Temporary Infinity

Isaiah,

I am sad, and this sucks. Reasons for the suckiness are:

I miss you.

You were my boyfriend, and now we can barely speak to each other.

All of my closest friends are your friends, and I kind of feel like I lost all of you at once. I feel myself and comfortable around you, now I feel as though you avoid me, making me think you don’t want me around or hate me. Can we really be just friends if we still care that much? Boyfriend or not, I still love you. I think we should try. I’m so tired of crying. If you are sad, I’d like to be there and help you, too. Let’s keep trying to talk and it will get easier.

I tried to be angry at first. I didn’t try to be angry until I felt like you were avoiding me and ignoring me for the first couple of days. I thought if I tried to make myself mad at you for ignoring/avoiding me then I wouldn’t be sad, but I just couldn’t do it. I could never be or stay mad at you. I thought after 3 years of being this close we would still be friends like nothing had changed, but I was naïve and stupid. I thought you knew how much you actually mean to me. Did I do something wrong?

It just hurts so much because we did everything together and now we don’t and the things I used to enjoy hurt.

And I still care a lot. I don’t know how to stop caring or loving you just because we didn’t spend enough time with each other at times. I guess I care too much and even though I’ve been hurt a lot, I still give all of myself to people.

It hurts because I still want to spend 24/7 with you, but I don’t know if you want me there. I’m sick of crying. It just takes so much out of me. And, time isn’t making it better. It’s another day without you there and I feel totally alone. I mean I have my parents, but it’s not the same as having you there.

I tried to spend as much time with you as I could. I don’t know what else I could have done. With all of the stress and everything I was going through before this, I was already starting to break. I still feel as though I’m holding on by a thread. I was trying to do so much and be in 10 places at once. I still am.

I wasn’t getting much sleep before and now I think I’m getting less. I try to distract myself with school work. I do even more than I did beforehand. It’s all I really do now. I have to keep going because the world keeps spinning even if it feels like mine is falling apart. I haven’t taken any time to take care myself like I should. I don’t want to stop and think because I’ll start feeling bad, and overthink everything again and again. It just makes it all hurt twice as much and I start crying again. Every time I think I’m finally ok, I just start crying again.

Now it’s getting to the point where it’s hard to get my work done. Thursday night I cried for at least 4 hours and didn’t get any work done. I just couldn’t concentrate. I didn’t end up starting it until 9:30 and I gave up by 12:30 because I just wasn’t getting it done. I don’t think there’s been a day where I’ve gotten to bed before 11:30 and I was lucky if that happened. I just try to do so many things and as perfectly as possible because I’m scared to let people down. I’ve been stretching myself too thin. I feel like I’m giving up when I ask for the help and support I need. I feel like people think I’m weak if I do. That’s why I would never tell you how bad I’m doing until I almost can’t go on with it. It’s not like I didn’t feel like I couldn’t tell you, it’s that I didn’t want you to worry. I feel like a burden to others when I tell them about my problems and stuff. That’s why I tell everyone I’m fine or okay. I was pretty much at my breaking point when we broke up. I was just putting on a mask. I just feel bad when I tell people I’m not doing well because I feel like it makes them feel bad. Normally, in the past, I could turn to you for help, even before we started dating. Having you there helped me more than you will ever know. Now I don’t know, and I feel like you might not want to hear it.

I tried so hard and now everything is just falling apart before my eyes and I feel like there’s nothing I can do.

I’m closer to you than anyone else in the world.

When I was little, I started getting bullied when I was about 7. This just got increasingly worse throughout middle school. In 5th, all these girls and other people I had thought to be my friends all my life started bullying me, targeting me, and stabbed me in the back. By the time I was in 6th grade, I just started hiding my feelings from everyone and closing myself off. I was just so scared of getting hurt. I put up these walls around myself. I just didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. And, I stopped asking for help and didn’t want to. This was because the girls knew I would tell on them and that just made them bully me more. That’s why it’s so hard for me to ask for help now. I fear that there will be backlash. They would also bully me more for crying and now I try to hide my tears from everyone. The teachers never fixed anything. I spent more time in the principal’s office than they ever did and that made me feel like this was somehow my fault.

So going into 9th grade, I told myself that I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I wasn’t going to get close to anyone. I was just going to hide behind my walls and thought this would keep me from getting hurt. I was so scared of going through the same thing I experienced in middle school.

