Swipe Left for WTF, Swipe Right for Nightmare

There you are, at the bar having tequila, wondering why it went so wrong. Why he decided to talk about the size of his penis for the last half hour or why he just answered a call from his “guy friend” who sounded a lot like a female—unless he is currently undergoing a voice change and taking hormones for it. ANYWAY, you tend to freeze in the midst of all these “hopeful thoughts” about finding the love of your life and just simply ask yourself:

“WHY? WHY THE HELL ME?” I usually add something like:

“FML, why me again?!” or

“Is it happy hour yet?” or

“Who raised this ma-mmmm-child?"

Ever look at someone on a dating app and think,

“Oh, yes. He works at JP Morgan, is handsome, tall, and just for me!”

Well, no. I hate to break it to you, buttercup. I know that your mother, father, uncle, ancestors, rabbit, and dog always said that he has to have a great career and be educated, but how about all the other things? Does he have a sense of humor? Sense of time management? Does he plan a date without blowing you off? Does he appreciate your time? (Of course, this is all if you can do the same.) DOES HE LIE? Does he tell his friends about you with no hesitation? (Okay, okay, just saying!) And if he doesn’t, is that something you can live with? AND how in the F-in world can we simply figure this all out from a swipe in a dating app? Talk about Russian roulette.

I started to ignore the “let’s screen for someone with a good job” thingy when the last three men with “excellent careers and education” turned out to be disrespectful, confusing wackos.

(Please excuse my language… Actually, don’t.)

Some date’s included:

1. Men who were married. (Of course, I had no idea until they started disappearing after 7 PM routinely.) Ahhhh, oh yes! And the joy of Google and their family pictures (smiley face).
2. Men whom by the second date thought that I had to call, plan and arrange everything from there on out (maybe even our wedding day, but we will never know—THANK GOD).
3. Overwhelming penis pictures from about a third of the men who wanted to take me out (which have been blocked).
4. Men who think not speaking to you for three weeks, then randomly sending you a text saying “let’s have dinner” is okay. (FUCKING NOT. IT’S NOT OKAY. Let me just say that onneeee moreeee timmeee… IT IS NOT OKAY).
5. One still worked with his ex-wife while living in la la land. (Maybe he even sobbed helplessly in the lunchroom, waiting for her to say “hey let’s get back together.")
6. One freaked out and started crying when I asked him to see a sunrise. (He wasn’t “emotionally” ready.)
7. Another thought he was a porn star in his past life, which I understood quickly once he started making moaning noises in the restaurant while eating shrimp… LOUDLY.
8. Another asked to stop by Victoria’s Secret to buy lingerie for his “mother” (major eye roll).
9. One handed me a rock from the ground and asked me to hold it tight so we can “connect our souls.” This happened to be in the middle of a packed mall while he breathed deeply and made humming noises (whatever the F-ck that meant).
10. Someone who didn’t know if he was straight or gay or both or just HAPPENED to naturally like putting anal beads in his own ass. (Mmmhmm, I totally went there.)
11. One was obsessed with Xanax and vodka (hence, the late night phone calls and sobbing facetimes). That ended quickly…

Hmm, maybe THAT’S why so many females just keep hanging on to the same man for years regardless of the fact that he cheated three times, lied ten times, and forgot their birthday every other year.

(Thinking… Thinking…)

OKAY! Stop it. Don’t ever hang onto someone just because you are afraid of not finding someone of value. Been there, done that, I found the light boo boo and you can, too! LOVE YOURSELF.

You aren’t alone. TRUST me. I have given up a few times (Okay, maybe like every week) because it was just SO frustrating. It’s hard to find someone you can vibe with, but weeding out the nightmares? GODDD that takes patience.

Yes sometimes we all get discouraged. I have had my moments where I literally said:

“That’s it! I don’t ever want to date again! Men SUCK.”

Then I realized something, and you should, too…

Never let anything, anyone, or any situation have that much power over you! Yes, we have bad breakups and sometimes date people who are apparently from planet “you belong in a mental institution.” So many of us let our past dictate our present and we tend to do the same when we go through ENDLESS amounts of bad dates.

PLEASE, love daringly and be open because there will always be someone that FINALLY digs it and also someone who isn't bat-sh*t crazy.

You aren’t alone. TRUST me. I have given up a few times. Most of all, you have to have faith in yourself. Cry if you need to. Scream, but don’t ever give up on what you know you deserve to find, even when you are sitting at that bar guzzling tequila shots because your potential “date” turned out to be a 60-year-old man with gold teeth. Sigh. Damn. I forgot to add that to my bullet points.