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by Char Doswell 3 months ago in single · updated 2 months ago

A look beyond the title.....

There was a girl, and we’ll call her “Kim”....

Kim, like most twenty something year olds wanted a boyfriend, like she really, really wanted a boyfriend and being in a relationship that resembled an Instagram post with the caption “COUPLE GOALS” underneath, seemed to motivate most of Kim’s actions within her everyday life .

Kim was highly educated, pretty and easy to get on with, so after a few months of knowing Kim I started to wonder what was so off, that men didn’t seem interested in establishing a committed relationship with her ?

I began to observe Kim closer, nothing creepy (lol) , But I did start to pay more attention to the things that would usually go over my head, and it wasn’t long after I had taken up the identity as detective, that I had stumbled upon my first clue .

DTF TO DTR ......?!?!

You can’t be DTF (down to fuck ) and DTR (defining the relationship) later, so many women seem to think that if they give a man the “taster cookie ” that he’ll become so pussy whipped that he’ll confess his undying love for her within the hour, but there are so many flaws with this method .

Unless your vagina is paved with GOLD, no man is going to move mountains in order to be with you, and if anything the notion is almost as sexist towards men as it is degrading towards women .

It’s ludicrous to think that another human being is going to want a relationship based on an “okay” shag, and an emotional connection (as overrated as it may sound) is fundamentally just as important to men as it is to women when it comes to choosing a life partner .

Kim seemed to think that if she gave a great experience ASAP in the bedroom that it would later be rewarded with a relationship, regardless of the timespan spent together, or (lack of) connection when first meeting .

So as Kim leaves the bedroom to wash Dave-I- Didn’t-Quite-Catch-His-Last-Name from her hair, Dave is left wondering.....

“How many other dudes has Kim screwed within the first few hours of meeting them....? “


Affairs aren’t romantic, they’re seedy, tacky and are usually very traumatic for all parties involved ....

But some women have the idea that it’s their obligation to swoop in and save a man from “that bitch” who doesn’t appreciate him, and I have no clue why any woman thinks that an affair is a good foundation to start any relationship .

First of all, you now know what he is capable of doing to you and any other woman for that fact, and I can assure you that he won’t trust you enough to leave his relationship to take the chance on your flakey ass .

The Scarlett woman is rarity, and not every woman possesses the power to walk into another persons life and turn them into an obsessive bumbling idiot, that’s why the bitch is called Scarlett and not “that Hoe over there ..”

Romance novels, television shows and movies have all implanted the idea into women’s heads that stealing a man from another women is normal, when really it just shows a lack of integrity .

Kim often attempted to turn men’s heads, and I would catch her out at parties talking closely to someone else’s boyfriend in the corner of the room.....

I couldn’t help but cringe inside when she’d stroke their arms, slowly, looking deeply into their eyes as she spoke to them in order to entice them away .

This left me wondering if Kim even cared what type of man she even had, and I begun to notice that I wasn’t the only one noticing her tactics, as one by one the woman in Kim’s life started to turn on her .


For years great woman have fought tirelessly, making the message clear that these are our bodies and that we can do what we want with them .

But these women promote CHOICE, not self destruction .....

If Kim loved to have no strings attached sex, and wasn’t using sex as a tool to make a man fall in love with her then Kim would be an inspiration, only sleeping with other consenting adults who also love to do the nasty and were also free to do so .

But Kim wasn’t being liberal in her efforts to connect with someone, and in the progressive world that we live in I honestly think that Kim should’ve felt more comfortable with saying the words “I’m actually looking for a serious relationship “ than she was with letting some dude that she’d just met slip inside of her vagina .

Lots of men are in limbo too , and I think that if we want to make our messages clear, that as women we all have choices, then we shouldn’t hide in the grey areas ..

Doing one something, in the hopes that a man will read our minds and ultimately do the opposite is so 1950’s, especially in a world where women have screamed at men for decades to give us a voice and to stop assuming .

It pained my soul watching Kim’s misguided formula to find love, and I began to feel really bad for her, so everyday I would go on and on at her about body confidence, self love and the power of feminism, Kim was lovely, she wasn’t a bad person, and I had really started to like her .


I think the worst thing that people have to contend with is themselves, and I know for a fact that Kim’s mission to find a man no matter the cost was nothing more then a person in need of genuine affection .

We all have our issues and as humans I think we should show a little more compassion towards people who are clearly acting in the wrong way for all the right reasons , and I truly believe that this pattern can happen to anyone.......

Hear me out !!

I think that most women that society label as hoes, slags, Jezebel’s or loose are actually seeking validation through sex and I don’t think that we can label a person as a HOE when they are actually just a victim of themselves .

Kim had low self esteem and I wonder what kind of man would even find that attractive, probably not the type of fellow that any parent would want to see their daughter with, because men who prey on women with blatant low self esteem issues in order to have sex with them are predators and that is a fact !

Everyone around Kim was pushing the narrative that Kim wasn’t girlfriend marital , and that only forwarded her mission to try and prove them otherwise, by using the only asset that Kim thought she had (her body) and thus the cycle continued....

Who knew that five guys from last year, would turn into six more dudes this year and so on, when all that Kim ever wanted was one ?!!

Kim didn’t intend on adding an extra notch to her bedpost every time she’d meet a new man that could potentially be a boyfriend, she’d just made bad choices time and time again, she basically betted on the “wrong horse” when it came to navigating or reading these situations as they presented themselves .

