Ten Reasons Why You Need a Straight Pride Parade

Dear Readers,

It took me a while to write this. Not sure why; sometimes I blame work. But I thought I would do it before Pride Month ends. As someone who grew up in a divided household, this is targeted to those special individuals that have not felt safe due to being around what they call a social epidemic, The Gay Agenda. I know, not only do they have a whole month to brainwash our children, they also get to be gay for the rest of their lives. Who would have thought being gay was not just a phase? It is becoming the new norm and you, the Straights, feel you need the same rights. Please, refer to this article whenever you feel like explaining your Straight Pride.

Let me help you guys out; you need Straight Pride because:

1. You have to look far to see yourselves in mainstream society and pop-culture.

Actually, you don't. Most of your favorite movies have straight people as protagonists. And most music videos. And TV shows...

2. You may be denied medical care and other services for being heterosexual.

Wait, no. That's us. You may also donate blood at your discretion. You can adopt freely in all states too, Bro!

3. You are not supported by your parents and have been excluded all of family events just because of who you truly love.

How dare they? Hold on a sec... wait a minute... nope. Once again, not you.

4. Being a heterosexual is punishable by death in thirteen countries.

According to USA Today, there are countries that believe you liking someone with different genitals than yours is enough to kill you. I am sorry, dude. Correction: being gay. Never mind. You are safe.

5. The bible says you are going to hell.

*cricket, cricket, cricket *

Bonus: *occasional owl*

6. You were bullied and beaten by your classmates for being Straight.

And your teachers did nothing to help you.

7. You always wondered about what is it like to not being able to legally get married.

*Starts sobbing while chocking on red wine and ice cream.*

Why do you not have Straight Marriage?! Oh. That's right, you actually do. Silly me.

*Keeps devouring ice cream.*

8. You are the victims of terrible crimes because of Straightness.

You are not victims of terrible crimes because of Straightness.

9. People do not understand your journey as a straight individual.

I mean, the world already knows about LGBT History. Right? Kids learn it all year at schools (they don't, by the way. At least not all of them). It is your turn! This is discrimination against you (chances are you have never been discriminated against, so shut up).

10. It took so much courage for you to come out.

You didn't. You did not need to come out for the world to know.

I sincerely hope this help you understand why you may not need a Straight parade. I am sure Brad Pitt has given those straight boys from Boston his answer; I heard they made him their mascot for their straight parade. But who knows? It may not even happen. Hopefully it doesn’t happen. Hopefully we have a purge that annihilates all you bigots in a flash of white light. But I digress. The truth is you are all frightening. And slightly stupid. But we love you and tolerate you either way (sometimes though). As a bonus, the summary is that you don’t need a straight parade because you have never been a victim. Thank you for coming to my #TEDTalk. Goodbye.

Much Love,

AO