Talking to Moths

Diana dabbed at her hair, making one last futile attempt to flatten the rogue strands on top of her head. A small gray moth had been fluttering around her bathroom, finally landing on the mirror within reach. Diana grabbed a glass sitting on the counter and patiently waited for the fuzzy insect to climb up the side so she could safely cup her hand over it and lead the moth to freedom, opening the bathroom window with her other hand.

“Dee, come on!” Her roommate drawled as the moth drifted out into the evening air. Diana’s stomach turned; she didn’t feel up for this date that her roommates had set up for her, but they had worked so hard to make the preparations. She couldn’t just say no she told herself—not after Amber had given her far too much information about him, preceded by how incredibly lucky she was that he had agreed to the arrangement. Conventionally, he was attractive, Diana could agree to that, but she just wasn’t interested. She was still struggling to remember his name.

Giving herself one last look over in the mirror Diana stepped out of the bathroom, still holding the glass she had used to catch the moth. Both of her roommates leaned over the kitchen counter, like judges assessing a cake at the county fair. One of them deflated her with a thick layer of fake compliments, like fondant icing. Confidence sucking vampires.

“Is that my wine glass?” Amber asked, her tone accusatory as she grabbed it, “Oh gross, it has glitter in it or something.”

Diana avoided an explanation by tugging on her runners and stepping out the door. Just a casual date at a casual bar with a man. No big deal, she told herself as her deodorant failed to keep even a five-minute promise. Her roommates graciously drove her to the bar. Diana avoided eye contact from the back seat the entire drive while they gossiped about who-knows-what.

“Bye sweet Dee,” they mocked, blowing kisses out the window as Diana made her way inside. She surveyed the crowd. It was easy to spot him, but her eyes kept going, resting on a woman at the bar. She was in jeans and a tank top like Diana. Her long red hair was swept down her back, smooth and shiny. Their eyes met and then Diana made the boldest move of her life. She asked the woman, “Is this seat taken?”

The woman smiled, “Is now.”

Diana sat, the heat in her face gradually rising as she struggled to think of something to say. What do you say to a woman you find attractive? Compliment her? Offer her a drink? Maybe her name. Just ask her name! Her mind screamed but her mouth refused to say even the simplest words.

Before Diana could find her voice the conventionally-attractive-date touched her on the shoulder, “I think you are the one I’m looking for.”

Diana felt frozen in place, the panic clawing at her insides. She could not have a date with this man. Absolutely not.

“Hey, common, aren’t you Diana?” The man said, unimpressed, “Amber just texted me saying you were here.”

The red-headed woman set down the glass of red wine she had been holding and looked at the man, her gaze unfaltering, “You are mistaken sir. This is my girlfriend.”

She put a hand on Diana’s leg. Diana could only nod, still paralyzed by anxiety.

“Whatever,” he finally said, ordering a beer and moving into the crowd. When she lost sight of him Diana let go of the breath she had been holding. Her face grew red again as she realized the woman was still looking at her.

“I’m Red,” the woman said, “It isn’t a nickname.”

“I’m Dee. It is a nickname,” Diana managed to finally force the words out, “Can I buy you a drink?”

“Actually... I was thinking of going for a drive. Would you like to join me? Once my glass of Merlot settles out.”

“A drive? I could drive you,” Diana found herself saying. Too eager she knew, but she couldn’t just let this woman leave after that encounter. Red seemed to think it over, swirling her glass of Merlot, “Alright Dee. You’ve got a deal, but I have a question first. Why did you sit next to me?”

Diana’s cheeks burned again. She twirled a strand of hair around her finger, thinking about it.

“Dee, come on.”

“I’m a lesbian,” Diana blurted out suddenly, “And it’s not Dee. It’s Diana.”

Diana covered her face in shame, “I haven’t told anyone.”

“Oh,” Red said, then, when the information had really sunk in, “Oh! Well, Diana!” She leaned in to whisper in Diana’s ear, “I’m a lesbian too.”

They smiled at each other. Diana quickly broke eye contact, still too nervous to know what to say. Once Red paid her tab Diana followed her outside. Holding the door open for her, Red asked, “So a drive then? Do you like moths?”