Naivety doesn’t make you a “Hoe”, nor does wanting to be loved, yet as each failed conquest of Kim’s grew, so did Kim’s title of “most likely to fuck” .


I get it, we’re females, and I can clap back and talk shit about the next bitch, just as well as you can.....but eventually don’t we all grow up ?

The wicked truth is that although we like to think that “society” is holding women back, “society” also includes your mouth, your opinions, your actions and basically where you stand on things .

Your contribution to conversations have an impact, and it wasn’t until I actually started to voice my discomfort of the way that Kim was being perceived by our so called friends and colleagues that I actually felt like I was doing something productive .

This whole time that I had been watching Kim, I had been judging her life choices, patronising her with my “knowledge”, and was no better then everyone else around her, I had no clue about how Kim was feeling, what she had been through in life to warrant her actions, and more importantly I am not perfect .


Although I know that Kim’s lifestyle was definitely destructive, I also believe that we all have our paths to follow, Kim’s journey was no different then anyone else’s, we all have our obstacles in life, so I decided to change my attitude ....

If I heard anyone talking trash about Kim I’d pull them up, I’d express that she was my friend and that “I PERSONALLY DO NOT CARE FOR THEIR OPINIONS” ...

I also started to check in with Kim whenever she went on a date, I wanted to make it clear to these men that Kim was loved and that her absence would be very much noticed if she failed to show up for work the next morning, talking extra loudly so I could be heard on the other end of her iPhone .

I figured that Kim’s safety was more important to me then her reputation, that i actually valued her more as a human being who was very much safe and alive, then one who was hiding what she was doing and dead !

I also told Kim that I was always there for her without judgment, I felt that she needed to actually hear those words, I didn’t like what she was doing but only because I wanted her to be whole and happy, not because I gave a shit about what anyone thought, which was true, because I didn’t .


After years of the same cycle Kim called me one evening to tell me that she was done, she was done with feeling used and worthless and after a lengthy conversation, she had settled on going back to her native country in order to take some time for herself .

Kim was now through with men and was she was going to invest every ounce of her time on HERSELF !

The holiday was quiet, Kim mostly stayed with family and only visited with close friends, mainly out of the fear of falling off the wagon and into bed with another handsome stranger .

One day Kim was out to brunch with her sister (in close proximity), and they both noticed a man as he stood up, and began to casually approach their table .

Kim immediately looked up from her pouched eggs, wondering what tf this dude was doing ??

The man tells Kim that she is beautiful in their language and then he politely asks Kim for her number, however a strong Kim declines .

A few days later Kim sees the same man inside of the newsagents while escorting her grandfather to get his morning paper, the man smiles as he greets Kim’s grandfather by name, and then the two are formally introduced .

“Do you not remember him ?” Kim’s elderly grandfather asks her .

It turns out that Kim had known Elliot since infancy, and after a long winded recollection from the old man of how the two young adults were once in love as small toddlers, Kim’s grandfather invites Elliot over for supper .

Everyday Kim sees Elliot and everyday Kim fights with herself to not notice Elliots interest in her, until eventually she tells him that she isn’t ready for anything intimate, but she’d love to be good friends.

Kim did like Elliot , but she couldn’t be sure if she really liked him or if she was just super horny so she perseveres with her promise of celibacy, and as a two week vacation turned into a month, they become almost inseparable .

It turns out that they had a lot in common, and I remember talking to Kim as she explained her new dilemma, now that she had strong feelings for Elliot, she didn’t know how to initiate intimacy between them .

Since kim had put Elliot in the friend zone, Elliot had been nothing but a pure gentleman, even apologising if his hand accidentally brushed against hers as they both reached for the remote, and Kim now felt really awkward about having to give Elliot actual and literal consent to touch her .

I couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony of the whole situation, the fact that Kim had never been so uptight about having full blown sex with guys who weren’t worthy of her toenail clippings, compared to how mindful she was being when it came to Elliot was unbelievable and I reassured her that it’ll all happen organically .

There was no point in stressing out about something that was supposed to be exciting, and if Kim was anxious about it, then maybe she still wasn’t ready .


I know that Kim was smug as she walked down the isle, Hell I was smug for her, and as she passed every bitch that had once looked down their noses at her, Kim knew that she had won .

I looked around the large chapel and I quickly noticed that none of the other women had dates, and then the fog lifted !!

I realised that the word “HOE” was not just referring to women like Kim but to every woman in the world . ...“That Hoe over there ....” actually meant me, my mother, my grandmother and every other woman that had suffered adversity in their lives, which is all of us !

We’re all “Hoe’s” to this game called life, to our struggles, our demons and our past experiences, and I for one will never look at the word the same again .

It DOESN’T even make sense for a start.....

Victims can’t be “Hoes” and any woman who takes full ownership of her body is what you call a BAD BITCH, there’s no in between and with that knowledge it’s hard to even tell where the label “Hoe” belongs .

Because using words like Hoe, slag, slut or trick as a negative representation of a female is just moronic, especially when women throughout history have already shown us that what these words actually mean is traumatised, insecure, or woman who does not feel worthy of love .

And I don’t think that’s something to punish or belittle anyone for .....



Char Doswell

4 the self destructive 🦋

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