Thank you, Mama!

"Mama" This beautiful word means "grandma" in my native language. It's also a synonym for the word "mother", but we usually use it for "granny". This only one word carries a whole magical world for me. My grandma is my biggest admirer. She never ever missed a chance to say: "I'm proud of you", and I know that it comes from her cristal clear heart. I could not wish for a better grandmother. Dear Mama, ever since I was born, you were standing right next to me in case I'd fall, and when I did, you always caught me... Do you remember when I was a few-years-old toddler, and my parents drove me to the nearby village, where you lived for so long and I spent every weekend there, playing in the garden with your dog? And when I got bored, we went for a walk on the streets. I always brought my little three-wheeled scooter too. Or we watched films together on your old television. And I remember, when you made fried chicken legs for me, my favourite food... I had no idea about how cruel life would be to you... But these days has changed. Time passed ruining everything we built together. You moved out in order to be closer to us and hoping we could spend more time as a family, but your grandchildren grew up, including me and we only cared about our phones avoiding each other... Toni, your old dog died, your old TV went wrong, the majestic furniture that was the only memory of our carefree life got old, and you threw it away... with all of the good memories... You are aging and have to deal with more and more health issues... I wish I could help you... or at least just make your life easier... I'm writing these lines while crying, knowing that I can't stop time. Now I understand why did Jesus say that everything in this world is temporary... You're the most generous and kind-hearted person I've ever met... You never curse, or want to hurt anyone. Why is the world hurting you then? I don't understand... I want, but I don't... Last time you bursted into tears and said that you wanted to die... That gave me the most painful feeling I've ever had... I know we don't have a perfect family... Who does? Problems are everywhere. Once you told me that you'd like to see me growing up, getting married and having your great-grandchildren. Remember? And now you wanna die? Please explain me, I don't get it... And you know what the worst part was? That I haven't recognised what was going on earlier... How long had you been hiding your depression? Your negative thoughts? Your will to die? I'm blaming myself since then for not noticing the horrible truth behind your honest-like, yet forced smile... I'm so sorry... I know, you've been lonely for many years, and I know you can't bring your husband back to life... I know that nothing can bring back those days... What I don't know is how can I fix our family... I'm in the dorm on weekdays, and I'm only home for the weekend... I wish I had more time like long ago, when we lived happier...

As you're aging, you're forgetting as well... You don't remember the sweetest presents you gave me... it hurts a lot... I'm afraid it will continue... I don't want you to forget me ever... my name, my personality, my memory... I want you to remember... I know you don't understand English. You're so innocent, you don't even have a smartphone... just an old mobile... Yet I'm amazed how satisfied you are with it... I know you don't have internet access, and that's why you probably won't be reading this ever... But since it's a message for you, I'll definitely find a way to translate and tell it to you as soon as possible. When I was little, I needed you. You inspired me, your eternal smile stuck with me, you made me keep going. And you still do... The only difference is that now you need me too... And I promise, that I'll do my best to make your life happier!

Finally I'm leaving a picture here... it's not you that's sitting in the armchair, but there's a cat laying in the woman's hands. You also had a cat, remember? She loved to wander and was very friendly with strangers... too friendly... One day she never came back... She was taken away... I'm sorry for your cat... she must've been cute... You said that her fur was grey. That kitten on the image reminds me of her, even if I never saw your cat...

I love you till the last beat of my heart!

Anna