“Moths?”

“Yeah, you know, like butterflies but hairy?”

“I’ve never really thought about it...”

“Well trust me, after tonight you will love moths,” Red grinned, leading Diana to her car down the street. This is crazy! Diana’s mind screamed as she sat in the driver’s seat of the SUV. Her hands became slick with sweat as she struggled to get the key into the ignition. She forced herself to pause, taking a deep breath.

Red looked at her, “You do know how to drive, right?”

Diana laughed nervously, nodded, “Of course. Where to?”

“You know the conservation area on the edge of town? I’ve got a study site set up, right on the edge of the woods.”

“Okay,” Diana followed Red’s instructions, parking in the almost empty lot. Red had been telling her about moths the entire drive, Diana nodding along. She had no idea what a Eumorpha pandora was or what an Antheraea polyphemous looked like.

“Oh, this is going to be fun. I usually don’t have company for my nightly observations. Good thing I always keep an extra set of equipment with me,” Red told her as she opened the trunk of her SUV, passing a sweater and a headlamp to Diana before putting on one of each herself. She passed Diana a lamp and pulled out a battery pack, leading the way along a narrow path at the edge of the woods, “You know there are 3,688 species of moth just in Ontario. Hopefully, some beauties show up tonight.”

Diana passively followed, carefully stepping over tree roots. A question had been burning the inside of her brain, “Hey Red, why were you at that bar?”

“Oh, I was on a blind date. It was awful—she thinks insects are gross. So, I told her it would never work and decided I’d finish my wine and then go catalog some moths for the night. I mean, I do that every night anyway but uh…” Her voice trailed off for a moment, “Yeah. Here we are.”

Red pointed to a simple open tent structure in the grass. Like a child’s idea of a tent with a sheet hung over a wire. Red set up the battery and light inside the tent and pulled out a couple of lawn chairs, “And now we wait for our fuzzy little friends to show up.”

Diana looked up at the sky, the stars were just starting to come out. She had been to this conservation area many times before, but never at night. Diana took in a deep breath, enjoying the scent of damp cedar and mud as the sky darkened further. Red plopped down into her chair, “So, how does it feel?”

Diana looked at her confused, “How does what feel?”

“To tell someone who you are.”

“Good, I think?” Diana wasn’t entirely sure yet, “I’ll have to tell my roommates.”

Red waited until it was clear Diana wasn’t going to say anything more on the matter, “I was young when I figured out my sexuality, but it was still confusing. If I could pass on some unsolicited advice—do what makes you happy. Be yourself. Not everyone will like it but those that matter will stick it out.”

Red pulled out a notebook and pencil, “And if nobody wants to listen you can always talk to the moths. They are great at keeping secrets.”

She flicked on her headlamp and stood before the tent, scribbling down names of species in her notebook. Diana sat in the other lawn chair for a moment, thinking about what Red had said as a giant moth fluttered towards her, stopping to rest on her hand, “Red? What is this one called?”

It was large with pale green wings, an eyespot on each. Beautiful and ethereal. Red took a glance, “Actias luna. Commonly known as a luna moth. The eyespots are for intimidating would-be predators.”

Diana leaned in towards the moth, whispering, “I’ve been lying to everyone my entire life Luna. I’m gay. What do you think about that?”

The moth’s fuzzy antenna twitched, its wings moved up for a heartbeat, then down. It remained there for another minute before drifting off towards the woods. Diana, feeling like the fist that had been clenching her heart had finally relaxed, joined Red, asking about every moth they saw. She asked how Red had started working as a lepidopterist, what types of jobs and schooling she had done. Then more about how she had come to terms with her own sexuality.

The sun was just starting to come up when Red drove Diana back to her apartment. Even though she only saw Red a few times after that, the woman’s words stuck with her. Moths really were great listeners.

_____________________________________________

If you enjoyed this bit of fiction, please support my work with a heart and check out my other articles! As this is the first draft, I’d appreciate constructive criticism. Let me know what you thought on FB, Twitter, or Insta @akelseyreich.

Written by Kelsey Reich on March 31/2021 in Ontario, Canada.