Take a Deep Breath

Alyssa woke up to the sound of wind blowing through the newly burgeoning buds of the trees coming out of winter hibernation. Sitting on the edge of my bed, she looked out the window of her ground floor bedroom to see the sun-kissed dew drops glistening on the grass and the jaunty squirrels and birds collecting their morning meal.

"Take a deep breath, come on, you can do this."

Repeating this mantra again and again as she closed her eyes and pursed her lips, sucking in some air and expelling it slowly. In the distance, Alyssa saw the same boat that comes by every day. The boat is perched right on the border where sea meets sky. 3 miles away, that's how far the average human eye can see across the level water surface. That's how far away this marine vessel is, but to her, it seems like a whole eternity away. The stern, with its white lights alit like beady eyes , was staring back at her. Smaller and smaller it got until it disappeared over the horizon. The waves lapped along towards the shore and the morning sky, deep red with clouds like smeared chalk, warned her about what could happen to that small floating vehicle. It was a disconcertingly pleasant scene to be looking out over.

She opened her eyes and stood up, toes curling into the soft rug on the ground under her. Alyssa took her time in the shower, letting the warm water rain down, the soap washing off her drop by drop. She let the stale air of her modest apartment dry her off as she ate a quick, passable breakfast. After getting dressed and ready for the day, she walked along the bustling streets, passing by scores of people who are making their way through their own experiences, challenges, journeys just like her. She always thought about just how alone we all are together. Do they all have that nagging feeling of breaking free from something? Are they putting on a smile that hides the fact that they are biting the inside of their cheek or gritting their teeth? What are they feeling when they are left to wander their own mind's eye? What is their boat?

She remembered it like it was yesterday. Stepping onto the scrappy red boat as an eager, wide-eyed 7-year-old, excited to meet the fish. The captain, a man dressed equally as scrappy, with salt-and-pepper hair and a stocky build, greeted the twelve 7-year-old sea tourists and their parents and gave everyone their bright orange life jacket. Holding her mother's hand, Alyssa waved goodbye to the city as the boat sputtered to a roaring start. They all jetted to the middle of the water until the city was just a miniature display behind them. Alyssa took a deep breath of refreshing, marine air. Before she knew it, someone exclaimed with a salient glee in their voice,

"Look in the water!".

Everyone grabbed the edges of the boat and leaned over, watching down at the water below as a school of fish swam across in blissful ignorance of the audience they had. Alyssa could see through the clear water all the rocks on the floor with algae layered like green sinews, the vibrant colours on the fish, the way their shiny, scaly bodies curved as they made their synchronized turn towards the sunset, deeper into the water and away from them. The clicks of cameras and the gasps and guffaws of marine guests filled the small floating vehicle as the captain cruised a little further away from the shore. Alyssa was still amazed at the distance away from the land, her home. Then she felt a tug on her arm, her mom gesturing to come to the front of the boat where everyone had congregated. Two light gray fins were piercing the surface of the water a short distance away. They disappeared for a moment, then out came two dolphins jumping up in an arch like two circus performers. Alyssa loved this, dolphins were her favourite animal in the world. So pretty and majestic, she always thought. Watching this made her forget everything about all the people around her and how the city was becoming smaller and smaller as the sea became bigger and bigger.

Eventually, the show drew to a close and the mammals were out of sight. That's when Alyssa snapped back into reality; her mom exclaimed how beautiful that was. She fervently agreed. Then she and others spaced out to the other corners of the boat to continue sightseeing. That's when she saw it for the first time. She couldn't forget it, even until this day. As she looked at the water, all she could see is blue. Blue that was a grasp away from pitch black. It was an abyss to nowhere below her. No more rocks or fish or happy dolphins, all she could see was darkness.

The sun, beating down from above them, shone down on the surface of the water and then the light just seemed to stop. Nothing was visible. Gripping her little hands as hard as she could onto the edge of the boat, she could feel herself tremble and breathe hard. Once again, the people around her seemed to fade into the background and it was just her, alone. It felt like it was sucking her in just looking at it and for some reason, she couldn't stop. She finally pushed away from it and sat inside, hands in her lap, her toes curled inside her shoes as they pressed firmly on the boat floor. As they turned back and retraced the path back to civilization, Alyssa's eyes were glued to the buildings ahead, her heartbeat getting smaller and smaller as the towers were getting bigger and bigger. Once they docked and the ramp was laid out, she walked arm-in-arm with her mother all the way back home and that was the last time she was ever in the sea.

Now here she was, 16 years later, at the edge of the sandy shore. The waves rose and fell with audible crashes. The sun was setting in the horizon revealing a soft red sky. Alyssa had thought about this day for years; the day she was going to finally conquer the unknown. She was going to do this. The grainy feeling between her toes as she took off her shoes and socks. There were people around, few and far in between. She took off her dress to reveal her swimsuit underneath, a simple, dolphin gray piece. One step, then another, she put one foot in front and just kept going until the water washed up on the wet sand and caressed her feet.

"Take a deep breath, come on, you can do this."

She stopped and looked out at the vast expanse before her. The salinity in the air was a familiar smell, one she had remembered in the recesses of her mind. The sun was shining down and she squinted to see. In the midst of the brightness, something disturbed the divide between sun and sea. A small dot, growing bigger. Alyssa stood and observed for a moment. Not too long until she could make out the distinct shape of the bow pointing towards her. She looked back at the busy crowd a short distance behind her, going about their day in the metropolitan. Her eyes returned to the boat, fully visible now on the horizon, the small red object floating towards her. Without being fully conscious of it, she started taking step after step towards it until the water was at her waist. The rocks underneath her feet was comforting. The sight of the boat was comforting. The city behind her, noises diminishing slowly, was comforting. A small wave elevated her like a buoy and she was afloat, becoming more enveloped by the sunset, a warm hug. The water around her, a cold, dark, deep blue, surrounded her like a blanket. So much unknown laid beneath her but for some reason, everything was okay. Everything was okay. She closed her eyes as she laid back and floated. The dolphins jumped up and over her as they swam away, their dorsal fins tracing a water path behind them.

Everything was okay.