T. S. Eliot Rewrites Tinder’s Terms of Use Agreement

For EZRA POUND

(who forced me to download this application immediately after he read the first two stanzas of “The Wasteland” and grew concerned I was developing into something of an incel)

Eligibility:

You must be 18 years of age to create an account on Tinder and use the service. Old enough to know the weight of memory and desire.

Assuming that you are in fact above the age of 18, the question becomes less about if you are allowed to create an account, and more about if you should. Perhaps take a moment to interrogate if you are psychologically prepared for any sort of encounter, romantic or otherwise, with another human being. There is no shame in wondering the age-old question, “Do I dare?”, for a casual encounter with the other is a swipe at the unknowable, a disturbance of the universe itself.

Privacy Policy:

Do you really have the wherewithal or time to prepare a face for all of the faces you will meet?

Keep in mind also, that we are never truly capable of knowing anyone at all, and that all connection is therefore a brutal and ruthless ruse.

“Intimacy” in today’s terms is more akin to superficial judgement.

Swiping numbly through your profile, a potential suitor might penetrate to the very heart of your anxious insecurity, commenting to herself, “How his hair is growing thin!”

Perhaps your bio, “Foodie, Harry Potter Nerd, Looking for someone to go on outdoor adventures with me! message me on instagram bc i’m never on here lol” will give her pause. After all, who doesn’t like food and the threat of unattainability? But no, in the end, she will swipe left, inevitably, ineffably. And you will once again be condemned to your loneliness.

Safety Tips:

Social media is something of an unreal city. Do not let the virtual haze fool you into lowering your guard. For every hyacinth girl, arms full, hair wet, eyes lush and vivacious, there is also no doubt, a serial killer or two.

Even if you manage to avoid any potential stalkers or murderers, there is also the inconvenient issue of bad dates to contend with. Let me set the scene:

It is your first date with a woman from Tinder. Let’s call her Shelby. All you know is that she’s looking for the “Jim to her Pam”, that she thinks pineapple does not belong on pizza, and that she’s 29. She looks nothing like her pictures. You tell a lukewarm joke about cancel culture, because you are freshly out of college and don’t have your own established sense of humor yet. A stupid, incosequential joke, but she begins to laugh. And as she laughs, you are aware of that laughter and becoming a part of it, until her teeth are only accidental stars with a talent for squad-drill. You are drawn in by short gasps, inhaled at each momentary recovery, lost finally in the dark caverns of her throat, bruised by the ripple of unseen muscles. An elderly waiter with trembling hands is hurriedly spreading a pink and white checked cloth over the rusty green iron table, saying: “If the lady and gentleman wish to take their tea in the garden, if the lady and gentleman wish to take their tea in the garden ...” and you decide that if the shaking of her breasts could be stopped, some of the fragments of the afternoon might be collected, but you are wrong. You are frequently wrong. And now you have to spend $20 on an uber home.

YOU ARE SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR INTERACTIONS WITH OTHER MEMBERS. TINDER DOES NOT CONDUCT CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECKS.

Modifying the Service and Termination:

Tinder is deeply invested in the concept of continuous improvement. This means that we might add or do away with new product features or enhancements at any time. There is yet time for all manner of visions and revisions, and for a hundred indecisions.

You may, of course, terminate your account at any time. For all of the good that will do.

After all, the glitter of potential to be found on a dating application only ever distracts from unsavory truths and reckonings; eventually we all must face the fear in a handful of dust.