenario? (It's ok if you would use two of them, or even all three. Which one is the thing that happens first?)
• Your supervisor (or an important client, if you are an entrepreneur) requests an unscheduled meeting with you. They give no notes or description of what the meeting is going to be about. What is your initial reaction? (a) Do you wonder what the meeting could be about and rack your brain (and search your email) to try and come up with potential topics so you can better prepare? (b) Do you get a sinking feeling in your stomach and/or find yourself unable to concentrate on anything else because you feel so uneasy? (c) Or do you reply to the calendar invite - maybe you ask them if they can provide any detail on what the meeting is concerning, maybe you don't - and then put it out of your mind until it's time for the meeting? No use dying 1,000 deaths before the execution, right? What's gonna happen, is gonna happen. We'll move forward, when it does. (Again, which of these three modes happens first?)
• You went to see a movie and are walking back to your car/bus stop/home afterward. If you went with a friend, what are you talking with them about; if you went by yourself, what is on your mind? (a) There were some parts that didn't really 'add up' to me. Why would the character make that choice? It didn't make any sense. (b) The way the character was so loyal to their partner - even when their partner couldn't see it... that reminded me of this relationship I had once. (c) The way the main character built a towering accomplishment from nothing was so inspiring. They cut through the nonsense, let nothing stand in their way, and got the thing done. (Which style is the first way you would process the experience?)

In all scenarios, (a) Thinking; (b) Feeling; (c) Action.

1b. Which of the 3 Styles feels like the most important part of any life experience? Thinking, Acting, or Feeling?

Another way of considering Question #1 is to answer this one.

Keep in mind, this may be an unconscious process. So it may not feel like you are overtly thinking to yourself: "Feeling is the most important part of any life experience, therefore, I shall Feel something about this experience before I Think or Act on it."

^It happens more fluidly than that. Gracefully. Usually, quietly. It's just 'the way you do it when you aren't looking'.

That said, answer the above question like you are reading a line of poetry. You are looking for subtlety and hidden meaning.

Except, instead of it being a line in a poem, you are looking for subtlety and hidden meaning in your own behavior.

2. Which of the 3 Styles is your secondary reflex? Acting, Feeling, or Thinking?

Consider the above example scenarios again. What would be the second thing you would consider?

Did it change from one scenario to another? For example, let's say you are a Thinking person initially. (You chose (a) for all three scenarios initially.) But with the laptop-buying scenario, your secondary consideration would be (b) the Feeling priority; whereas with the mysterious meeting scenario, your secondary consideration was (c) the Action priority.

Our Style can be highly fluid, from one scenario to another. Keep this in mind.

The purpose of this Guide is not to have us all putting one another (or ourselves) in labeled buckets. The purpose is twofold:

1. To get to know ourselves better.

2. To open ourselves up to better understanding that others see the world differently from us, and that is sometimes why we seem to have differing opinions about things.

Differing opinions do not always indicate we 'disagree'. Sometimes our opinions differ simply because we process life in a different way from one another.

Do you see how differing opinions is not the same thing as disagreement?

3. Do you view any of the 3 Styles as irrelevant? Silly? A 'wasted' way of looking at life?

This is an important question. Take a moment and sit with it if you need to. Perhaps go back and re-read the example scenarios and the modes that didn't resonate with you. Or, think about some scenarios of your own.

Do you view any of the 3 Styles as a 'wrong way to do it'?

The reason this question is important is because of the following Truth:

The things that make us the most angry, hurt, or emotionally upset are Our Path Forward.

The 'pavestones' of our Inner Path of growth are the things that piss us off the most. The things that hurt us the most deeply. The aspects of our lives we wish would just go away already.

That is our Path.

And it will not change until we do.

If life feels a bit treadmill-ish to you at times, start by looking at the things that make you the most upset.

And if you would like to go deeper from there, but aren't sure what to do next, feel free to book a call together. Maybe we can partner together.

When operating healthily, all 3 Styles are expressed fluidly on an as-needed / as-preferred basis.

The question this Guide hopes to help you answer for yourself is: which Style do you tend to prefer? Which one do you tend to lean on first?

Understanding this quality of yourself can help you keep an eye out for it in others.

Consider the following example: You recognize yourself to be a more Feeling-based person. You find yourself discussing an important issue with someone who feels to you like they might prioritize Thinking about life experiences first.

Does understanding this about them make it easier for you to be accepting of their behavior? If you see them hyper-rationalizing the issue, does this make it easier for you to smile and see this as 'their way', rather than taking it as a personal affront?

Similarly, let's say the other person is an Action-based person. You are talking about how important the issue is to you and expressing your deepest feelings about the issue's meaning. The Action-centered person may wave off much of what you are offering and try to cut through, saying, "So what do you want to do about it?"

Can you now see that that person is not trying to be rude, or cold? The issue may be just as important to them as it is to you. But to them, when an issue is important, the way they express that importance is by 'doing something about it' as soon as possible, addressing the issue directly with concrete action. This is the way their creativity is stoked - by just 'doing'.

As a Feeling-centered individual, your creativity is stoked by tuning into your heart... paying close attention to all the feelings and emotions the issue inspires within you.

Meanwhile, the Thinking-based person's creativity is stoked by brainstorming. Playing out different scenarios and ideas the way a chess player visualizes outcomes of certain moves.

Do you see how all 3 Styles bring something unique and powerful to the table?

Do you see how each one serves a vital role?

Do you see how each one - by itself - is limited? But as a trio, there is no issue or challenge that cannot be tackled and resolved?

We need each other.

And, we need each one of us as individuals, operating as healthily as we can.

We need each of us: Owning our strengths, acknowledging our weaknesses, and working together.

***

If the content of this article resonates with you, it may interest you to know I am currently creating and teaching a new course: The Self-Reflective Elective. This live, online, cohort-based course will be in partnership with Maven and will be launching in the next few weeks.

This course will also be the first of several. Level 1 is designed to help you craft the foundation of your unique approach to Self-Reflection. Subsequent cohorts will build from there.

To that end, if you are interested in Self-Reflection, what would intrigue you to take a course on it? What would make it valuable enough to you to inspire you to prioritize yourself and sign up?

There are many starting points or places we can begin. I want to share that which is most wanted by You... that which You will find most valuable to know.

If you would like to share your thoughts, I have a very short survey linked just below. No strings attached. You're not committing to anything. I'm still in the process of shaping the exact content of the course and your feedback would be part of the 'clay' in that process!

https://maven.com/forms/c4b937

Thank you, again, for being here. You make our world better just by being part of it... as You.

***

https://www.innerconnectivity.com/