I was so nervous on the first day of school. I met Noah that day because we were in the same group and became friends immediately, so that made me feel a little better I guess. As time went on, I started talking to a few more people in our grade, but I was still pretty closed off and was still scared of opening up to people.

Then I met you. It was like the walls I’d built weren’t even there. From day one, I felt like I’d known you my whole life and I could tell you anything and everything. I felt like I was really close to you right from the start. And, that was a really big thing for me. I was never even this close with Ryan, and we’ve been friends since kindergarten.

You are the one person that I’m closest to in this world. I’ve told you things that I haven’t even told my mom. I’ve just always felt so comfortable around you and can be myself. Everything I told you was straight from the heart. And, when I’m with you talking or just sitting, it’s like everything else falls away. The stress, the anxiety, and sadness, none of it matters when I’m with you.

And, I fell in love with YOU. With your personality, your kindness, your little mannerisms, everything. Becoming friends with Noah, Jacob, and most of all you, made me realize that I want to have friends again. It made me realize that I didn’t want to or have to go through high school closed off from everyone. It made me want to be happy again. It made me realize that not all people are bad and want to hurt you. I finally wanted to be better. With depression, you’ll never get better even with help unless you really, truly want to. Even if you think you want to be happy, you kind of subconsciously think you deserve the pain and misery, and I don’t know why. You just kind of pity yourself and think the whole world is against you.

Having you three and others helped me take the next step for me to get better even though you didn’t know. It took me a long time, like almost through sophomore year, but I finally broke down the walls.

I think that’s why sophomore year was so hard for me. That was uncharted territory for me. I had had those walls up for so long that it felt like they were a part of me. But, that’s the interesting thing, they were never there for you. You really are something special, you know that? And, you were there for me every step of the way.

And, I don’t want to make it sound like you “save me” because you didn’t. I made the ultimate decision to make myself better. And, I don’t want to make it sound like I just fell in love with you because I needed someone because I didn’t. I fell in love with YOU.

You made me feel like I mattered even when my mind tried to tell me I didn’t. It was the little things that mean the most to me, like getting to curl up on the couch under a blanket with you, and sitting with you on the pep band bus. And, being in your arms. Your hugs made me feel loved and safe. Sometimes, that’s all I needed to make it through the day. Even just the feeling of your hand in mine was reassuring and I loved that. It was the little reassuring gestures that helped me a lot.

This is going to sound really lame, but one of the memories that sticks out the most for me probably seems like one of the most insignificant. It was back in sophomore year when we were riding the bus to Gustavus for pep band. This was before you had asked me out. I remember this so clearly. I remember that you were kinda trying to hold my hand. You would put yours next to mine and almost touch it, but you wouldn’t grab it. And, this sounds stupid, but I was actually really nervous. I remember thinking to myself ‘Does Isaiah want to hold my hand? I think he does, but what if he doesn’t and I grab his hand?’ I didn’t know what to do for the longest time, but I finally took a leap of faith and put my hand in yours. That actually took a lot of courage for me. The second I did I knew I had made the right choice. And, I just remember sitting there in the seat next to you in the dark sharing my blanket. I still remember this like it was yesterday. It was dark and we couldn’t really see each other, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered in that moment was the feeling and warmth of your hand in mine.

It was after that night that a realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I was head-over-heels in love with you.

You’re the one that built me up, and I never thought you’d be the one to make it all come crumbling down.

One thing that really hurt was the homecoming football game. For the last 3 years, you’re the one I would always be with at football games. So, I went to the game, and I went and stood where I always do. The first thing I did was look around and think to myself ‘Where’s Isaiah? I wonder when he’s going to come over here,’ like I always did. It took me a few seconds to realize that you wouldn’t be coming, not now, and probably never again. I guess old habits die hard, right?

I think that’s the moment I broke. Up until that point, I kind of thought I would be okay, but I also thought we would still talk and spend time together. I would give anything to try and fix this, but I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

And it hurts. It hurts more than I ever thought it would.

Heartbreak is nothing like how it’s portrayed in movies. In the movies, it’s romanticized. The girl still looks beautiful when she cries. It always ends up with the girl and guy getting back together. There’s always a happy ending.

It’s not at all like that in real life. It’s ugly and you sob until your whole body and mind hurts. And, sometimes it feels like you can’t go on, and sometimes you don’t want to. It fucking hurts and there’s no happy ending. You cry and cry for hours on end, and sometimes your eyes still hurt the next day. And, sometimes it hurts so bad you can’t cry and it feels like you can’t breathe.

A huge part of my life is just gone with a blink of an eye. And, I don’t know how to get it back or if I ever can.

I just feel so lost on what to do. My mind just keeps going back to the question of ‘Why?’

You truly loved me right? Right? Well, if you did then how could you do this to me? If you cared then how could you walk away? I don’t want to sound mean or angry because I’m not. I just don’t know how you stop loving or caring for someone. I don’t understand. I don’t know if I rather believe you never loved me in the first place or accept that you stopped. I really want you to tell me why. I need to hear your side of the story. I want to know what you think and how you feel. I don’t want to make this all about me. I don’t understand why you won’t tell me. I just feel like maybe I’ll get some closure if you explain why. And, most of all, I want to make sure you truly are okay. I still care about you. I really want to be there if you need someone.

And even if I don’t fully understand why we broke up, I know we really weren’t spending enough time together recently. And, I just feel so bad. I feel like I hurt you by not being there. I never wanted to do that to you. I just want you to be happy. Is this really what you wanted?

I would do anything to try and make you happy.

If this is really what you wanted, then I’ll just have to live with it. I just want you to be happy even if that means giving up my relationship with you.

Because, even if I feel like shit, at least I’ll know you’re okay and happy, and that’s all I want.

Maybe this is why I get hurt. I always put everyone before myself.

But what I don’t get is that you say you miss me. Do you still care or not? Do you still love me? And, you also say that you’ll be there if I need someone. Well, I need you more than ever and I don’t feel like you’re there.

You know what really hurts about all of this? I feel like you’re a thousand miles away from me, but you’re not. You’re still right there close to me every day. Our lockers are close to each other’s. We eat lunch at tables next to each other. In 4th block, you sit in front of me directly in my line of sight, so no matter where I look I can still see you there.

It hurts so much. It hurts every day to drag myself to school and see you there every day and want nothing more than to talk to you. And, it hurts so much because every day I just want to throw myself into your arms and have the pain go away. You’re so close and yet so far away.

Even though you broke my heart, I still want you to be the one to fix it. I still want to give it to you even though it feels like it’s in pieces.

It hurt when I came and sat by you at lunch today. You told me when we talked Thursday that you try really hard to still talk to me and stuff, but when I came over and sat by you, you didn’t really respond or acknowledge me. (Do you want me there?) I’m really trying to get better and fix this, but I can’t do this on my own.

I honestly don’t know if getting my thoughts out there will change anything. I don’t feel like it will. I’m just so scared that it will somehow make things worse than they already are, but I can’t keep my thoughts to myself anymore. No matter what happens, at least I told you everything.

I guess I just thought you would always be there. The ones you love aren’t supposed to leave you, or at least you never thought they would.

You know what’s interesting? Have you ever tried to think back to the last moment you spent with someone? I bet it’s kinda blurry and you can’t really remember it. That’s because you never thought it was going to be the last. You just assumed there would always be more to memories to make.

How fucked are you when all the sappy love and break up songs now apply to how you feel?

It’s been over a month and it actually hurts more than it did at the start.

Wanna hear something really sappy and stupid? I had a dream about me and you together. In the dream, it was just me and you. We were just talking and walking together. I don’t remember what we were talking about but I was giggling. You had your arm around me and you were messing with me. I ended up falling, but you pulled me into your arms, so I fell on top of you. You were smiling at me and I was laughing so hard, and you pulled me down so you could kiss me.

It was like one of those stereotypical scenes from a shitty chick flick.

Then, later on, we were up on the hill behind my house. We were laying close to each other on the grass. We were on our backs looking up at the sky with our hands together between us. We would take turns pointing at the clouds saying what we think they looked like. Another chick flick moment.

I felt so, so happy in these dreams. I woke up in the morning and realized nothing like this would ever happen again. It hurt so much. It still hurts.

I really wish that I could have spent every second of every day with you and wish I still could. But, I really wasn’t giving you the time of day you deserve. You deserve better than me. I’m not special or anything. You deserve a girlfriend you can dolt on you all the time. You’re such an amazing person and you should be with someone equally amazing.

And, as I sit here in this seat alone in the dark on the pep band bus, I can’t help but think about that memory, close my eyes, and imagine you’re right here beside me.